I knew a married man in the neighbourhood I grew up in who was outed for having an affair.
But that’s not the story.
The story is that before the affair became public news, his wife knew about it, and she had been willing to forgive him if he just left the mistress.
He didn’t, though.
Yes, he promised to, but instead of doing that, he tried to hide it better.
Of course, as with most lies, he was exposed.
That was when the neighborhood found out because this time, his missus wasn’t going to keep it quiet.
I was a teenager when this thing happened, but that incident made me wonder: why would a married man not leave his affair even when caught?
I mean, it’s wrong to have an affair in the first place, but to be caught and still continue was too mind-blowing for me.
Anyway, I finally discovered that there are so many nuances to our behavior as humans—let’s examine some of them.
8 Things It Means When A Married Man Won’t End An Affair
1. He Is Selfish
At the core of it, refusing to end an affair is pure selfishness.
We could paint it with a different brush, but that’s ultimately what it is.
The man involved is not thinking about his wife’s feelings, the other woman’s emotions, or even the damage he’s causing—he’s only concerned about what he gains.
He enjoys the thrill, the attention, and the validation, and he doesn’t want to give any of it up.
He’s likely thinking, “Why settle for one when I can have two?”
It’s all about him, not how either of the women feels.
He doesn’t care if they are sad or hurt; all that matters is his greed.
He may try to excuse his behavior, but really, what he is doing is that he is prioritizing his desires over those of the people he’s hurting.
2. There Are Underlying Issues In The Marriage
Another reason a man might hold on to an affair is because he is using it as a means of escape.
If his marriage is filled with tension, constant arguments, or any kind of issue, a man might see the other woman as a way to cope.
An unhealthy way to cope, you might say, and you’d be right.
However, we sometimes do irrational things to avoid reality.
So, while I’m not justifying him, I’m simply explaining what could make a man stuck on his affair when he knows he should end it.
He doesn’t want to address issues at home, so he chooses an easier, more exciting distraction.
The issues could be anything and could come from him or his wife, but rather than working on them, he avoids them altogether by seeking comfort elsewhere.
3. He Is Emotionally Attached To the Other Woman
Anytime I see something about an emotional affair, it reminds me of Tyler Perry’s character – in Why Did I Get Married Too – who caught his wife cheating.
Well, she didn’t cheat – in the sense of what we often call cheating – sleeping with the man.
But she got uncomfortably close to him and emotionally attached, which, his character pointed out, could be worse.
The intent of this post is not to argue which is worse but to explain that sometimes, an affair isn’t just about sex or even about it at all.
Sometimes, a man stays with the other woman because he has developed a deep emotional connection with her.
It could be that she listens to him, supports him, and makes him feel seen in ways his wife might not.
It’s possible there is no rational reason; he just feels drawn to her.
Whatever the case, when emotions are involved, walking away isn’t easy because ending things means losing someone who has become an important part of his life, and he’s not ready to face that kind of loss.
4. He Is Emotionally Detached From His Wife
On the flip side, some men stay in affairs because they’ve already checked out of their marriage emotionally.
In this case, it has nothing to do with the other woman per se; it is more that they no longer feel the connection they once had with their wife.
Unfortunately, instead of trying to rebuild it, they invest their emotions elsewhere, and the affair becomes their new source of emotional intimacy.
Now, he may even still be physically present in his marriage, but mentally and emotionally, he’s somewhere else, and the longer this goes on, the harder it becomes for him to leave the affair behind.
5. He Loves Getting The Best Of Both Worlds
I mean, if the rest of us weren’t sane and moral, we might see the merit of enjoying both worlds – the thrill of a mistress and the stability of a wife.
Honestly, think about it.
But we don’t do that because we are not selfish and know it’s wrong.
Some people, though, don’t think that far.
Therefore, for some men, ending an affair feels like giving up something they don’t want to lose.
They don’t want to lose the stability the wife provides and the excitement the mistress brings.
He enjoys the perks of both and doesn’t want to choose because, in his mind, he shouldn’t have to.
He may have convinced himself he’s managing just fine, juggling both relationships.
But, of course, it doesn’t matter that two women are hurt in the process.
6. The Other Woman Supplies Something Missing At Home
Sometimes, the affair isn’t to seek excitement; it is to fill a void.
For instance, if a man feels neglected at home or his needs aren’t being met, he might stay with another woman who offers that.
If he feels he’s lacking something the other woman is supplying, it might be hard to leave her.
Of course, this doesn’t mean his wife is at fault, but it really doesn’t matter to be honest – not to him.
What matters is that, in his eyes, the affair fixes what’s missing.
So, instead of communicating with his wife, he takes the easy way out by seeking fulfillment outside the home.
7. He Wants To Leave His Wife
One reason we don’t often want to consider is that a married man might refuse to end an affair because he’s already planning his way out of his marriage.
So, he is using the affair as a stepping stone to a new life.
The other woman may be the clutch he needs as he slowly detaches from his wife because he’s unsure about when or how to leave.
He could also be using her to get his wife to make the first move because he doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of saying it first.
Yes, men do that. Many of them hate messy situations, so they often find the supposedly easiest way to communicate their message.
In some cases, the other woman makes him want to leave, so he is simply in a transition stage.
Whatever the case, a man could refuse to end an affair because he is done with his marriage.
8. He Is A Commitment-Phobe
Ironically, some married men who cheat actually fear deep commitment.
Even though they’re married, they might struggle with the idea of fully committing to one person forever.
I didn’t know this either, until a man wrote to me many years ago on this blog to ask why he feels emotionally detached from his wife even though she has done nothing wrong and there was no obvious issue in their marriage.
Perplexed, I spoke to a counsellor friend who mentioned that he could be a commitment-phobe even though he is married.
So, some people are like this, and an affair might allow them to maintain a sense of independence, keeping one foot in their marriage and one foot out.
Ending the affair would mean facing real responsibility, which he doesn’t want to do since he hates commitment.
So, he prefers to keep things open-ended rather than fully commit to anyone.