One thing about life is that it can be very unpredictable.
I’ve seen marriages people thought were not going to last a year end up lasting twenty years and more.
I have also seen others that looked formidable fall like a pack of cards within the first few years.
You can’t always tell from the exterior of things how much they’re going to last and this applies to marriages too.
Granted, there are times when you can easily predict a marriage’s downfall by the things that you see: the fights, the quarrels, and the lack of agreements and alignment.
But sometimes, it’s not so loud.
In fact, it is so quiet, gently creeping in through the little things in your everyday life that are ignored.
Those things make the marriage drift, and because they are not the loud stuff, it is easy not to realize it when it’s happening until the damage has already been done.
But as we Doctors say, “Early diagnosis is key”; the earlier you can pick out the signs, the better.
10 Signs Your Marriage Is Drifting Without You Realizing It
1. You don’t talk anymore
Talking is one of the most common signs, yet somehow, it’s usually ignored.
When marriage is healthy, communication is great; the gist will endlessly flow, both about serious things and random stuff.
So, when communication begins to go down, that’s something to pay attention to.
Or maybe you still talk, but it’s mostly about bills, kids, and important things that you can’t avoid talking about.
But the deep, heart-to-heart conversations?
Gone.
You can’t remember the last time you guys talked about intimate things like how you feel about something or your fears or just laughed over something silly.
Your spouse is there, but sometimes, it feels like you’re talking at each other instead of with each other.
It’s easy not to see that this is happening until you step back a little and look at things well.
The interesting thing about this situation is that the only way to fix it is by doing what you haven’t been doing: talking.
Most marital issues can be avoided when couples communicate the right way.
2. You don’t have time for each other
This sign may not be easily detected because, for most people, life is generally busy.
The ups and downs of daily life can be so consuming that you barely have time for yourself.
So you go days and weeks without checking in on each other or having meaningful conversations, and you barely notice.
You might not be fighting or have any issues but it’s telling on the strength of your marriage.
Also, in those moments of separation, the chances of one or both of you finding solace in another place, thing, or habit is high.
Not creating time for each other is a silent killer of relationships and marriages.
3. You’re always arguing… or never arguing
Perhaps you’ve been wondering if the incessant arguments and issues you’re always having with your partner are normal.
Let me be the one to end the debate in your mind; they’re not.
Because people always say, “Fighting is normal in every marriage,” many people have been conditioned to believe that no matter how many times they disagree and fight with their spouse, it doesn’t change anything.
Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
Constant fights are a sign that something is wrong and the more the fights, the more negative impact it has on the marriage.
Healthy couples argue, but when a marriage is drifting, two things happen.
Either you fight more or stop altogether, not because things are great, but because you’ve given up on trying to fix anything.
You just let things slide because, deep down, you don’t see the point in talking about it.
Or every argument feels like a war, where even minor disagreements turn into massive battles because resentment has been building up for so long.
4. Solo is the order of the day
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, a life shared between two people.
But when it starts falling apart, the “we” will gradually turn into “me,” and everything becomes a solo act.
Maybe you used to do grocery shopping together, but now your husband or wife doesn’t even ask if you need anything when they go out.
My husband always texts me when he’s at the mall to find out if there’s something I need him to get for me.
So if he doesn’t do it for any reason, even if it just escaped his mind, I ask him why.
Because I know that as little and insignificant as it seems, it might be an indicator of something off between us.
I remember a friend, Tolu, whose husband used to plan weekend activities for both of them almost weekly.
They’d cook together, take evening strolls, and even binge-watch their favorite shows.
He always wanted them to do stuff together.
But one day, she realized something unsettling: she had started doing everything alone.
She’d cook without expecting him to join, take walks while listening to podcasts instead of chatting with him, and when she’d excitedly say, “Let’s watch that movie tonight,” his response was always, “You can go ahead; I’m busy.”
At first, she brushed it off, thinking it was just a busy season, but then she realized he wasn’t just physically absent; he had emotionally checked out, too.
This is why I always recommend that couples keep their communication line open and talk about everything they notice, even the tiniest detail.
Don’t just assume “it’s nothing” because many times, it’s nothing serious… Until it is.
5. Feeling like strangers or roommates
Sometimes, the subtle sign that your marriage is crumbling is that you and your spouse become like roommates, not lovers.
The house is running smoothly; chores get done, meals are made, bills are paid, and life moves on.
But on the inside, you feel like two people sharing a space not like a couple.
You and your spouse sit next to each other on the couch, but instead of talking, you’re scrolling through your phones endlessly.
I know we all scroll endlessly on our phones sometimes, even when we’re with our loved ones.
But the fact that everyone is doing it doesn’t make it right and doesn’t change the fact that it might be the red sign you’ve been missing out, indicating that the gap between you two is widening.
6. Physical touch feels awkward
I’m not just talking about sex.
It’s also about the little touches.
When was the last time you held hands for no reason, hugged just because, playful smacked his/her butt, or brushed past each other in the kitchen and felt a spark?
Does that now sound like history?
If those casual moments of affection disappear, be sure that the warmth will follow suit.
When a hug from your spouse starts to feel like a formality rather than something comforting, that’s a red flag.
7. You’d rather talk to other people
Being married doesn’t mean every other person in your life has to go, but it does mean that they have to take the back seat.
Your spouse is meant to be number one, the first person you tell everything and share most things with.
But if your marriage is now at a point where when something exciting or stressful happens, your first instinct isn’t to tell your spouse but to text a friend or a colleague or even post online, you might want to stop and think.
Could it be that you now feel like they won’t get it or that they just won’t care?
Whichever it is, it’s something to pay attention to.
It does not mean that you don’t love them; you’re just slowly turning elsewhere for emotional support.
While this may look normal, it can be a very bad sign for your marriage.
Like my people would say, “Na from clap dance dey start” (meaning “little things lead to bigger things).
It starts as you telling them the little things, but before you know it, someone else other than your spouse becomes your confidant.
8. Silence has become more comfortable
I love to chitchat a lot when I’m around my husband, and he always passes the vibe check.
He gives me the right responses and, sometimes, even reacts in the ways I expect.
Hilarious!
Our house is never silent because our laughter echoes beyond the walls, our neighbors even hear us most times.
So, for us, silence is unusual.
If we go days without talking, laughing, and making noise, something is definitely wrong.
But that may not be the case with you.
Silence may not be unusual in your marriage.
The silence can even seem peaceful and nice, so you may not notice that something is wrong.
But one way to know is when the quietness between you two starts feeling heavier.
When you’d rather stay quiet than make an effort to talk.
That’s a bad sign.
It’s a sign that you’re disconnecting.
You’re together, maybe on a long drive, during a meal, or just an evening, and your time together is spent in awkward silence rather than an interesting conversation.
It’s because there’s a gap.
You need to find out why silence is taking over and deal with the issue.
9. You’re happier when they’re not there
This sign can go unnoticed, especially in marriages where the couple maintains their individuality to a great degree.
They spend a lot of time doing their own thing and still create time for each other, and their marriage is fine.
And it’s okay; every marriage is different.
But when it gets to the point where you’d rather be alone than with each other, and you’re happy to be away, that’s no longer normal.
It’s not business as usual, it’s now independence on steroids.
It’s no longer about maintaining individuality; it’s now a sign of a weak bond in your marriage.
You can’t consistently be looking forward to your partner’s absence, whether it’s them going on a trip or just stepping out, and think it’s normal.
It’s not.
It shows that you’re no longer emotionally drawn to them.
10. Little issues become big problems
I don’t know about you, but for me, when someone pisses me off or hurts me, I begin to notice all their flaws and shortcomings.
Suddenly, someone who looked beautiful to me before now pisses the heck out of me.
Because I’m mad at them, I now notice how poor their sense of style is, something I never took note of before, or even if I did, it never bothered me.
This happens in marriages too, but it’s sad that most couples just give in to fighting or brush it off but don’t discern what exactly is going on.
The little things they do that never used to bother you suddenly begin to irritate you all the time.
The way they chew, how they dress, the food they don’t cook well, how they leave things lying around, even the way they breathe!
It’s like everything they do grates discomfortingly on your nerves.
Your spouse, who should receive the best of your affection, is now constantly subject to your harshest criticism.
Your anger may be valid for the most part, but it still points to one thing: your emotional bond is slipping.
Just because you’re not always engaging in loud fights or dramatic arguments doesn’t mean all is well.
Sometimes, it’s the quiet, subtle shifts that indicate something is off.
Marriage drifts are usually not intentional; sometimes, it’s just life happening.
Stress builds up, and before you know it, you and your spouse are more like distant co-workers than lovers.
But it’s totally fixable if both people are willing to recognize it and work on it.
A drifting marriage doesn’t mean a dead marriage.
However, ignoring the drift can turn distance into a permanent separation.
With proper reflection, communication, and action, you can bring back the connection before it’s too late.