As a kid, I never could have imagined there was anything my father feared.
The man always made it look like he had everything under control, even in the toughest situations.
So, when he told me things like, “Strong men don’t cry,” I believed, and I never cried.
Not even when I was beaten in school by a teacher.
I just wanted to be strong like my father.
So, you could imagine my shock when I saw my father cry for the first time.
I was shocked and frightened; the strong man whom I felt could solve anything was crying.
That was when it hit me.
Men have their fears.
The only reason they appear so fearless is because they have learned to keep their fears hidden.
Men have many fears about life and its unpredictability.
In fact, they even have fears in their relationships, which they may keep hidden from their partners.
In this article, we will explore the fears men have but don’t tell their wives and how these fears can significantly impact the dynamics of their marriages.
Let’s get started…
7 Fears Men Have But Don’t Tell Their Wives
1. Fear of failure
This is one particular fear I have become very familiar with in recent times.
As a young boy, I never gave much thought to failure.
Perhaps this was because there wasn’t much to worry about.
I did well academically and people convinced me of a bright future.
A few years later, I was wallowing in academic failure, and for the first time in my life, I truly feared failure.
I looked to the future, and it seemed bleak.
I am happy to say that I have moved past the failures of the past but occasionally I am still plagued by “what ifs”.
“What if you fail?”
“What if the future is not bright, and you are just being delusional?”
The truth is many men are also plagued by “what ifs.”
They live in total fear of failure.
And this fear is a testament to the immense pressure placed upon men.
Recently, I met with old friends, and I realized something interesting.
Most of the ladies were already married, while the guys were single.
We talked about it, and the consensus among the guys was that before we could even consider marrying, we had to have our lives in order.
This immense pressure on men has caused many men to fear failure.
We want to succeed in our careers and personal lives.
We are afraid of failing to provide or meet the expectations of our loved ones.
When men are afraid of failure, it is very difficult to express this fear to another person, not even their wives.
This is because many men have come to associate admitting fear with weakness.
So, they just act like all is well, and they are not concerned about the future.
And when the pressure and the fear get overwhelming, they may snap and become very tense and irritable.
This may lead to several conflicts in the house.
Wives need to know this: sometimes, your husband is not exactly angry with you.
Sometimes, it is his fear of failure that causes him to behave terribly.
You must, however, note that I am not making excuses for him.
I actually believe that no one should have to bear the brunt of a transfer of aggression.
Husbands should learn to be more mature in handling their fears in marriage.
2. Fear of inadequacy
This fear is closely linked to their fear of failure, but it’s not exactly the same thing.
With fear of inadequacy, a man could be doing really well, yet he would still find a reason to feel he is not doing well.
Fear of failure doesn’t happen because you are comparing yourself to others.
Fear of inadequacy is a direct product of comparing yourself with others.
Many men actually do this a lot, especially in relationships and marriage.
They fear that they are not good enough for their wives.
And you may wonder what parameters they use to judge this.
For the most part, they use the kind of males you relate with as a benchmark to rate their own adequacy.
Where I come from, the average Nigerian man would feel more secure if he believes he is the most handsome, richest and most educated man his wife talks to.
He will especially feel better if he is better than his wife’s ex.
The truth is that men fear inadequacy very much, and they find it difficult to express this fear to their wives.
I mean, “What if she discovers that he is truly inadequate when he expresses this fear?”
So, instead of talking with their wives, most men just tend to be very controlling and possessive of their wives while displaying a really violent streak of jealousy at any man who is friends with their wives.
This is counterproductive.
I believe that men need to realize that the actions they use to cover their insecurities actually broadcast their insecurities very loudly and unpleasantly.
If you are insecure or you have fears about not being good enough, talk to your wife.
Don’t keep it to yourself.
It will just make you do irrational things.
3. Fear of losing his freedom
Freedom!
That’s one thing that men love so much about being bachelors.
For the good guys, freedom means the absence of responsibilities.
For others, it is the ability to choose to do anything you like.
What’s freedom for a married man?
Freedom for a married man is different.
For most married men, it is the ability to have some time to themselves.
The occasional hangouts with the boys.
The fact that their wives don’t attempt to mother them and control their lives.
That’s what freedom is for a married man.
Most men are scared that their wives will take away this freedom.
They want to spend time with their families, but they also want to feel that they can do ‘anything’ they want (Anything good).
They are afraid of being nagged by their wives into doing things they don’t want to.
This fear is something that affects many men, and they can’t even say it to their wives.
Here’s what I think: I think that nagging is a terrible thing.
It is not necessary to nag a man to do things in his marriage.
A little freedom to hang out with the guys is also not too much to ask for in a relationship.
The funny thing is that most men usually outgrow this phase and may decide to spend time at home instead of choosing to hang out with the guys.
But you have to make it a choice, not an obligation.
4. Fear of being too boring
One thing many men fear in relationships is being boring.
In marriage, things have a unique way of slowing down.
There is always that risk of things becoming routine.
Waking up to go to work, coming home for dinner, watching the news, and going to bed.
The cycle continues throughout the week and only breaks on the weekends.
Even then, if couples are not intentional about it, things may actually get really routine.
Many men have this innate fear of losing their wives because of boredom.
They want to be exciting for their wives but usually don’t know how to be.
The actual truth is that most wives don’t need too much from their husbands.
They don’t need spontaneous trips to exotic locations to be happy.
All they need is spontaneity from their husbands.
Dates and spending quality time together doing fun things are some things you can do with your wife if you are afraid of being too boring.
Your wife is not expecting you to be like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.
She just needs something to break the monotonous routine of marriage.
Talking to her about your fears will actually give you a better idea of those things she would rather do with you.
So, talk to her.
5. Fear of not satisfying her sexually
I went through a thread on Twitter about women faking orgasms, and I was shocked at the number of women who were sexually dissatisfied in their marriage.
Many men are actually afraid they are not satisfying their wives sexually.
While there are other things that contribute to the success of a marriage, dissatisfaction in the bedroom could cause problems in other areas of the marriage.
It is one of the leading causes of infidelity in marriage.
This has caused many men to have sleepless nights.
The saddest part is that it is a discussion that most men wouldn’t want to have with their wives because they feel like having the discussion is like saying that they can’t satisfy their wives.
However, it is important that men start discussing these issues with their wives.
Sexual satisfaction is important in keeping your marriage happy and successful.
Discussing with your wife is a great way to know how she honestly feels about the sex life and her suggestions to make things even better.
6. Fear that he may not be able to stay loyal
Sometimes, the greatest fear of men is staying loyal to their wives through it all.
For many men, such a level of commitment is scary.
They don’t know how feasible it is.
While they are willing to try, they are scared that it may not work out.
They are afraid that one day, their wives will stop looking attractive to them.
They are scared that one day, they will meet a younger lady who will display interest in them, and they won’t be able to control themselves.
When men have this kind of fear in a marriage, it is not something that they wants to talk to his wife about.
This is because it feels like he has already cheated.
It makes him feel very culpable already, even without doing anything.
One thing I always say is that love is a decision as well as a feeling.
That feeling of butterflies in the belly may no longer be there but in successful long, lasting marriages, the couples know that love is a decision.
A decision that they are determined to keep.
Any man having fears of cheating on his wife has to check his life and activities.
He has been engaging in activities that may make him vulnerable to cheating, and he realizes this on a subconscious level.
So, here’s what to do…
Regulate your conversations with women.
Some things are not outrightly inappropriate, but any serious husband will avoid them.
So, avoid doing those things.
If you plan on complimenting a married woman, make it short and simple.
Don’t start complimenting her eyes or body shape.
In fact, try your best to never dwell on such details about other women.
Thoughts are quite potent.
Avoid meeting with women in isolated areas.
Always meet with other women where other people can see you.
Apart from this, remember that out of all the ladies in the world, you chose to spend forever with your wife.
Remind yourself of the reason behind that decision every day, and you will be fine.
You will always meet attractive ladies.
It is your responsibility to remember why you made the decision to marry and stand by it.
7. Fear of not being appreciated
Many men actually fear that their efforts in their marriage will not be recognized.
They feel like they do so much for the family, and while they are appreciated now, they don’t know how long that will last.
They don’t know if their efforts will keep on satisfying their wives or if their wives will make more demands on them.
They are also scared that their kids won’t appreciate their efforts.
In most families, men have to spend more time away from home trying to earn a living and make ends meet.
Many times, they do this to the detriment of having a real relationship with their kids.
While they are at it, they are scared that their children will grow up and not appreciate their efforts.
They are scared that their children will grow up and become strangers to them.
This is a valid fear, and many men need to start building relationships with their kids.
Your life shouldn’t just be about providing for your family.
You should also take time out to have fun with the kids.
Wives could also help by encouraging the kids to talk to their fathers, but the major responsibility is on the men to have strong relationships with their children.
Most of the time, I have come to realize that open communication is the solution to a lot of the fears that men have in marriage.
The fact that they refuse to communicate those fears usually causes trouble in the relationship.
Dear men, learn to communicate with your partners.
Learn to be vulnerable.
Dear wives, encourage your husband to talk to you by being empathetic and non-judgmental.
Don’t make fun of his insecurities.
Rather, assure him of your love and loyalty.
This is how to build trust in the relationship.
This is how to have a successful marriage.