I could not believe I have been scammed. I led the convoy of three vehicles (mine, Tunde’s Honda Prelude, and Femi’s Toyota Camry) back to town and told them and other invited guests to lay low and await my call in case the birthday would still hold.
I sped so much that the journey from her crib on campus to town that should normally take about 30minutes took me 9minutes! I promptly checked into a room in my regular hotel, housing the booked hall for Harriet’s birthday gig coming up that fateful night. I instructed the receptionist not to let anyone into my room, especially Harriet as she had visited me in the hotel severally. She knew my regular room H7 where I read and organized tutorials for my close friends.
As I was leaving the lobby, I met my utterly emotionally experienced elderly friend who was in company of a ‘masquerade’. He knew immediately from my scarlet-red eyes and unnatural unsmiling face that all was not well with his ‘naughty’ Professor. He motioned on the connoisseur of emotional pleasure to go into his room and ‘warm up’ ahead of their ‘bedmatic’ duel whilst I relayed what happened to him.
He laughed hysterically and seemingly derisively at me and reminded me of his advice not to ‘Deltarise’ which I shunned. He congratulated me on my new found status of ‘magahood’ and told me to ambush her, defile her and prove to her I wasn’t a fool. He said he was sure she would come looking for me soon, since I held the ace of the venue, the cake, her gorgeous dresses, the important guests, the 2 x 18 passenger buses and sleek cars that would convey her friends and other guests that night to the party venue.
He said: ”A greedy lady will not close her eyes to freebies and would do anything to get the balance of mugu chips from her maga” That made sense to me. He asked If I had condoms to which I answered in negation. He handed me 5packs, (LOL) and told me to step out of the hotel and take a gallon of ‘jedi’ to fortify me ahead of the vengeance ‘match’. He said If I needed any help, I should call him or better still, come to his room for reinforcement. He then handed me a mint pack of N20,000 to brandish and offer her after ‘room service’ as the balance of her hairdo and make-up since she informed me that the N25,000 I gave her and her friends for that purpose was insufficient.
My friend left me as he went into the room for his ‘unfinished business’, saying he has accompanied me to the shore of courage where I should no longer panic.
I thereafter entered my room and began to imagine how I will trap this ‘fish’ with my bait, kill it and even roast it. I don’t take Alcohol but Harriet was a puzzle I couldn’t solve with a ‘clear eye’ so I ordered for a chilled bottle of Star through the intercom. I knew without it, I would naturally melt in Harriet’s hands without her casting a spell on me.
I began to rehearse how I would unwrap her dress, molest, blackmail, and hoodwink her. Whilst I was ‘downing’ the content of my beer and imagining, my phone rang. I checked who it was. Lo and behold, talk of the devil, it was ‘my Harriet’. I didn’t pick her incessant calls because I was so mad at myself, considering the packs of turkey I bought, one of which her boyfriend was eating from before me.
I was hurt by the fact that I was playing the ‘good boy’, placed her birthday advert in Nigerian tribune, Encomium, and City People through the help of my Editor friends, the invitation of influential friends, lecturers in other faculties, Honourable members of the State’s House of Assembly, State commissioners, wealthy friends, men of influence, many of whom I met through my highly connected elderly friend and my Dad, the huge preparations and the likes. I ignored more of her calls.
After dancing to her 25missed calls, my phone bleeped with a new message tone. I saw that the message was from Harriet. I wanted to ignore but I could not. I clicked open message only to receive a worse shocker!
The message read: “Emma darling, I want to quickly get to school to see one of my lecturers. I won’t be long. If you need anything, ask Mama Gold. Love you muchos”
After reading this, my head exploded in rage again. ”Na me this girl dey call Lecturer? Am I in school? (Tried to clear my eyes). See as this geh just dey hit nail for my head. Apparently, she must have sent me Emmanuel’s message in error in her confusion. I was then consoled by the fact that she would most certainly be with me If only to get some more.
As If that was not enough, another message from her came in apparently meant from mama gold. It read: “I have heard that Tosin came, don’t worry, I’ll handle him. Tell the hairdresser to continue with the ladies’ hair. I am going to get some money from Tosin in town now. See you soon”
On seeing this, my head rang a bell. I felt a huge headache, nay, migraine instantly. I took my time to read through all our conversations in time past to unravel how I had mistakenly portrayed and presented myself as a ‘maga’ in my lucid state but couldn’t find one. I asked myself whether it was a crime to be open, generous, and kind-hearted to one’s love. I shouted:
“Chaiiii………..Toasting, you be first class maga!”
Just as I was imagining my classified “mumurity”, I didn’t know whether to call my bad guys to come so we can collectively take back all she has taken from me or even do ‘orgy’ with her. But I found out I couldn’t! I was too soft-hearted to hurt a fly. So many evil thoughts rammed through my head and ransacked my brain. From setting her up, kidnapping her and molesting her but I was restrained by my love for her despite all she did.
Still lost in thought, another text message came in from her and it read: ”Baby, why are you not picking up my calls? I checked you in your flat but didn’t meet you at home. I am on my way to your regular hotel”.
My head sparked again. Many thoughts clouded my mind. I wondered if I should show her the text messages she sent to me in error or not. I didn’t know what to do next. I was just restless and clueless. I began to pace my hotel room.
About 15minutes later, I heard a loud bang on my hotel door. I felt I was hallucinating since I had given a standing instruction to the receptionist that I didn’t want to see anyone. It could be the room service, but then, I didn’t request any service.
The knock became louder.
”Who is that?” was my response to the sweet, sonorous, sensational but unmistakably familiar voice came from outside.
“It’s me Harriet”
I ran to the door, adjusted my shirt, deepened my frown, and opened the door for her. In a split second, she dropped her bag, hugged me and
then planted a wet kiss on my beer-soaked lips! I wanted to pull myself away from her but I could not.
Before I knew what was happening, I had forgotten all my rehearsals and her wrongs. My anger dissolved instantly like Andrews liver salt in cold water! I felt like a ‘man’. She said in her mutilated Yoruba lingo:
”Ma benu oko mi, mi o mo pe oloriburuku yen maa wa, o kan wa surprise mi ni”.
Three minutes after the kiss, she went straight to the bathroom as If to change into her lingerie and take me to the proverbial ‘moon’, she said: “Baby, you can’t believe that the 25k isn’t sufficient to make our hair. It remains 20k. In fact, that’s the major reason I’m in town instead of tidying up the preparation for our party!”
Chai, wetin I go do o? The rehearsals, the boldness, and the frown had disappeared since I was shameless enough to taste of her velvety lips. I didn’t know if I should confront her about the messages, about her bringing her boyfriend to a birthday party I’m sponsoring or the fact that I knew she was using me. Lots of asinine thoughts ran through my disheveled head. I then decided to broach the topic my own way.
Me: Harriet, what am I to you?
Harriet: What kind of question is that? You are my boyfriend of course. *straight face*
Me: Okay, who is Emmanuel to you then?
Harriet: See, Emmanuel is our Landlord’s son in Lagos who wouldn’t just let me be. I am only playing along so they don’t drive us out when we owe house rent. You know how this thing is now. Lagos life.
Me: Okay, I understand. But why didn’t he send you good money to celebrate your birthday If he really likes you this much only to show up as ‘groom’ in a party to which preparation he contributed no dime…the guy no get shame at all o…
Harriet: Don’t mind him, he is just a stingy idiot. That’s why I prefer you to him. See now, upon all you’ve done, you are still giving me 20k for hair without complaining, 10k for the shoe I just found that will match the pink dress you bought for me and 5k to go to Lagos on Monday after the party to see my mum!
Me: (Thinking in my mind that: “So this
girl is expecting me to give her 30k now and still pay her transport fare of 5k (to and fro) Lagos and mess with Emmanuel again after all my party expenses?”***.
Like seriously? Does this girl really think I am that dumb? Book sense no be street sense at all oooooo, chaiiiii, I don suffer.) I then said with a frown: ‘Huh? Common kobo, infact shi shi, I no get wey I go give you! You are a wicked soul. If I were your blood brother, would you advise me to spend like this on a girl who still kept another man and disrespected him so much to flaunt him in his face?
Harriet: (looking shocked, startled and surprised), She moved closer to me, swinging her killer hips, placed her sultry fingers on my head, looking seductively into my dazed eyes, traced her hand down to my chest and planted a much warmer kiss on my deprived mouth. Then she asked in a low tone bedroom voice: “What did I do wrong, the love of my life?”
Me: (With the little kiss, my angry brain was formatted again!) Harriet, Prove to me that you really love me and that I am not your maga.
That was all I could mutter. As I write this, I still don’t know what sealed my mouth and killed my alcoholic confidence! Could it be jazz or I loved her too much?
Harriet: Hian now. I love you darling.
Immediately, she sat on my laps, rubbed my head with her hands and said:
“I am very sorry baby for making you feel used. I promise to make it up to you. You shouldn’t be angry though. You know he will soon go back to Lagos and you will have me all to yourself!”
I still wore a frown wondering why
I lost the courage to confront, rebuke and resist her. I knew I was further descending into her pit of unprecedented ‘magaism’ but I couldn’t just resist her sensual touch.
I looked her in the eye with a frown but my frown transmogrified into an imbecilic smile within a split second. She noticed this and kissed me more passionately this time. My hand went on a voyage of discovery to the back zip of her gown. As I was about to unzip it, she said: “stop! stop!! stop!!!”, I am ON!”
Watch out for Part 3.