Nobody gets married looking forward to boredom and lack of excitement.
I remember the day I realized my marriage had fallen into a routine.
It wasn’t a dramatic moment, no slamming doors or teary confrontations, just a quiet Tuesday morning.
My husband, David, sat across from me at the breakfast table, scrolling through his phone, while I stared blankly at my cereal.
We had the same conversation we had every morning: “Did you sleep well?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“What’s the plan for today?”
“Same old, same old.”
And that was it.
Our whole marriage of thirty years was being brought down to mechanical dialogues and predictable routines.
I’ll save you the rest of the story.
All that’s important is the fact that we overcame that phase, and we’re back to being mushy with each other and serenading each other with off-key love songs.
But that’s because we were able to detect that something was wrong.
Over the years, I’ve realized that many couples go through this same experience but don’t even know it’s happening.
The funny thing about ruts is that they don’t show up with a big flashing sign.
They sneak in, little by little, like socks disappearing in the laundry.
One day, you’re passionately in love, planning surprise date nights, and stealing kisses in the kitchen.
The next thing you know, you’re arguing about whose turn it is to take out the trash and other silly things.
It’s not that you’ve stopped loving each other; it’s just that life has gotten boring.
Usually, the earlier it’s detected, the better; that’s why I’ll be sharing the signs with you today.
If any of them sound familiar, don’t panic; trust me, I’ve been there.
And if my thirty years of marriage have taught me anything, it’s that ruts are just road bumps, not dead ends.
So I know that love is still there; it just needs a little dusting off.
But first, let’s see if you’re truly in one.
8 Signs Your Marriage Is In A Rut
1. You’re both too busy
I always tell newly married couples that no matter how much they get on their plates, they should never forget the most important part of the plate – each other.
Of course, life doesn’t stop happening just because you got married.
If anything, it gets more demanding.
Generally, you have bills to pay, things to do, and more responsibilities.
So, couples usually get swamped with the many things they have to do, almost forgetting each other.
Especially if you live in a fast-paced city like Lagos state in Nigeria.
From waking up at 3 am trying to get out early enough to beat traffic, to coming back very late at night after a very busy day that ended in another hellish traffic.
It’s easy to keep living this way, managing and “patching it” and not realizing that your marriage is becoming monotonous.
Amidst the busyness of life, couples have to find a way to create time for each other and connect.
Or they’ll wake up one day and find a huge gap between them.
2. You can’t relate to each other
When a couple has a good foundation of friendship, it helps their marriage.
The gist, gossip, inside jokes, stimulating conversations, and casual talks.
These things seem little, but they matter a lot.
My husband and I can talk for hours nonstop and not run out of topics to talk about because we’re like-minded and can relate on so many levels.
Even when there’s no mushyness or anything sexual – because those may not come every day – there’s still connection and fun.
When you both stop being able to relate with each other, it’s something to pay attention to.
You go on Dinner dates together, but there’s nothing to talk about.
You guys might even be on your phones, scrolling, texting, or playing a game—anything but engaging with your spouse.
You’re both not necessarily over-occupied with work, you’re even physically present with each other, but mentally, you’re miles apart.
The most you talk about are bills, schedules, and responsibilities.
But not your dreams, random thoughts, feelings, or fears.
It’s a very bad sign that you’re both not connected.
3. There’s no fun anymore
The presence of laughter in a marriage is a sign of health.
So when laughter disappears, you know what that means.
If you no longer crack jokes, tease each other, and laugh over the silliest things, your marriage is becoming boring.
Everything is now serious and dry.
You don’t play, you don’t joke, and even when you do, it doesn’t hit the same.
Perhaps you or your spouse even gets mad when the other tries to joke.
You now suddenly have sensitive skin and can’t take a joke.
Something is wrong.
If there’s no lightness, joy, or humor in your marriage, it’s not just dull, it’s also fading.
4. You feel like flatmates
If you’ve had a flatmate before, especially a not-so-great one, you’ll know that it’s not always the best experience.
On some days, you’re cool, but on most days, you’re just tolerating each other.
You share bills, a house, and maybe a few items within the house, but that’s all you share.
On some days, you don’t even want to see each other.
If this sounds like your marriage, then you’ve fallen into a rut.
The love might still be there, but the passion, closeness, and excitement?
Definitely gone.
You guys share a house, bills, responsibilities, and maybe kids, but you don’t share your hearts anymore.
Maybe one of you even tries to put in the effort once in a while; planning and initiating time together but the other is just existing.
It still won’t work.
Both hands have to be on deck.
5. You’re fighting too often
Misunderstandings happen in every marriage.
It’s pretty normal.
But it’s not normal for them to happen all the time and leave you feeling empty and hateful toward your partner.
It’s a terrible state for a marriage to be in.
I was re-watching the Family sitcom series Black-ish and seeing the heated arguments that arose between Dre and Bow almost leading to their divorce opened my eyes.
First, it starts as small, dismissable hitches, and then it progresses to something bigger.
Dre and Bow, who used to joke easily and ignore each other’s excesses, suddenly became sworn enemies, fighting and spitting out arguments like they were memorized.
It’s like a broken record: ” You never listen to me,” “You don’t appreciate me,” “You always do this!”
Nothing ever gets resolved; you just keep going in circles.
If you feel this way, there’s a rough patch that you need to look into.
6. You’re not interested in intimacy
Recently, I saw a tweet on the X app where someone implied that most married couples don’t have sex often; in fact, he categorically said that many go months without touching each other.
Of course, this tweet was met with mixed reactions from other users of the app.
Some people agreed with it while most did not.
Those who disagreed made valid points, and that’s where I stand, too.
I’m not saying couples are to have sex every day, but they also shouldn’t go weeks and months without it.
All things being equal, couples should desire each other often.
If this doesn’t happen, then something is wrong.
It could be health-related busyness or just a loss of passion.
And it’s not restricted to sex only; I’m talking about closeness in general.
A disinterest in intimacy is a warning sign.
7. You barely notice each other anymore
When did you last say, “You look amazing today,” or “I appreciate you”?
And when was the last time your partner said that to you?
If you both feel invisible in your marriage, something is off.
And noticing each other is not only in a positive light.
Sometimes, you might notice that even when things are wrong, neither of you notices or talks about it.
Not because it’s fine but because you don’t care anymore.
You’re emotionally detached.
Marriage requires continuous w; youyou can’t just stop putting in effort and expect things to work.
8. You start desiring other people
This is a dangerous place to get to.
Where you’re not so fulfilled with each other that you wish you were somewhere else.
You catch yourself imagining all the “what ifs.”
What if you were single?
What if you were with someone else?
What if you married your ex?
An endless journey of imagining another life.
If either of gets to this point, your passion has dwindled, and it’s a cause for concern.
It may not be that you hate your spouse (hopefully), but you no longer feel fulfilled by them.
Your fantasy life may be more exciting than your real marriage, but that’s because it’s a made-up reality.
You shouldn’t want to let your marriage go for some wishful thinking.
If you’re feeling this way, something needs to change.
Seeing these signs doesn’t mean your marriage is over.
It’s just a wake-up call.
The key is to recognize it and take intentional steps to restore connection, excitement, and love.