I know I always say that “happily ever afters” don’t exist, but this doesn’t mean I have a dreary view of marriage.
On the contrary, I believe marriage is beautiful.
There’s just a small catch: You have to be ready to put in the work.
There are so many aspects of marriage that require full commitment and devotion.
We will be speaking about one such aspect.
Physical intimacy is very central to the success of your marriage.
Ignore it, and your marriage may just come crashing down around you.
Nurture it, and you will enjoy marriage in its most beautiful form.
Of course, this is not to say that there aren’t other important things to be nurtured in your marriage.
So, don’t just focus all your energy on physical intimacy and forget other areas.
The reason physical intimacy requires a lot of attention is because it can be really sensitive, and a number of factors can ruin or disrupt it.
In most new marriages, things often start out hot and intense, enjoying the opportunity to savor each other.
But most of the time, the intensity just ends up petering out.
Physical intimacy begins to feel like a chore – something that tires you.
Sex becomes less frequent.
What could be the cause of these undesirable changes?
What do you do to get your marriage out of a slump in physical intimacy?
Walk with me and you will have your answers soon enough.
7 Things That Ruin Physical Intimacy In Marriage
1. Busy and different lives
You can’t always expect your life to be on the same path as your partner’s.
It usually isn’t so.
A friend of mine who just got married was telling me about how his busy schedule was affecting physical intimacy with his wife.
He works a 9-5 job, but his major problem is that it isn’t exactly 9-5.
He has to wake up early in the morning to prepare for work.
Most of the time, he leaves the house before 7 am to arrive at work by 9.
Going home could even be more dicey at times.
So, he literally always gets in later than 7 pm.
Basically, that’s a really stressful way to live life, but the crazy thing is that there are people leaving their homes earlier and returning far later than he does.
Now, here’s how his wife’s schedule differs from his.
She works a remote job with a company in a different time zone.
She has to stay awake late into the night for conference meetings and to work on her tasks.
With their totally different schedules and busy lives, physical intimacy had become more of something they sneak in between work obligations, and it occasionally occurs too occasionally for his liking.
Well, I told him that many couples have busy lives like him and his wife.
And that the only way to enjoy physical intimacy more was to be more intentional about it.
I told him to talk to his wife about it.
They could always come up with a solution that suits both of them.
It doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but with more intentionality, they could start enjoying physical intimacy once again.
The truth is that in life, we always have to make time for the things that matter to us.
Seeing how your busy schedule is ruining physical intimacy in your marriage, you can only fix it by being intentional about it.
Intentionally make time out for it.
I don’t mean you should create a timetable.
You can be intentional about physical intimacy while still retaining spontaneity!
2. Stress
When I discussed busy lives above, I wanted to illustrate how couples with busy schedules and different daily routines may have issues enjoying physical intimacy in their relationships.
However, I didn’t mention how the incredibly stressful lifestyle could actually ruin physical intimacy in the marriage.
Sometimes, juggling the demands of work, children (if you have children), and other daily responsibilities can leave little room for romance.
One time, I pondered upon the life of the average adult around me, and I knew I didn’t want that kind of life.
I don’t want to spend my life hustling endlessly just to make a living.
I don’t want to wake up early and return home close to midnight just to get a better life.
This kind of lifestyle is detrimental to the health – both physical and mental.
Apart from this, it can also ruin physical intimacy in your marriage.
Fatigue usually dampens the libido, thereby reducing the desire for sex.
A stressful lifestyle also has this way of keeping you occupied that you can’t even think of physical intimacy.
I watched a comedy skit today, and the comedian said something that stuck with me.
He said, “Romantic is another word for less busy.”
I resonated with it.
When you are encumbered by stress and fatigue, all you can think of is how much you want to sleep.
You are not thinking about flowers or any other romantic gestures.
And mostly, you are definitely not thinking about physical intimacy.
3. Communication breakdown
When communication breaks down in a relationship, intimacy also takes a hit.
Communication is so important to relationships.
The sad truth is that many of us don’t even realize how important it is.
Well, if you didn’t know the importance before, learn now!
You don’t have to always let things go before you know their importance.
One major thing that ruins intimacy and should never be allowed in your relationship is lack of communication.
When there is a drought in open and honest communication, it can lead to misunderstandings and a whole lot of unmet needs.
To enjoy physical intimacy, couples are expected to communicate openly about everything.
They are meant to discuss their desires, boundaries, and any concerns they may be having.
The truth about physical intimacy is that if couples don’t communicate their desires and preferences, they may end up not enjoying it.
Knowing your partner’s needs and desires helps you love them better and vice versa.
It’s just really normal.
A man complained that his wife didn’t want to kiss him anymore.
She avoided kissing him, and when he asked her what was wrong, she said, “Nothing.”
Now, he has doubts about his wife and is wondering if she is still attracted to him.
Upon further investigation, the man confessed that he had recently started eating garlic, and his wife didn’t like it.
I think the reason behind her refusal to kiss him is now clear.
She doesn’t like the garlic on his breath.
She could have communicated this, and it would have been resolved easily.
Perhaps she did communicate it by saying she didn’t like the smell of garlic, but he just didn’t listen.
Either way, if you don’t listen to or communicate with your partner openly, it may ruin physical intimacy.
So, learn to actively listen to your partner and communicate openly with them.
4. Body image issues
Your body changes the older you get: we all know this.
One good way to slow down the changes is to work out intensively (a New Year resolution I haven’t gotten around to).
Speaking from a man’s perspective, there’s this wonderful way you feel when you are in shape, physically fit, and, of course, physically attractive.
It boosts your self-confidence.
You know you look good and so, you don’t second guess yourself.
Fast forward some years down the line…
Now, you no longer have the sculpted body you used to be proud of.
That body has now been replaced by rolls of fat and a potbelly.
You may have added a few wrinkles and baldness to the mix.
It’s not like any of this is bad, but it has a way of dampening your spirits and reducing your confidence.
You may struggle with standing naked in front of a mirror.
Now, I can imagine how hard it will be to stand naked in front of your wife.
You start overthinking your partner’s actions and projecting your insecurities on them.
It gets to the point that you no longer want to enjoy physical intimacy with your partner because you feel you are no longer attractive to them.
In this situation, it is important that you practice self-love.
If you don’t learn to love your new body image, no one will.
Of course, going to the gym is a viable option, but if you don’t learn to love yourself, that will just be a temporary fix.
5. Unresolved conflicts
Every marriage experiences its fair share of conflicts.
It really is just normal for two people with different personalities to disagree occasionally.
However, conflicts can be a problem for the marriage when they are left unresolved.
Unresolved conflicts can create a tense atmosphere in the relationship.
And one thing is certain – intimacy doesn’t thrive in tense atmospheres.
Lingering resentment over past conflicts can ruin physical intimacy because it usually takes away every form of pleasure that could be derived from it.
In fact, it is more likely for the resentful partner to avoid physical intimacy altogether.
Resentment over unresolved conflicts has always created an emotional chasm between partners, which always spills over into the physical aspect of the marriage.
Imagine trying to make love to someone who is offended at you; they would either refuse you or act really stiff even when they accept your advances.
My advice would be for you to resolve conflicts before even contemplating initiating physical intimacy with a resentful partner.
6. Routine
Routine is the enemy of romance.
It is impossible for routine things to be termed romantic.
As a data analyst, I learned that having a routine is a great way to be effective at work.
Having a checklist of things to do during data cleaning and analysis speeds up your output.
However, this doesn’t apply to physical intimacy and relationships.
The reason many couples complain about their sex life is usually because they settle down into a routine.
Falling into a routine can make physical intimacy feel like a chore.
A task to be completed at work or just another box to be ticked on your checklist.
Physical intimacy is meant to bring pleasure, but if it starts feeling routine, it ruins the entire act.
Be spontaneous!
Be creative even in the bedroom.
Note that it doesn’t always have to be in the bedroom.
However, ensure that wherever else you are doing it is safe.
Don’t risk your life for pleasure.
You are not just having sex; ensure that you are making love to your partner.
There should be no routine for that.
7. Emotional distance
Physical intimacy thrives on emotional connection.
It’s not about the sculpted body alone.
Several people don’t have sculpted or curvy bodies, yet they are still attractive to their partners and still very involved in physical intimacy.
The truth is that emotional intimacy is a major determinant of physical intimacy.
If you have a strong emotional connection to your partner, you can always enjoy physical intimacy with them because you can always anticipate their needs, even without anything being said.
This is why couples need to work on their emotional intimacy.
If you start noticing a decline in your connection with your partner, it is a sign that you need to take action.
That decline in emotional connection can translate into a decrease in physical intimacy.
If you are not alert and sensitive, the emotional distance between you and your partner can ruin physical intimacy in your marriage.
You can spend quality time together, having meaningful conversations about those things that matter and the little things that don’t.
Invest your time into nurturing a strong emotional connection with your partner.
You won’t regret doing this.
The truth is that several factors can ruin physical intimacy in marriage.
When couples get too busy to pay attention to their relationships, all kinds of things will begin to happen in the relationship.
This is why couples need to be sensitive to what is happening in their marriage.
If some of these things are happening in your marriage already, you need to proactively look for a solution.
Discuss with your partner and apply the tips above to rekindle the passion in your marriage.
Marriage is a continuous work in progress.
Don’t let complacency slip in.
Keep on working to make your marriage successful.