During my younger years, there was nothing I wanted more than being an independent woman.
I saw vivid examples of independent women and dependent women, and I knew I never wanted to be the latter.
I loved and craved the freedom and confidence that being an independent woman gave off.
Color me surprised when, as I continued pursuing my dream of being Miss Independent, some of my older aunties opposed me.
I thought I was doing myself and everyone else a favor by choosing to be a woman who could take care of herself.
But it turns out I was wrong.
As I made reasonable progress and achievements in my life, I started receiving “helpful counsel” and “advice,” though unsolicited, from some people around me.
Certain people in my society contacted me, communicating their “good intentions” and their fears about me not getting a husband if I continued on that path.
That was the first time I was confronted with the fact that some men existed – a good number, for that matter – who were against the idea of having an independent woman as a wife.
And being a girl who also desires marriage, for a minute, they almost convinced me to abandon my independent woman project.
However, that didn’t happen because my ‘why’ was stronger, and I met many eligible men who didn’t share this thought pattern of dreading an independent woman.
However, it made me pay more attention to the category of men who hate the idea of having independent wives, and I also figured out some of their reasons.
10 Reasons Some Men Don’t Want Independent Wives
1. They’re afraid of losing control
People interpret marriages in different ways.
While some see it as a partnership and friendship, others see it differently.
Some men see themselves as Lords over their homes, their wives included.
Men like this get high on the fact that they’re the sole providers and support that their wives depend on them solely.
And this wouldn’t have been a bad thing if they didn’t also see it as an avenue to control the woman.
The support and money they provide make them more like dictators; they decide what happens and what doesn’t.
Basically, they call all the shots.
Such men are one hundred percent likely to associate independence with a loss of control.
If their wife can make her own decisions, earn her own money, and run her own life, they worry she won’t “need” them anymore.
This can make them feel powerless in the relationship.
2. They’re insecure
This is a major, major reason.
Many men walking the streets today are very insecure, but the saddest part is that they are unaware that that’s what they are.
If you call them insecure, they’d swear they’re not and even get mad at you.
But that’s just another sign of their insecurity.
I’ll never forget one of my distant uncles who made his family relocate to the village because he got a job there.
And no, he wasn’t jobless before then; he just wasn’t earning as much as he wanted to.
Of course, his new job or relocating his family wasn’t the issue.
The issue was that his wife was doing well for herself in the State they were living in before, earning more than six times what his new job was offering and contributing heavily to the family’s welfare.
But he asked her to resign so that they would all relocate to the new location of his little new job.
His wife did all she could to convince him this was a bad idea.
She brought up different suggestions, such as him traveling for work and coming back to meet her and the kids during the weekends so that she could maintain her job and make them more financially comfortable.
She also suggested he look for other jobs within their current city so they didn’t have to move their whole lives to a new region that they didn’t like.
But everything she said fell on deaf ears as the man was hellbent on her quitting her job and moving with him.
The way he spoke revealed that he wasn’t confident in his achievements and felt intimidated by his successful wife.
He saw her earning more and being more accomplished as a reflection of his shortcomings rather than as a win for their family.
His will prevailed, and they moved, but it ended up being the most catastrophic decision for their finances.
3. They’re afraid of being walked over
Many men, either from seeing the experiences of other people or just their insecurities, believe that when a woman is empowered and independent, she becomes a tyrant.
I’m not here to invalidate anyone’s feelings or experiences because people are different, but such generalization is wrong.
Power and access to finances only amplify who people already are on the inside.
A woman who walks over her husband because she is independent already had those tendencies in her from the start.
The money isn’t what is making her do it; it’s just who she is.
Believing that an independent wife automatically equals a domineering wife is a faulty way to think.
However, some men believe that strongly, so they reject the idea of having independent wives.
4. Traditional mindset
Mindsets influence our thinking and lifestyle more than we’re willing to admit most times.
The things we consider right or wrong are usually from some traditions or culture we grew up believing.
Society has long conditioned men to be the providers and protectors.
So, when a woman is fully independent, it can challenge the traditional idea of what it means to be a man, leaving some men feeling inadequate or unnecessary.
The man has been so groomed that he believes that if he’s not the sole pillar in his home, he’s not worth more than a piece of furniture.
In some cultures or social circles, a man with a strong, independent wife might be seen as weak or “not in control of his home.”
People believe that independent women are too strong-willed or difficult and will not submit to their husbands’ authority.
So, she’s immediately seen as a threat to traditional masculinity.
Back in the day, my mum used to tell me about one of her friends who never got married because she bought a car.
Ridiculous right?
I know.
Every time this woman drove past me in our community then, I remembered her story.
The story was that she was a very intelligent woman who rose fast in her career and never paid attention to romantic relationships and love.
She kept getting promotions and making money while her mates were getting into relationships and getting married.
She bought her house and car when most men around that society didn’t even own bicycles.
By the time she had achieved some of her goals and was ready for love, most of the men around her were said to be threatened by her.
Other people with traditional mindsets warned the few men who wanted to approach her to steer clear of her because she was a potentially rebellious wife.
To avoid this stigma, these men stayed away and went for women who seemed to fit into more traditional roles.
And so this woman remained single till she was old and grey because of society’s perception.
Stories like this sound like fiction until you meet people it happened to.
I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard the same story about the woman from multiple sources.
I respected her for putting her goals first, but I wished she had gone out of her locality and met more people who didn’t have such limiting mindsets if she desired marriage.
The moral of this story is that even in our civilized world today, there are still men who genuinely prefer traditional settings.
You see them all over social media arguing in favor of gender roles, where the man leads, and the woman follows by doing only little and mediocre things.
They believe a marriage relationship functions best when the wife is dependent, nurturing, and focused on the home rather than on personal ambition.
5. They’re afraid of being outgrown
A highly independent woman is always evolving—learning, growing, and expanding her horizons.
Today she’s taking a new course, tomorrow she’s traveling to get more certifications.
One thing about women is that they become relentless once they see how unstoppable they are and how much they can achieve.
And with this growth comes experience, meeting new people, and gaining more knowledge.
If the man is not growing on his part, it can create a discrepancy.
Before you can say Jack Robbinson, the woman is speaking in languages and terms the man can’t relate to.
When this happens, the man might fear that his wife may realize she no longer wants the marriage and replace him.
6. They want to suppress her
When you’re dependent on someone, it’s like you’re at their mercy.
But the moment you become independent, that stops.
Only a few men have wives who are completely dependent on them and still treat them with respect, dignity, and honor.
For a large number of men, suppression is the way.
They believe that a woman who depends on them financially or emotionally is easier to keep in check.
Independence takes that leverage away, making it hard for them to control or manipulate her decisions.
An independent wife is more likely to speak her mind, set boundaries, and call out unfairness.
These men fear having a wife who can stand up for herself.
They prefer a woman who won’t question their choices, authority, or way of doing things.
7. They’re scared they’ll be useless
Apart from being providers, some men don’t have any other useful contribution to their marriages.
All they know how to do is be the financier.
Emotionally, mentally, and in other ways, they’re absent.
So, they derive their sense of purpose from being needed financially by their wives.
When the wife of such a man is independent and self-sufficient, the man will struggle to find his place in her life.
It’s not a question of if he will; it’s a question of when because he definitely will.
His inability to be a husband and father in ways that don’t involve money will leave him feeling useless.
8. Fear of losing her attention
Have you seen how passionate a goal-driven, independent woman can get?
There’s almost nothing like it.
She chases her desires like no man’s business.
So, if you’re looking for a woman who will be a wife who dotes over her husband and makes her whole life about her marriage, she’s not quite the candidate for you.
An independent woman has goals, dreams, and responsibilities beyond just her marriage.
This trait is considered admirable by some, and it is the exact reason why some men don’t want such women as wives.
They fear that she won’t prioritize them the way a more dependent wife might.
Even if she starts out balancing her passions and her marriage well, they’re scared that her priorities might shift down the line, and she keeps them aside while she faces her goals.
This can make them feel unwanted and insecure about their importance in their life.
9. Fear of her leveling up all around
I know I’ve talked a lot about money in this independent woman game, but that’s not all being independent is about.
Money is a huge part of it, but it involves more than just money.
It is also about emotional stability.
An independent woman is a woman who doesn’t tolerate nonsense, doesn’t beg for love, and knows her worth.
Such a woman can be intimidating to a man who isn’t used to that level of confidence.
She constantly upgrades herself because she understands that she doesn’t need anybody’s permission to evolve and become better overall.
This can be intimidating to a man who isn’t confident in himself.
10. Inability to handle equality
A woman who is used to being independent will not suddenly become a doormat because she got married.
She’ll expect equality in decision-making, finances, and responsibilities, and this precisely is the fear some men have.
These men, especially those raised with a dominant male model, will struggle with this kind of marriage and will prefer one where they have the final say.
They want to be like a god in the marriage, declaring a thing, and it coming to pass without any opposition.
This is why they dread independent wives.
Thankfully, not all men are like this; many other men embrace and admire independent women and desire to marry them.
But for those men who struggle with it, the real reason is usually heavily linked to insecurity, societal conditioning, and the need for control.
If a marriage is healthy, both partners will be comfortable being themselves and happy to see each other thrive.
Their independence should be celebrated just as their codependence should be.
It should be seen as a strength and not a threat.