Intimacy is a crucial aspect of marriage.
Many couples take it for granted, and this has caused a great number of issues in several relationships.
Taking intimacy for granted has this uncanny way of making even a relationship between people who love each other suffer.
This is why it must be critically examined.
However, there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to the frequency of intimacy in marriage.
Some couples may need to do it almost as frequently as every day, while others may do it occasionally.
Some couples may wonder if they are normal because they feel like their way of doing things is different from that one couple on social media who seems to have everything related to relationships figured out.
The truth is that the frequency of intimacy in a marriage is as unique as the couple themselves.
So, how often should married couples be intimate?
There are some important factors that need to be considered while trying to find your rhythm.
Let’s dive into these factors that can help you find your rhythm.
How Often Should Married Couples Be Intimate?: 7 Factors To Consider
1. Communication is important
Communication is the foundation of any successful relationship.
This applies to intimacy as well.
Intimacy is a broad term that could mean emotional and physical intimacy, but we will focus on the physical aspect of intimacy here.
Communication is totally important in intimacy.
Because what works for one partner may not work for the other.
And that’s okay.
You can’t always want similar things even when you are married to the love of your life.
The best way to deal with this is to communicate.
Speak to your partner openly about your needs, desires, and boundaries.
So, imagine that a man who has never spoken to his wife about his fantasy of choking her suddenly grabs her throat while making love to her.
That would be very scary.
So, while it may not be as extreme as my example, you need to communicate with your partner.
Find out if you are both on the same page about things like sexual preferences, desires, and frequency of intimacy.
If you are not, it’s not a problem.
You just both need to make some compromises to get a solution that will favor you.
One time, a man just kept having a loud argument with his wife, and at some point, she ran out of the house.
When people intervened, they found out that they were arguing about sex.
The man was claiming she was denying him sex while the woman claimed he was insatiable and he wanted to kill her with sex.
What should have been the solution to their issue?
Communication could have worked wonders and prevented that public spectacle from occurring.
So, discuss a way to bridge the gap with your partner.
The truth is that while frequency matters, the connection between couples is even more important.
2. Life happens to everyone
Let’s face it: life gets busy.
Adulthood isn’t all that we thought it to be as kids.
The freedom of adulthood comes with even bigger responsibilities.
And married couples bear their fair share of responsibilities.
Finding time for intimacy can feel like a luxury between careers, kids, and the never-ending pile of laundry.
In the early days of the relationship, couples usually try to make time to be intimate with each other frequently.
However, as time goes by, the frequency of intimacy usually ebbs and flows depending on what’s happening in your life at that point.
Newlyweds might find themselves in a honeymoon phase, while parents of toddlers might be lucky to steal a quiet moment together for a quickie.
That intimacy isn’t following the fixed frequency, for it doesn’t mean you are failing at your relationship.
It could just mean that the pressures of life are too much at that moment.
In successful marriages, couples have learned how to survive this period of drought and get back stronger.
That is why the marriages are successful.
3. Health issues
This is another factor to consider when trying to decide which level of frequent intimacy is beneficial for your relationship.
Physical and emotional well-being are important factors in a couple’s sex life.
The truth is you can’t expect a man with erectile dysfunction to want to be intimate frequently.
Every love-making session that ends a few seconds in feels like an accusatory finger pointed at him.
Even when his wife is silent, her silence is still loud.
So, in the case of health issues, it is important to focus on treatment before anything.
It’s important to approach these challenges as a team.
Seeking medical advice or counseling can help you deal with this issue together as partners.
It is also important that couples prioritize self-care and a healthy lifestyle to boost their energy and make intimacy more natural and enjoyable.
4. Distance
Distance matters when we want to talk about the frequency of intimacy.
I am speaking about physical distance.
It’s not an ideal arrangement but there are couples who stay in different states or even countries.
There are many reasons why this can happen, the top of which is career advancement or study.
Either way, with the distance separating them, it is impossible to be sexually intimate frequently.
How do they navigate this hurdle and ensure that their marriage remains successful?
They build strong emotional connections with their partners.
The truth is that emotional intimacy can make up for the absence of physical intimacy if the partners are intentional about it.
So, the best way to handle this is to keep communicating frequently.
Talk to each other about what’s going on in your separate lives, share your feelings, and talk about your fears.
This vulnerability will keep you emotionally connected.
Also, you should also do something fun together.
Play online Scrabble or Chess.
Read the same books and review them together.
You know each other better, so you are in the best position to determine what would be engaging enough for your partner.
5. The quality of the experience
Really, it’s not about how often you’re intimate but how meaningful those moments are.
This is one important thing that many people don’t know.
People are so focused on the frequency of sexual encounters in marriage that they don’t focus on the quality of it.
A single, deeply connected encounter can be more fulfilling than several rushed ones.
Ideally, couples are meant to make love to each other, but it has been watered down.
Now, many couples just have sex with each other.
They just go through the motions mechanically without giving and receiving much pleasure.
It shouldn’t be so.
So, instead of focusing on frequent sexual encounters, why don’t you focus on creating an environment where both of you are valued and desired?
Intimacy isn’t always about the physical touch.
It’s about holding hands, sharing a laugh, or simply being present with each other.
This greatly impacts the quality of sex couples enjoy in their marriage.
Anytime, any day, I would choose quality over quantity.
But you can have both.
6. Spontaneity or routine
So, we were talking about why you have to choose one option when you can have both.
Some couples thrive on spontaneity…
Scratch that…
Most couples I know thrive on spontaneity.
Spontaneity is great for relationships.
But the major question on many married people’s minds is, should they leave something as important as sexual intimacy to spontaneity?
Shouldn’t there be some kind of structure in place to regulate the frequency of sexual intimacy, like a minimum frequency per week?
In economics, there is the concept of a floor price which is simply the minimum price a commodity should have.
It can be higher, but it can’t be lower.
So, think of this as our own version of a floor price to regulate the frequency of intimacy in a relationship.
Let’s look at routine.
Some couples find comfort in routine.
“Every Tuesday and Thursday, we will have sex.”
That’s a routine.
And really, it may feel weird sometimes, especially when one partner is very tired on that day or something.
Also, it may feel unromantic.
If scheduling intimacy feels unromantic, think of it as prioritizing your relationship.
And perhaps, be a little less rigid with scheduling.
On the other hand, if spontaneity is your thing, embrace those unexpected moments of connection.
The goal is to find a balance that works for both of you.
The balance that works will most likely be a blend of spontaneity with sprinkles of routine.
Talk to your partner and decide what fits your relationship better.
7. Rekindling the spark
One thing that separates successful marriages from the others is that they know how to rekindle the spark in their marriages.
Over time, it’s natural for the intensity of passion to evolve.
But that doesn’t mean the spark has to fade.
Trying new things together—whether it’s a hobby, a vacation, or even a new approach to intimacy—can reignite the excitement.
Don’t just fall totally into the routine that comes with being married for so long.
It takes the fun out of things.
So, do new things together.
Go on spontaneous dates together.
It is normal for passion to ebb and flow in relationships.
But you should never get too comfortable when intimacy is in a slump, or your relationship could suffer for it.
So, how often should married couples be intimate?
The answer is simple: as often as feels right for both of you.
There’s no magic number or universal standard.
What matters most is that you’re both happy, connected, and committed to your relationship.
If you’re ever in doubt, ask yourself these questions:
“Are we communicating openly about our needs?”
“Are we making time for each other amidst life’s chaos?”
“Do we feel emotionally and physically connected?”
If your answers to these questions are affirmative, then you are good to go.
Otherwise, communication is the key to getting it right.
At the end of the day, intimacy is about love, trust, and mutual respect.
Whether it’s once a week or once a month, what truly counts is that it works for you and your partner.