I didn’t know I had issues with self-sabotaging good things that happened to me until after my third breakup.
Before then, I had “valid” excuses for breaking up, and even got defensive when I recounted what happened, and my friends didn’t support my actions.
I remember when I told a friend about the second breakup, and she said, “Every couple fights”.
But I told her ours was out of this world, and she couldn’t say more because I was so defensive.
However, after I was ready to self-reflect, I realized I left that relationship because I was self-sabotaging.
Half of our conflicts were over trivial things that I complicated because I was looking for something wrong with him.
The relationship was too good to be true, and that made me uncomfortable, so I started looking for issues where there were none.
And when I found something, I hammered on it till it became bigger than it needed to be.
Needless to say, after the third breakup, I knew I had to look inward; the guys couldn’t be the problem.
Granted, they also had their issues, but they were only human, so that’s not so surprising.
However, we probably would have weathered those storms if I hadn’t self-sabotaged.
And a little introspection made me see it was rooted in how I grew up.
But before this becomes longer than I intended, I say that to say sometimes, a lot of us are not successful in our love lives because of childhood wounds.
And the sad part is that we might not even know those are the issues if they’re not pointed out, or if we don’t engage in some self-reflection.
So, to help, this article will show childhood wounds that could affect your love life.
Without further ado, let’s look at them.
7 Childhood Wounds That Show Up In Your Love Life
1. Fear Of Abandonment
This reminds me of Peyton in One Tree Hill with her motto, “people always leave.”
Although she wasn’t my favorite character, I must confess that she had been “abandoned” so much that believing people would always leave seemed like second nature.
Granted, in some instances, it was death that made them leave, but it is not out of place that she had those issues, considering her birth parents abandoned her.
In the same way, if a parent walked out on you or was emotionally unavailable, that fear doesn’t magically disappear when you get older.
Rather, you will likely constantly worry that others will leave.
In your relationships, you would either self-sabotage because you are sure your partner would leave.
So, you may want to leave before they do.
Or it can show up as clinginess, overthinking, or panicking when your partner takes a little too long to text back.
You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, or you may stay in unhealthy relationships just to avoid being alone.
That childhood fear will constantly whisper that they might leave, even when there’s no real threat.
To heal, you will need to learn that love isn’t supposed to feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
2. Trust Issues
If the people who were supposed to protect you let you down, trusting anyone is going to be difficult.
And sometimes, the issues don’t even have to be big; it could be constantly being told white lies by your parents.
I heard from a child psychiatrist that even something supposedly as little as telling your child to go get their shoes when they want to go out with you, and you disappear before they get back, could make them have trust issues.
And when someone has trust issues, they might question their partner’s every move, including doing crazy things like stalking them.
They may also assume the worst before anything even happens and make their partner walk on eggshells around them.
Living like that will be exhausting for both people in the relationship.
But unfortunately, it is from that little version of you who learned early that people can’t be counted on.
You will need to learn that healthy love is scary but also worth it, and allow yourself to be a little vulnerable.
3. Low Self-Esteem
If you didn’t feel good enough as a kid – maybe you were criticized a lot or felt unseen – there’s a good chance you will carry that into your love life.
One way this might affect you is that you might settle for less than you deserve, tolerate poor treatment, or feel like you have to constantly prove your worth.
In fact, even compliments will feel suspicious to you, because deep down, you wonder why anyone would love you.
So even when your significant other is showing so much love, you will be sure there is an ulterior motive because how could they possibly love you?
But you must start believing that you are already enough and shut down that old voice in your head lying to you.
4. Self-Sabotaging
Now, this is one I am quite familiar with, as I said in the beginning.
If you find yourself pushing away a good partner or picking fights just when things are going well, you are self-sabotaging, and like me, it often comes from childhood wounds.
As I came to learn, this could happen for many reasons.
One is not believing you are deserving of love, so when it comes, you get uncomfortable and run away.
It could also be that you learned that love isn’t safe, or happiness doesn’t last, so you subconsciously create chaos because it feels familiar.
You convince yourself it’s not going to work anyway, so why not ruin it before they do?
But while you think you’re not protecting yourself, you’re actually just blocking love, and if you don’t recognize or start healing from it, you will continuously lose the love you want.
5. Commitment Phobe
Another childhood wound that could affect your love life is if love for you as a child came with strings attached, or worse, pain.
You might grow up associating commitment with loss of freedom or emotional risk.
So, when things get serious, you bounce.
Yes, you might love the idea of love, but when someone starts getting too close, suddenly they’re “too clingy,” and you’re out.
You may even convince yourself that you’re just better off alone.
But commitment doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself; you just need to find the right person who values your individuality while still building something together.
6. Violence Or Explosive Conflict
If yelling, slamming doors, or even physical violence were common in your childhood home, you may unintentionally repeat that pattern in your adult relationships.
You may erroneously think love has to be intense or dramatic to be real, so that you may struggle with peaceful love.
That could lead you to choosing violent partners or always going from zero to 100 in arguments.
To get better, you will need to unlearn that what you saw growing up isn’t healthy, as love is not a battlefield.
7. Overly Independent
Being independent is not an issue as long as you can be interdependent and coexist with your partner when you are in a relationship.
However, being overly independent is not a flex.
There is nothing to boast about saying you don’t need anyone; we all need someone because man was not created to be an island.
So, if you are fiercely independent, it likely comes from being let down too often as a kid.
If the people you relied on failed you constantly, you probably decided early on that it’s safer to do everything yourself.
Therefore, in your relationships, you may reject help, avoid vulnerability, or keep your partner at arm’s length.
You will need to learn that love thrives in interdependence and healthy connection.
And that letting someone in doesn’t mean you are weak, you are just trusting your partner enough to share the load.
How To Heal And Move Forward
The truth is that we all carry a little baggage from childhood, but the good news is that you don’t have to let it ruin your love life.
The first thing is to be aware of your situation.
Then, track patterns and triggers and choose to act differently.
Of course, this is not going to be easy, nor will you master it on day one, so don’t be deterred when old habits die hard.
Try therapy, journaling, setting boundaries, and surrounding yourself with the right people; all these will make a difference in your healing process.