Just the other day, I had a discussion with a friend about how difficult forgiveness could be.
We discussed how people often say you should forgive others, as if it were that easy.
After discussing the difficulties people face in forgiving their partners, we reached an important conclusion…
Forgiveness may be difficult, but it is very important for the success of your relationship.
No one is perfect.
Hence, even as much as we try to do the right thing by our partners, sometimes we may err.
It is at times like this that forgiveness comes into play in relationships.
It helps couples get over past hurts and move forward to enjoying the successful relationship they want.
This is why having an unforgiving husband could be ruining your marriage in many ways.
If your husband holds on to every mistake you make, this singular act can turn your relationship into a battleground overnight.
An unforgiving husband doesn’t just struggle to let things go.
He weaponizes past hurts, making you feel small, guilty, or constantly on edge.
If you recognize these signs in your relationship, this could be all the evidence that you are married to an unforgiving husband.
Let’s get started.
11 Signs Of An Unforgiving Husband
1. He keeps a scores of your wrongdoings
Keeping scores is a good ability to have if you are an inventory manager.
It will make you excel at the job, but it won’t help you as a husband.
There is no room in marriage for keeping scores.
It’s not like you’re in a competition with your partner to see who has wronged the other more.
A forgiving husband can get angry when you offend him, but he knows how to move forward when you apologize.
But an unforgiving husband keeps a “mental ledger” of every mistake you have ever made in the marriage to be revisited later in the future.
With an unforgiving husband, you are never sure of when you have truly been forgiven because it seems like he just files your transgressions away in order to remind you of them in the future.
A major sign of an unforgiving husband is that years later, he will still bring up that one time you forgot the anniversary, or the day you snapped at him after a long day.
Nothing is ever forgotten with him.
They are just filed away so that in the future, he will say, “That’s how you always behave” and cite something that happened twenty years ago.
When I was writing my undergraduate thesis, my supervisor insisted that I shouldn’t cite any study that was older than seven years.
It made things difficult for me, but I understood his reason for saying that.
Well, an unforgiving husband is not encumbered by this.
His brain is like an encyclopedia of information when it comes to your mistakes, and he is always ready to remind you of past mistakes.
If he has a similarly long memory of all the good things you have done, it won’t be too bad, right?
However, it feels like he forgets all the good things you have done the moment you make a mistake.
The way he keeps scores and holds grudges creates an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship where it feels like you are always wrong and he is your judge.
2. He criticizes you frequently
You know, one weird thing about unforgiving people?
You can do a lot of good things for them, but making one mistake can make them forget every good thing you have ever done.
A major sign of an unforgiving husband is that he criticizes you frequently.
Don’t get me wrong.
Criticism is not bad, but how it is done matters.
Constructive feedback is healthy.
It is done to help your partner improve because the truth is that there is always room for improvement.
However, it becomes destructive when it is characterized by nitpicking and insulting words.
If it feels like your husband only seems to criticize you, it could be a sign of deep-seated resentment.
If he constantly criticizes your cooking, your appearance, or how you parent in a demeaning way, it is a sign that he is no longer concerned about improvement.
It is an attempt to control and punish you.
And in order to accomplish this, he has to make you feel like you can’t do anything right.
So, he comes and says, “I don’t know how you even do your own things without thinking. All the time! Ahan!!”
That’s an example and it is an attempt to make you question every one of your decisions.
3. He calls you names
Name-calling is such a juvenile act that you don’t expect to see in a grown man.
However, many grown men are still involved in this juvenile act, and it’s truly sad.
We all know that disagreements happen in relationships.
However, that shouldn’t be an excuse to insult and say demeaning things to your partner.
You can disagree with your partner without disrespecting them.
If he calls you names like “stupid”, “crazy”, or “foolish” during arguments, it is a sign of total disrespect for you.
This behavior can commonly be noticed among men who hold grudges against their wives.
Grudges usually lead to resentment, and when a man is resentful, he starts seeking every chance he can get to spew the vitriol he has been suppressing within.
Think of a volcano.
It holds molten lava in it for years, and one day, it erupts.
This is the same way unforgiving husbands erupt after storing up grudges over a long period.
For some couples, it is even worse.
This name-calling happens all the time.
It can be so draining to be in such a relationship.
4. He is an expert in silent treatment
Growing up, I used to have issues controlling my temper.
At some point, I decided that the best thing to do when I was angry with someone was to avoid the person.
I started avoiding people when they got me angry, and also employed silent treatment when I was around them.
It helped me because it reduced the rate at which I got into fights.
A few years ago, I realized that silent treatment was not the best way to deal with annoyance or disagreements.
The best way to deal with disagreements or annoyance as an adult is to communicate.
Mature communication helps iron out any issues you may be having with the person.
A sign of an unforgiving husband is that he has no use for communication.
I mean, why should he communicate when he can just shut down for days and weeks while you wait in emotional limbo?
I think any husband who goes for days without talking to his wife, just because he is angry at her, has issues with forgiving people.
Silent treatment is not just avoidance.
It is a manipulative punishment designed to make you feel guilty and desperate for his forgiveness.
It is psychological and emotional torture.
He wants you to grovel on your knees before him because you have offended him.
That’s how unforgiving husbands roll.
Then, after a lot of begging, he finally “rewards” you with his voice.
At that point, you would be so relieved and happy that he is back to talking to you.
5. He gives you space (but not the good kind)
I mean, if your husband gives you space to focus on yourself in your marriage, it is beneficial to the relationship.
But the truth is that there are some kinds of space that you would rather not have in a relationship.
A healthy space allows reflection and meditation, but an unforgiving husband uses space as a weapon.
He weaponizes distance.
He intentionally ignores you, acts cold, and generally withdraws all forms of affection.
This is his own way of forcing you to learn a lesson before he decides to reconnect.
It is actually a juvenile tactic.
Back then, in primary school, there was always that popular kid whom you couldn’t afford to cross because he had everyone in his pocket.
When unwitting kids crossed this popular kid, the common response was to declare them persona non grata.
This means that almost everyone would avoid the offending kid like they had the plague.
They would do this until the popular kid called the whole thing off.
So, if your husband’s behavior in the house resembles that of a schoolyard bully, he is most likely an unforgiving husband.
6. He tries to revenge
I used to love revenge.
As a kid, no one could do anything offensive to me without expecting payback.
Sometimes, my payback was even weightier than the initial offense.
A friend of mine used to tell me, “Vengeance is of the Lord”.
To which I would always reply, “And I am His battle-ax”.
My point is that revenge is a product of unforgiveness.
If your husband has truly forgiven you, he won’t feel the need for revenge.
If he feels wronged and takes steps to “make sure you suffer too,” he is an unforgiving husband.
Maybe he cancels plans last minute because you once did, or he withholds help because “you don’t deserve it”.
A mature partner communicates.
They don’t seek petty revenge.
Yes, revenge is just petty, and no one is pettier than an unforgiving husband (or wife).
7. He weaponizes every favor
Everything is a weapon in the hands of an unforgiving husband.
Including favors.
In fact, especially favors.
If an unforgiving husband does you a favor, I can assure you that you will never hear the end of it.
Nothing is ever just a kind gesture to him.
His favors are leverage.
You know when someone does good things just so they can always remind you later?
That is what he does.
If he helps with chores, he will remind you later.
“I helped with chores, so you owe me.”
“I did the dishes the other day so if I ask you to pound yam after a long day, you must because you owe me.”
Every good deed is something to be held over your head to keep you doing all he wants even when they are unreasonable.
Things done out of love shouldn’t come with an “IOU” clause – an “I owe you” clause.
8. He weaponizes sex
Intimacy is an important aspect of relationships.
As important as it is, there are times that couples may take a break from sexual intimacy through a mutual decision or because one person is going through a particularly rough patch.
I understand a man telling his wife “no” after a really stressful day at work.
What baffles me is when a man tries to weaponize sex to either punish his wife or get her to do what he wants.
That’s all shades of wrong.
However, unforgiving husbands do this to their wives consistently.
The truth is that if he withholds sex to hurt you or pressures you to have sex when you are not in the mood as “payback”, it is emotional abuse.
9. He is always right
Unforgiving husbands can be a bundle of contradictions.
They love it when their wives beg them even when they still treat her coldly until she is totally desperate for their forgiveness.
But they hate apologizing for their wrongs.
In fact, they are never wrong.
An unforgiving husband never apologizes sincerely.
Even when he is obviously wrong, he twists the situation to make it look like you are at fault.
He gaslights you into thinking that you are at fault.
Gaslighting is a major tool in the bag of tricks of an unforgiving husband, and he uses it at will to protect his ego.
His ego won’t allow him to accept that he is wrong because that would mean he should be receiving the terrible treatment he usually gives her when she offends him.
His ego matters to him more than your feelings.
In fact, his ego matters to him more than the relationship.
That’s just the sad reality.
10. He is satisfied with your discomfort
In a successful marriage, partners support each other.
It is an anathema to see a partner happy when the other is going through tough times.
Except that partner is an unforgiving partner.
It’s crazy, but I have actually seen a husband happy that his wife lost her money in an ill-advised investment.
He warned her about it, but she didn’t listen.
I don’t think that’s a good enough reason for him to be happy about her loss.
This totally depicts a man who is unforgiving.
His celebration of her loss was because she ignored his advice, and he hadn’t forgiven her for doing so.
When his wife was sad, he just had this smug “I told you so” look on his face.
If your pain doesn’t move him—or worse, if he enjoys seeing you struggle—it’s a sign of deep resentment, not love.
11. He tries to make you jealous
One time, a guy got angry at his wife.
I really don’t remember what the fight was about, but we all knew that something was wrong because all of a sudden, he started flirting around, even right in front of his wife.
Some of his friends asked him what was happening.
It turned out that he was trying to pay her back for some perceived slights that occurred when they attended an event, and she had spent too much time talking to a male friend.
Flirting with others, talking about exes, or comparing you to other women are mind games meant to punish you.
A secure, loving partner doesn’t use jealousy as a weapon.
Only an insecure and unforgiving partner has to play all these games to punish his wife.
If you see these signs in your marriage, it’s time to ask yourself two questions.
“Is this the love I deserve?”
“Can this change, or is this who he is?”
The answers to these questions will give you clarity on what to do next.
An unforgiving husband won’t change unless he wants to.
You can try couples therapy, set firm boundaries, or even reconsider the relationship if he refuses to grow.
But the truth is that he has to realize that he is the problem and make a decision to change.
A Note To Unforgiving Husbands
Dear unforgiving husbands,
A healthy relationship can not be built if forgiveness is absent.
Scorekeeping and revenge would only keep you trapped in resentment.
You and your wife both deserve to enjoy a love that can only be found in successful marriages.
You are not only depriving your wife.
You are depriving yourself.
Change!