Choosing who to marry is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make.
It’s a decision that can either make or mar you.
And unfortunately, many people walk into it with eyes full of butterflies and hearts full of hope, but very little clarity.
I’ve seen it happen over and over.
Smart, godly, ambitious people marrying the wrong person because they ignored red flags, listened to pressure, or confused attraction with compatibility.
Let me say this: no matter how deeply you love someone, if you marry wrong, you’ll suffer long.
Your marriage can either be your greatest blessing or your greatest battle.
And the difference often lies in who you choose.
Here are 7 common mistakes people make when choosing a life partner that you need to avoid at all costs:
7 Common Mistakes People Make When Choosing a Life Partner
1. Confusing Chemistry for Compatibility
Chemistry is good!
Chemistry is fun.
I’d never encourage anyone to marry someone they feel zero attraction or connection with.
You should be drawn to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
But let’s not confuse chemistry with compatibility.
They are not the same.
Chemistry is that spark.
That feeling that makes your heart beat fast when they text or call you.
It’s butterflies, excitement, conversations at 1 a.m., and intense eye contact that makes you forget what you were saying.
It’s beautiful, but it’s not enough.
Because chemistry is not what will pay rent.
Chemistry won’t raise children.
Chemistry won’t solve conflict or carry you through tough seasons.
I’ve seen people get swept away by chemistry and end up in marriages where they couldn’t agree on anything….finances, faith, parenting, in-laws, values, etc.
They were so consumed by how the relationship felt that they didn’t pay attention to how it functioned.
And let me tell you, when real life starts happening – maybe job loss, health issues, or family stress.
What keeps you together is not how you feel, but how aligned you both are.
Can you communicate without drama?
Do you respect each other?
Can you build a life with this person?
Because at the end of the day, compatibility is what helps you stay when the spark fades, and trust me, there will be days when it does.
2. Ignoring Red Flags in the Name of Love
They say love is blind.
I believe it.
Because I’ve seen people ignore glaring red flags in the name of love, only to end up heartbroken later.
You’ll hear them say things like, “He has anger issues, but he’s working on it,” or “She talks down on me sometimes, but she loves me deep down.”
Deep down where, please?
Love is not an excuse to be blind.
Love should open your eyes, not shut them.
Red flags are not decorations.
They’re warnings.
They’re the subtle and sometimes loud signals telling you, this thing right here can destroy your peace later.
If they never apologize, always blame others, isolate you from friends, or manipulate you emotionally, don’t wrap it in romantic language and call it love.
Love doesn’t blind you to the truth.
Infatuation does.
Desperation does.
But real love sees clearly and still chooses wisely.
If you’re seeing red flags and convincing yourself they’ll go away after marriage, I hate to break it to you, they usually don’t.
In fact, they grow teeth.
Don’t ignore what your spirit is whispering just because your heart is racing.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to walk away before it’s too late.
3. Rushing Because of Age or Pressure
Tbh, loneliness isn’t fun.
Especially when most of your friends are married and attending baby showers back-to-back.
It gets to you.
And then there’s family calling every other week with “we’re praying for you”….
You know that coded prayer that comes with subtle pressure.
Exactly.
So, out of frustration, you start considering options you would’ve never entertained if you weren’t feeling left behind.
You begin to convince yourself that maybe being with someone is better than being alone.
I get it.
Truly, I do.
But marrying out of pressure is like buying shoes just because they were on sale, not because they fit.
And when you finally wear them, you realize they’re either too tight, too loose, or just completely wrong for your journey.
Your marriage will be your daily reality, not your family’s.
Those friends hyping you to “say yes” won’t live with the consequences.
When the excitement of the wedding fades, you’ll be left with the person, their habits, their mindset, their character, their flaws….
Please don’t rush into forever just because time seems to be running out.
You’re not late.
You’re not behind.
You’re just on your own divine timeline.
I believe it’s better to be single and hopeful than married and miserable.
4. Choosing Based on Physical Appearance Alone
Okayyy, I’m not saying you should marry someone whose sight makes you sigh in frustration.
Please, attraction is important.
You should look at your person and feel like, yeah, that’s my baby.
It’s the way I feel with my husband.
After eight years together, I still find him physically attractive, even though he doesn’t have six packs.
LMAO.
But choosing a life partner based on looks alone?
That’s a setup.
Because beauty fades, bodies change, hairlines recede, and six-packs turn into family packs.
And when life happens as usual…..
Sleepless nights, bills, pressure, parenting, you’ll need more than a fine face and white teeth to stay committed.
I once heard someone say, “He’s not really kind, but have you seen his jawline?”
Sis.
Your future kids can’t eat jawline.
And you can’t cry on abs.
Same way a man can’t build a peaceful home with a woman who looks like a goddess but disrespects him in public and talks down on his dreams in private.
Physical attraction might get you to the altar, but it won’t keep you there.
Character, values, emotional maturity, kindness… those are the things that hold a marriage together when the butterflies fly away.
So yes, marry someone you’re attracted to.
But don’t let fine blind you.
Look beyond the skin and into the soul.
Because forever is too long to be stuck with someone who’s only beautiful on the outside.
5. Thinking You Can Change Them After Marriage
Hahaha.
This is me laughing in Chinese, thinking you can change another human, especially a fully-formed adult with a beard, a job, and strong opinions?
I don’t know what gave you the confidence, sis.
Maybe Hollywood.
Maybe Disney.
Maybe because they love you so much, or you love them.
But let me tell you, marriage doesn’t change people.
It reveals them.
Whatever behavior you’re excusing now….disrespect, laziness, bad temper, selfishness, spiritual dryness, don’t think marriage will magically upgrade it.
It won’t.
If anything, it’ll multiply.
Because once that ring is on, people tend to get comfortable.
Comfortable enough to stop pretending.
So, if you’re thinking, “He doesn’t go to church now, but once we get married, he’ll become more serious about God.”
And if you’re a man thinking, “She’s rude to people, but when she becomes a wife, she’ll calm down.”
No, sir.
No, ma.
People don’t change because you hope.
They change because they decide to.
And even that takes time, grace, and a personal conviction, not your nagging, crying, or silent treatment.
So if you’re entering marriage with a project instead of a partner, just know that it may never become what you imagined.
And you’ll be stuck trying to fix someone who never even asked to be fixed.
Marry who they are, not who you hope they’ll become.
Because hope is not a strategy.
6. Focusing More on the Wedding Than the Marriage
I get that your wedding day will probably be one of the happiest days of your life.
And yes, you should plan for it.
You should enjoy it.
Buy the dress, hire the makeup artist, choose your colors, argue over the smallest things like “gold gold” vs “champagne gold”…. it’s your moment.
But don’t pour all your energy into one day and forget the lifetime that comes after it.
Because after the DJ packs up, the décor comes down, and the guests stop calling, it’ll be just you and your spouse facing real life.
Bills.
Decisions.
Disagreements.
Growth.
Forgiveness.
Sacrifice.
That’s the real marriage.
I’ve seen people go all out for weddings….millions spent, multiple outfit changes, fireworks, bridal trains like football teams, but no real conversation about values, vision, conflict resolution, or expectations.
And six months later?
The marriage is in trouble.
Why?
Because they planned for the ceremony, not the covenant.
They had a Pinterest board for the wedding, but no blueprint for the relationship.
Marriage is not a photoshoot.
It’s not a movie premiere.
It’s a daily commitment to choose each other, even when it’s not fun, romantic, or easy.
So yes, enjoy your wedding day.
But make sure you’re preparing for the marriage too because that’s the part that actually lasts.
7. Not Asking the Right Questions During Courtship
Not trying to be judgmental, but we live in a very hypersexual world where couples spend more time getting it on than asking the right questions.
People are doing everything but asking the right questions.
You’re dating someone for six months, and all you know is their favorite food, favorite movie series, their go-to perfume, and how many times they hit the gym.
Do you know how they handle conflict?
Do you know their stance on parenting, in-laws, money, faith, gender roles, and boundaries?
Do you even know how they act when they’re mad?
Courtship isn’t just about dates, kisses, selfies, and romantic captions.
It’s the time to ask questions that matter.
Because marriage will test everything.
Your patience.
Your values.
Your habits.
Your ability to forgive and still show up the next morning like nothing happened.
And if you don’t ask the right questions while dating, you’ll enter marriage blind.
Love shouldn’t silence your curiosity.
It should push you to be even more intentional.
Ask the hard stuff.
Ask the awkward stuff.
Ask the questions that might shake things a bit, because if your relationship can’t handle honesty before marriage, it definitely won’t handle real life after it.
Don’t be afraid of the truth.
Be afraid of finding it out after you’ve said “I do.”
I don’t know about you, but even as the writer, I learned a great deal from this post.
I hope you found value in reading this, and if you did, please share it with your network.
This can save someone from making the greatest mistake of their life.