Life is beautiful, but sometimes, people hurt so much that they can’t see the beauty in life.
It’s not their fault.
It’s just that pain has a crazy way of twisting everything into something ugly.
It is usually advisable for people to talk about things when they are hurting.
Expressing themselves could help them find solace and comfort.
It could even heal them.
We know that many men struggle to express their pain.
Marriage is a beautiful journey, but sometimes it may not be smooth sailing, especially when your husband is silently struggling with hurts and pain.
The thing about pain is that no matter how much you try not to express it, it still finds ways to express itself.
It could manifest in subtle ways that may be dangerous to the relationship.
If your husband is doing any of these things, he might be secretly hurting inside.
Recognizing these signs could be the first step toward understanding why your husband is acting weirdly and also help in healing whatever rift his behavior may have caused in the relationship.
If Your Husband Does These 7 Things, He’s Secretly Hurting
1. He is emotionally distant
One of the first signs that something is wrong is emotional distance.
I am a guy, and when I am hurting, I usually just distance myself from everyone else.
I don’t want to talk to others.
I just want to be left alone.
One time, I was going through a tough time, and even though I was surrounded by laughing friends, I found myself separating from them.
I couldn’t bring myself to interact with them.
If your husband is emotionally distant from you, it could be a sign that he is secretly hurting.
It doesn’t have to mean something more sinister.
When a man is secretly hurting, he is generally quieter.
He seems to be lost in thought most of the time.
You could try to engage him in meaningful conversations, but it is usually obvious that he is either distracted or just not interested in talking.
You can feel an invisible wall between you.
He is physically present, but emotionally absent.
This could be a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you don’t know what is wrong.
You may even think that you have done something to make him angry.
However, the truth is that it may have nothing to do with you.
So, he may be suppressing feelings of sadness, stress, and even resentment by acting emotionally distant.
2. He is overly critical of you
When a man is secretly hurting, he could become overly critical of his wife and everything she does.
One time, we had a lecturer who suddenly became extremely angry.
He was overly critical of his students in class.
In fact, answering questions in his class became a risky sport because you will most likely be verbally decimated for your efforts.
We were all wondering what was happening to him, as he had never behaved like this before.
Well, it turned out that he was going through a particularly nasty divorce at the time.
We later found out about this and realized that he was behaving that way because he was hurting within.
It is a terrible way to express pain, but it’s not so unusual for people who bottle up their pain to be overly critical of their partners.
Suddenly, everything you do seems to annoy him.
It feels like you are walking on eggshells around him.
It is a terrible thing to experience, and if you are experiencing this, you have my sympathy.
I know what it feels like to have to tiptoe around the house just to avoid an explosion from your partner.
He nitpicks, snaps at you, and starts unnecessary arguments all the time.
In fact, it may even feel like he is going out of his way to find something to quarrel with you about.
The truth is that unexpressed pain can disguise itself as anger.
If he is beginning to lash out all the time, he might not just be a troublemaker.
He may be struggling with something deeper.
It could be regret, insecurity, or feelings of inadequacy.
When these hurtful feelings are not expressed constructively, they usually end up coming out in a destructive manner.
3. He avoids physical intimacy
Physical intimacy is important in any successful relationship.
However, when a man is secretly hurting, the last thing to come to his mind will be a romp with his wife in the bedroom.
Yeah, I know that physical intimacy is more than what goes on in the bedroom, but let’s start from there.
It is hard to initiate and enjoy physical intimacy when you are secretly hurting.
It’s like expecting a man with a splitting headache to enjoy loud music.
It is not possible, not even when you play his favorite songs.
So, if you notice a drastic decline or total absence of physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be a sign that your husband is secretly hurting.
It could also be a sign of cheating, but if the suspicious signs of cheating are not observed, then it could just mean that something else is terribly wrong.
He used to hold your hands, hug you often, or simply cuddle with you while he shared his thoughts freely with you.
Now, those are just memories to you.
He is withdrawn, less affectionate, and less engaged even in private moments.
This could be outward evidence of his inner hurt.
He is so wrapped up in his internal suffering that he doesn’t even have the ability to consider other things he should be doing.
He is disconnected from you because he is dealing with his pain alone…
And that’s not ideal.
It shouldn’t be so.
Couples are meant to help each other heal and survive pain and hurt.
4. He overworks
I have heard some people say work is like a shelter to them.
I never understood them until I had an experience that affected me greatly.
I found that I started looking for things to do just to take my mind off what I was going through.
I couldn’t talk to anybody about it.
So, I decided to throw myself into a frenzy of activities.
Every day, I would do this, and by nightfall, I would be too tired to think.
I will just want to sleep.
When a man is secretly hurting, he may try to mask his pain by throwing himself fully into work.
He is always busy.
He goes to work and comes back late in the night, only to continue working.
When he is not working, he still finds things to do with his time.
He is either busy diving into new projects or escaping into his hobbies.
He spends hours gaming, reads novels without much attention to you, or simply plays online games with his online friends.
This behavior can be very painful to witness, as it may make you feel unwanted.
However, the truth is that all of these could simply be his way of avoiding facing the reality of what he truly feels.
He is using avoidance as a mechanism to cope with his pain.
He is filling every moment with distractions to numb the secret pain he is feeling.
This is not a healthy way to deal with pain.
It’s like getting addicted to painkillers just to avoid feeling the pain of an injury.
In the short term, it may appear to be working, but in the long term, it could turn out to be a disaster.
5. He makes self-deprecating jokes
Some guys think that making self-deprecating jokes about yourself makes you cool.
I don’t.
I think that people make self-deprecating jokes when they think there is an iota of truth in it.
One time, I was called “ugly” so many times that I started believing it, even when my mirror told a different story.
So, when I hung out with people, I would make jokes about how ugly I was.
I did this until a lady stopped me.
She said, “You are not ugly. Stop playing around with the idea”.
This snapped me into reality.
I had already started accepting a description that wasn’t mine.
Anyway, there are certain things a man may say in marriage that could be an indication of his internal suffering.
When he jokingly says things like “I don’t know why you put up with me” or “You’d be better off without me “, it could be a sign that something is wrong.
They could sound harmless or even feel like a compliment to you, but they could carry an element of truth.
He could truly feel like he doesn’t deserve you.
Low self-esteem or guilt about something he has done could be weighing on him.
He might feel like a failure in some aspect of his life, such as his career, finances, or even as a partner.
6. He shuts down when you try to talk to him
Every time you bring up your concerns, he just clams up, changes the subject, or simply walks away.
This kind of behavior can make you feel like being in your relationship is an uphill task.
When even something as simple as communication feels like a battle that you can’t win.
This behavior is not encouraging, but you shouldn’t give up on trying to communicate and getting him to open up.
When a man suddenly acts this way, it may be because he feels attacked, misunderstood, or hopeless about fixing things.
If he feels that his hurts can’t be fixed, then he may not see any reason to express them.
Shutting down in this case is usually a sign that he is emotionally overwhelmed.
7. He starts exhibiting destructive behaviors
When a man who used to be sober suddenly begins to find solace in drinking himself into a stupor or using drugs to make himself feel better, it is a sign that something is wrong.
Someone doesn’t just start involving themselves in destructive habits without anything causing it.
It happens as a result of something.
In my experience, most drunkards get drunk to dull their senses.
They want to numb that feeling of pain.
Some others do this by throwing themselves into activities.
But some people also start getting drunk and using drugs to forget.
That’s like digging a hole to bury yourself.
I would advise men to express themselves when they are hurting because whenever they don’t, the hurt still expresses itself in different ways.
Additionally, if you recognize these signs in your husband, he may be silently struggling with emotional pain.
You can do something to help him, even when you don’t know what he’s hurting about.
You can help by first creating a safe space for him to express himself without judgment.
The “we listen, we don’t judge” kinda thing.
Let him know he can open up to you without any fear of judgment.
Seems like a lot to promise, especially when you don’t know what he is about to say.
Creating a safe space for him to express himself doesn’t guarantee that he will express himself instantly.
So, you need to be patient with him.
Don’t force him to talk.
Sometimes, just the fact that you are there beside him is enough.
You can also encourage him to consider couples therapy.
Therapy is not just for broken relationships alone.
You don’t have to wait until your relationship is broken before you seek therapy.
The truth is that behind every distant, irritable, or withdrawn husband could be a man who’s silently hurting.
The strongest marriages are not the ones without problems.
They are the ones where both partners choose to face the pain together.
So, if you see these signs in your husband, don’t ignore them.
Reach out.
Sometimes, the quietest cries for help are the ones that need the most urgent response.
To the men, you don’t have to suffer silently.
Marriage doesn’t work that way.
You are not in a marriage to prove how much of a man you are by not silently struggling with hurt.
You are in a marriage to love and be loved.
So, be vulnerable with your wife.
Let her help you.
That’s what partners are for.