Someone who was born into and grew up in a loving family with parents who loved, cared for, and doted on each other may find it shocking to find out that not all marriages are like that.
Some marriages make you want to sit the couples down and ask them why the heck they decided to come together as man and wife.
This is because nothing about what they share speaks of romance and love.
Everything between them is so calculated, formal, and mechanical.
It’s like they’re… Business associates, not lovers.
For some of these couples, they started that way; it had always been like that from the beginning, for reasons we’ll explain soon.
For others, they used to be lovers, but as time went on, their relationship gradually morphed into something that appeared more like a business partnership.
Knowing what is responsible for this shift can help the couple reassess their situation and make efforts to improve.
Why Some Marriages Feel Like Business Partnerships Instead of Love. 12 Reasons Why
1. The marriage is need driven
Some people go into marriage like they’re starting a business: to make a profit and have all their needs met.
This kind of marriage did not start with love as the motivation, so expecting love in the marriage is a bit far-fetched.
The marriage was founded on a need-driven foundation.
Don’t get me wrong, marriages are supposed to meet many needs in the lives of individuals.
However, needs shouldn’t be the sole aim of the individuals getting married; otherwise, there will be a lot of selfishness in the home.
But that’s not what we see in many marriages.
Some people get married solely because they meet a rich person who is like the answer to their prayers.
They immediately hop into the marriage, and many times, the person they’re marrying is aware that they’re nothing but a cash cow to them, but they proceed because they also have hidden intentions.
A case in point is a young lady who gets married to a very old man, decades older than she is.
They might claim to be in love and may not completely be lying but there’s a stronger first intention – money.
In such a marriage, since both parties went into it for what they stand to gain—for the lady, it’s the money, and for the man, it’s the excitement of being with a younger person—everything is bound to be transactional.
The spark was never there in the first place, and if there was any spark, it was probably from one of the sparkling designer bags he bought for her.
It’s a need-driven marriage initiated for financial stability.
So, there was never a strong romantic love to begin with.
Even if they try to force it in the beginning, with time, the lack of genuine connection will eventually show.
2. Everyone is scared of being cheated
I’ve observed that as time passes, people are getting more selfish and unkind than ever.
I won’t blame everyone because some people have had their fair share of negative experiences where they were cheated and treated unfairly.
So they naturally want to look out for themselves all the time first before others, sadly, even before their partners.
Just like in business, everyone is pursuing their own good and trying to avoid losses and disappointments.
People do the same in marriage.
The husband is constantly checking how much groceries are bought by his wife and if she’s buying excess of anything because it’s his money she uses to shop.
The wife is safeguarding her earnings and keeping them away from her husband because she doesn’t want to use them in the home.
Things like this show a lack of trust between the couple, and it makes them constantly look over their shoulders as if their spouse is out to get them.
3. Bills, bills, bills!
Whether you’re married or single, you can’t deny the insane amount of bills always lying there and staring us in the face, waiting to swallow our money.
There’s just always something to pay for every waking day, which is why more people are working harder than ever and even falling sick these days.
But people’s health is not the only thing affected by these never-ending bills.
Marriages are also feeling the heat.
When a couple becomes overwhelmed and submerged in the number of bills they have to pay weekly, monthly, and yearly, it can affect their relationships.
All of a sudden, the only things they’re talking about are projects, payments, and plans for more payments.
They don’t have time to talk about how they feel, laugh a little, or enjoy each other’s company.
It’s always one payment or another, especially if they’re struggling financially or have kids to care for.
If not watched, that is what their whole marriage will be about: bills.
And if there is one thing you should know about bills, it is that they never stop coming.
4. Everything is about roles
I think the best couples are those who don’t subscribe to gender roles or any form of roles.
They just cooperate and do what needs to be done together as a couple, each person focusing on their strengths.
When a husband and a wife start apportioning responsibilities to each other without being flexible or considerate, they become like business partners.
The ancient arrangement of the man solely handling finances and the woman managing the home is not the only way to go.
But it’s not a universal prescription that every marriage should subscribe to.
I understand that roles bring organization and order to people’s lives and homes.
However, love and affection in a marriage are seen when a couple is open to being flexible about their roles and willing to support and help each other rather than sticking to fixed roles like their lives depend on them.
5. They’re physically exhausted
Marriage is a beautiful experience with love, companionship, and fun, but the truth is it can also be exhausting.
In between managing the home, giving your best at your job or career, and other responsibilities, couples can forget that love is the primary reason they’re together in the first place.
There was a season in our lives when my husband and I were so busy and caught up in our jobs that we barely had time for each other.
Whenever we got home to each other, the next thing we wanted to do was sleep.
The little time we had for each other, we spent talking about things we considered important and urgent, like running the home.
No small talk, affectionate hugs, or physical intimacy.
Even the good morning and goodnight kisses were quick, straight to the point, and absent-minded.
It was so bad at some point that when we were away from each other, we would make physical notes of the urgent things we needed to remember to discuss, and when we had any little time together, we’d bring out our notes and start reading from them like we were in some board meeting of some sort.
It was crazy!
We had to call ourselves to order and remember that our love and affection for each other was of great importance, and we had to prioritize it.
When a couple is constantly tired, their interactions may become fully functional, leaving no time, strength, or energy for emotional bonding or romantic gestures.
No time for love.
6. Everything is about practicality
In some marriages, the husband is the logical one, while the wife is the more emotional one.
And in other marriages, the reverse is the case.
But in my marriage, we’re both very logical people.
This sometimes interferes with our affection for each other.
Logic is great, and it’s a beautiful thing to be able to think clearly and make decisions without any sentiment or biases.
However, this doesn’t always fly in marriage, especially if one party is emotional.
If you’re being practical about everything, your marriage will lose its softness.
Even during disagreements, you’re not meant to approach it like a business negotiation, focusing only on solutions rather than feelings.
That will only make one or both partners feel unheard and emotionally disconnected.
Every business decision is about efficiency and profit, not emotions or feelings.
Some people apply this same mindset in their marriages; their love gets replaced by logic.
These people choose vacations, dinner spots, or even whether to have kids based on practicality rather than emotional desire.
That’s not good.
There’s a place for logic, and there’s a place for emotions.
Know thy place at every point.
7. Performance is being monitored
I love power couples!
They motivate each other to be high flyers, set goals, and encourage each other to hit them.
They have occasional retreats to track their individual projects and see how they’re performing.
Yes, they’re kicking their goals in the a** and all that good stuff, but there’s a downside to it.
Just like businesses measure success by profits and productivity, some marriages measure their happiness by how well each partner performs in their role.
When the husband or wife does well, all is well with the world, and they’re happy.
However, once one person isn’t doing great anymore, perhaps not earning a lot, getting promotions, handling the laundry like a pro, etc, the other begins to feel disappointed.
That is no way to run a marriage.
When love is tied to achievements (who earns more, who handles responsibilities better), it stops being about genuine love and affection.
8. Conversations are all about money and plans
One of the things I consider the biggest blessings of marriage is having a gist partner forever.
I playfully call my husband my gossip partner because he’s the one I tell everything to.
Both the major gists and the random unimportant ones.
He might forget the random gossip immediately after we’re done talking about it, but at least he provided me with listening ears when I needed them.
On his part, he’s always eager to tell me about his day, the fun gists, and everything in between.
He knows I’m always eager to get the tea.
But that’s one of the joys of our marriage: our ability to talk to each other about everything and enjoy each other’s company.
If every discussion in a marriage revolves only around parenting, duties, roles, and money, there’s no fun there anymore.
Some couples try to have small talks but somehow, the conversation takes another turn and ends as a negotiation or a strategy session.
These things make a marriage lose its warmth.
It doesn’t feel like a marriage anymore, it feels like a boardroom meeting.
9. No affection
In a love-driven marriage, hugs, kisses, and “I love yous” happen naturally; they flow everywhere.
However, in business-like marriages, the story is different.
Affection flies out of the window and is replaced by things like transactions.
Everything in the marriage begins to feel like an exchange.
It’s always “I do this, so you do that.”
It stops being about love and starts feeling like a business agreement.
The funny thing is that sometimes, couples don’t realize when their marriage is gradually slipping into this pit.
They just keep focusing on what they give and what they get until their relationship with their partner becomes all about that.
All of a sudden, there’s zero passion unless when there’s an argument.
When a couple stops prioritizing romance, flirting, and spontaneity, their marriage will feel like a contractual arrangement.
10. Hyper-independence
I respect couples who make efforts to maintain some level of their individuality even when they get married.
However, marriage is a deeply intimate union, and hyper-independence is quite contradictory to the whole idea of marriage.
Couples are meant to work together while facing their different goals, businesses, and so on.
But sometimes, spouses live like independent operators, handling careers, parenting, and personal lives separately.
Just like in a business where everyone has their own tasks and goals.
A marriage like this will lack true connection and intimacy.
11. It’s all about the children
The number of women who I’ve heard say something around “I’m only in this marriage because of my children” or “My children are the only source of happiness in this marriage” is rather unhealthy.
It breaks my heart every single time because children are meant to add to the happiness in a marriage, not become the sole source of it.
Some marriages are held together mainly by parenting duties.
They’re more co-parents than lovers.
All conversations revolve around the kids, school runs, discipline, future plans, and so on.
They may not necessarily be fighting but they’ve lost every form of connection they used to share.
They lose sight of each other as lovers, and their marriage starts to feel more like a joint venture than a love story.
12. The marriage was arranged
Marriages where the couple didn’t know each other or were just matched by family members and start living together may not be common today, but they used to be very common in the past.
In many places in Nigeria, where I’m from, parents would matchmake their children and get them married without them dating or having any form of courtship.
Heck, in some of these marriages, the intending couples don’t even meet until the day they’re being joined as one.
It’s locally called “Arrangee Marriage.”
Perhaps the closest thing to it in our time is blind dates, but blind dates still don’t come close to this type of marriage.
I won’t completely condemn these marriages because a good number of them work out.
The two strangers get to know each other in marriage, learn to live in peace, and some even fall in love.
But many of them don’t go well, and they end up separating.
But that’s not news, considering that even marriages that aren’t arranged still fall apart.
But my point is that many arranged marriages are very likely to be strict and mechanical because love isn’t the foundation.
They’re not friends or lovers, so they just fulfill their marital roles and go about their lives, which is not the way a healthy marriage should be.
Yes, there are times when couples should have conversations that center around money, planning, and even business but that shouldn’t be what characterizes the marriage.
Couples should prioritize being affectionate with each other, even if it is in small ways.
Have conversations that aren’t about logistics, surprise each other, and break the routine.
Remember why you fell in love in the first place.