One time, I noticed I had developed a very dangerous habit: it wasn’t the type that could get me in jail or worse, but it was still a dangerous habit.
I had the habit of pretending that all was well, even when it was obvious that it wasn’t.
I felt that admitting things were not okay was synonymous with admitting that the situation was hopeless.
Now, I know better.
The best way to find the solution to a problem is first realizing and admitting that there is a problem.
Of course, everyone wants their relationship to be okay, but pretending everything is okay is ineffective.
Apart from the fact that it means you are believing a fairytale, it also makes it difficult for issues to be addressed in the relationship.
Couples often do this, pretending that everything is okay in their relationship even when it is not.
You may be wondering why they do it but I have come to realize that sometimes, people actually prefer to live under the illusion that things are fine to facing reality.
What they don’t realize is that pretending that your issues don’t exist doesn’t fix the situation.
In fact, it compounds the problem.
The truth is that most pretenders usually have to come to terms with reality at some point, but the problem is that at that point, the reality is much worse than it should have been.
In order to prevent your relationship from suffering the same fate, I have compiled a list of the various signs you and your husband are both pretending everything is okay.
Let’s get started, shall we?
7 Signs You And Your Husband Are Both Pretending Everything Is Okay
1. You have shallow conversations
Shallow conversations in a romantic relationship can be caused by many things.
It may be as a result of resentment or a significant waning in a partner’s affection affection for their spouse.
However, when these shallow conversations are caused by a fear that deep conversations can lead to conflicts, it is obviously a sign that things are not going fine in your relationship, and you are trying to gloss over the issues instead of confronting them.
Recently, I met a female “friend,” and our conversation was painfully shallow.
We had a falling out about one year ago, and since then, we hadn’t spoken until the day we met recently.
It was obvious that we were trying to be polite to each other by making small talk but our hearts weren’t in the conversation we were having.
My point is that if your conversations with your husband are painfully shallow, like the one I had with my “friend,” it could be a sign that you are both pretending everything is fine in your relationship.
Your conversations are usually about superficial things.
Discussing daily routines and responsibilities, like who drops off the kids at school or who takes out the trash, certainly can’t be classified under the “deep meaningful conversations” category.
If these are the kinds of things you talk about all the time with your husband, it is usually indicative of a reluctance to address more significant concerns.
You think that if you can adequately ignore the “elephant in the room,” things will get back to normal.
Well, it doesn’t work that way.
So, my simple advice to you is to bridle your fear and initiate that difficult conversation.
This is the only way to handle issues in relationships…
2. You avoid conflicts
Conflict avoidance is supposed to be a good thing, right?
I mean, if everyone avoids conflicts, there will be peace everywhere.
I used to think this way until I realized the power and positive effect of conflicts in relationships when they are handled rightly.
Apart from the fact that there is no way on earth that two people can live together and agree with each other all the time, there is also the fact that conflicts can be beneficial in relationships.
It clearly points out areas for improvement in the relationship and helps couples bond more.
Of course, this is only when it is handled the right way.
My point is that healthy relationships involve resolving conflicts, not avoiding them.
So, if your relationship is all about avoiding conflicts and tiptoeing around thorny issues, you are definitely not in a healthy relationship.
You are avoiding the real issues and just glossing over things.
In my university days, I stayed in the school hostel.
The school hostel had seen better days already at the time I stayed there.
The balcony railings were shaky and dilapidated, the paint was fading off the walls, and the showers were no longer working, so we were happy when the management said they were renovating.
We all went home and happily spent months at home because we knew the long break was our sacrifice towards enjoying a good stay in the hostel.
When we came back, the painted hostel buildings looked really attractive.
We all couldn’t wait to see the pleasant changes inside.
I got to my room and rushed off to the bathroom to test the showers.
Well, none of the showers worked.
Nothing had changed.
It was still our same old hostel, just with a little layer of new paint to deceive outsiders.
This is what happens in your relationship when you avoid conflicts.
You end up presenting a great impression to others out there without ever fixing anything in your relationship.
3. You are always busy
I understand the impulse to keep yourself busy when things are going wrong.
In the same way, alcoholics get drunk to forget their sorrows; teetotalers may need to get busy to forget their issues.
But forgetting your issues is not the solution to them because they are still there, waiting to jump out at you and shout “boo-hoo” in your face.
If you and your husband are usually too busy to even spend time together, it may be a sign you are pretending everything is fine.
Keeping yourselves constantly busy can be a way to avoid facing problems in your marriage.
In our digital world, there are so many things that can keep you busy.
There’s work, of course.
My controversial opinion is that most people who spend so much time at work have unhappy family lives.
It is controversial because I have no statistics to prove it.
It is just what I think.
But it doesn’t have to be just work alone.
Hobbies and social events can also be ways to be so busy that you barely have time for your relationship.
The truth is that the fact that you barely have time for your relationship is already an issue.
But it gets even worse when you are doing it just to avoid spending time with your husband because you are afraid those underlying issues you are trying to keep buried may resurrect if you spend time together.
This is a sign that you and your husband are pretending everything is fine in your marriage, and such pretense never ends well.
4. You act overly cheerful around each other
Being cheerful is not bad.
In fact, it is great.
I always come across posts that say, “Laughing every day prolongs your life by twenty minutes.”
I don’t know how they ever measured that or came up with the statistics, but the truth is that laughter is good.
Apart from the fact that it depicts a positive outlook to life, it also is a way to connect with loved ones.
However, you can be overly cheerful.
It may seem so abstract, but I will explain the difference.
Being overly cheerful is putting on a happy face, even in very serious situations.
Imagine going to the burial of a kid and joking around there.
That’s what being overly cheerful means.
If you and your husband act cheerfully at the oddest times ever, it could be a sign that you are trying to mask your relationship issues.
In such a situation, there is usually a forced quality to the cheerfulness.
If either of you is excessively cheerful at odd times, it might be an attempt to avoid confronting uncomfortable emotions.
It’s that simple.
One time, someone reached out to me after blocking me on all social media accounts for months.
She was just high-key and making jokes, which was quite unlike her.
I instantly knew that she was just trying to gloss over things.
She didn’t want to discuss her ridiculous action of blocking me everywhere for something so trivial, and I didn’t want to have a troublesome argument.
I knew I no longer considered her a friend.
So, I went along with the cheerful charade.
So, yeah, you know deep down within you that your cheerfulness is a charade.
You know you are just trying to pretend everything is fine.
Well, you and your husband need to stop it.
It may seem effective at first, but I am telling you from experience that you are experiencing calm before the storm.
5. You are always changing the subject
Earlier, I mentioned that I used to pretend everything was fine even when it wasn’t.
Well, one of my major tools for doing this is my ability to avoid difficult conversations.
I have a natural talent for avoiding serious conversations when I want to, just like Messi has a natural footballing talent.
I know how to stylishly change the subject when we are getting too close to the thorny issues.
If you and your husband are just like me, displaying a talent for deftly changing the subject of a conversation when it suits you, it is a sign that both of you are pretending everything is fine in the relationship.
The sad part is that steering conversations away from important issues usually leaves you discussing inconsequentials with your husband.
This terrible habit prevents meaningful discussions and deprives you of constructive resolutions to relationship issues.
6. You ignore red flags
One time, my friend was in a relationship with a certain guy.
The guy was really handsome and seemed to possess everything any woman could ever want in a man.
But the actual truth was that the guy was very insecure.
His insecurities were many and were like a burden she had to bear.
I remember telling her to leave that relationship since it was toxic, but she didn’t listen.
In fact, she didn’t even seem to notice his red flags at all.
Another lady is still in a relationship with a man who hits her because she knows he loves her, and he only tries to correct her with the slaps.
Jeez!
This is actually a sign that she is so desperate to be in that relationship that she is ready to pretend that all is well.
She is ready to believe it when he tells her he hit her because she was a bad girl.
The truth is that anytime you see that you are ready to overlook the red flags just to remain in a relationship, you are pretending that everything is fine in the relationship.
You know what you are going through, but you are determined to ignore it.
This is not perseverance.
It is living in denial.
7. You put up a facade on social media
We are presently in the era of social media marriages.
People are making video content on their marriages and putting it on social media for their fans to watch.
Imagine a never-ending reality show on Instagram.
You just have to keep scrolling through pictures and watching videos to keep yourself entertained.
Now, the truth is that many couples put up a nice facade on social media.
They do attractive photoshoots and pretend to be on really good terms in videos when in reality, their relationship is strained at best.
Presenting a perfect image on social media while struggling in private is a common way couples pretend everything is fine.
If you are like them and your online presence doesn’t match your real-life relationship, it is a sign that you and your husband are pretending everything is fine.
I really don’t even understand why many couples feel the need to pretend on social media.
The truth is that those “fans” usually don’t care about your marriage.
If you do care about your marriage, then you shouldn’t be concerned about creation a perfect image for outsiders.
Rather, you should focus on addressing whatever issues you have in your marriage.
If these signs are evident in your relationship, you and your husband have been pretending everything is fine.
This needs to stop.
What you should start doing is encouraging honest communication in your marriage.
If you can’t communicate openly with your husband, then something is terribly wrong.
Create a safe space for open and honest conversations.
You should also prioritize spending time with each other.
This will help in building your connection and intimacy.
Most importantly, never shy away from disagreements.
You can’t always agree with your husband.
You shouldn’t be afraid of expressing your opinions even when they are different.
You should also work together to resolve conflicts rather than ignoring them.
Pretending everything is okay might seem easier in the short term, but it prevents true healing and growth in your relationship.
It makes a shipwreck of things.
If the issues are too knotty or like the proverbial timebomb waiting to explode, you can seek the help of a professional marriage counselor.