That feeling you get when you find out someone has been using you for quite some time…
The anger, the hurt, the feeling of betrayal, and the blaming yourself for not seeing what was happening earlier are a whirlpool of emotions directed at the person and yourself.
It’s even worse when you find out that someone you really love and share a close relationship with has been using you for their own benefit.
I went through this myself at some point when I realized that some “friends” were actually just using me, and when they were done with me, they dumped me.
The heartbreak of being used could be terrible, but it is better to know if you are being used in any relationship.
Many people use others for their own personal gain in relationships.
It’s just part of their selfish nature.
Even in marriage, it is possible to be with someone who is using you for their personal gains.
This is why it is crucial to examine our relationships closely.
Your partner—in this case, your husband—may be taking advantage of you without your realizing it.
Recognizing the signs of this in your relationship is the first step you need to take to address it.
Let’s get started.
10 Signs Your Husband Is Using You
1. He’s always taking
Now, I am not saying you should go around keeping a record of all the favors you have done for him in the relationship and what you have gotten in return.
That’s not what I am asking you to do.
However, there is a way you feel when you are in a relationship with someone who always seems to be taking.
You feel so drained as if you are putting so much effort into something without getting anything in return.
You are in a relationship with a man who takes without ever giving back; how do you expect to feel anything other than stress and fatigue?
It’s nice to give in a relationship, but it is even nicer to know that your husband reciprocates.
It’s really unfair if you have to give all the time in a relationship without any form of reciprocation from your partner.
Relationship is a two-way street, and both partners are expected to utilize their side of the street.
They are expected to give, receive, and share their lives and everything else, including joy, dreams, goals, achievements, and even hardships.
However, if all your husband does is take without ever giving anything back, it is a sign that he is using you.
This level of selfishness can only be expressed by a man who is just in the relationship because he considers you a tool that can be used.
2. He is dependent on you financially
I must start with a disclaimer: many husbands who use their wives may not necessarily display this sign.
So, the fact that he doesn’t ask you for money all the time doesn’t rule him out.
Stay with me till the end.
I grew up seeing a typical example of a man who was so useless that he used his wife for everything…
Heck! He even used her ATM card to cheat on her.
That’s how crazy it was.
He was from a wealthy family but decided never to work.
He squandered his inheritance and married a wife as a backup plan.
His wife has spent almost twenty years of marriage as the ATM card and punching bag for her husband.
It’s a really sad existence.
In this case, it is obvious that the man is using his wife.
In your case, things may be subtler.
He may constantly ask you for money, but make it seem like he has plans.
The only issue with this is that he just never seems to remember to pay.
If your husband frequently asks for money, relies on you to pay the bills, or expects you to cover his expenses without contributing financially, it might indicate that he’s using you for financial support.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad to help out financially.
In fact, it is a great idea when both of you contribute to take care of the financial responsibility of the house.
However, if you realize that you are doing all these without any contribution from him, it is a sign that he is using you.
3. He loves you conditionally
Have you noticed that your husband’s love comes with terms and conditions?
You know the way some services have terms and conditions that you have to agree to before subscribing to the services?
Most of us don’t read the terms because they are usually long and boring.
We just agree to terms and conditions we didn’t read.
Well, your husband is just like this in many ways, except he didn’t warn you that his love comes with terms and conditions you need to fulfill before the marriage.
Now, it just seems like you have to constantly prove that you deserve his love.
Ideally, marriage shouldn’t be this way.
In marriage, you should be able to love and be loved unconditionally.
This is evident in the marriage vows, “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
The vows entail loving in all sorts of conditions, pleasant or unpleasant.
However, your husband’s love doesn’t give you the kind of security that comes with unconditional love.
This is because he makes you feel like you must behave in a certain way for him to love you.
And this way has to be in a way that benefits him even when it doesn’t benefit you.
Your husband’s love is weaponized.
If your husband’s love is beginning to feel like a weapon he uses to get what he wants from you, it is a sign that he is just using you.
4. He’s manipulative
One thing I have noticed about people who love to use others is that they are very manipulative.
Really, you have to be very manipulative to be able to bend others to your will all the time.
A sign that your husband is using you is how remarkably smooth he is at getting things from you.
You easily part with your resources, time, and love without knowing why you are doing it.
In fact, one major thing you have noticed is that you may have made up your mind to say “no,” but somehow, he gets you to say “yes.”
He is a smooth operator and knows how to use a combination of guilt and charm to get what he wants from you.
He acts like what he is doing is for your benefit.
So, you are persuaded to do what he wants.
However, if you refuse, he takes off the kid gloves and bullies you into submission.
Remember my neighbor?
The one who bankrolls her deadbeat husband?
Well, once, she got herself a new car, and her husband wasn’t happy about it.
Why?
He had a car too, but it was an old jalopy.
His masculine “pride” couldn’t take parking that rusty vehicle next to his wife’s gleaming new car.
So, he asked her for the car.
He started nicely by pointing out that she couldn’t drive yet, to which she responded by asking him to teach her.
He refused to teach her, so she hired a driving tutor to teach her how to drive.
Her husband drove the car around while she was learning, but the moment she was ready to drive her own car, all hell broke loose.
He bullied her in every possible way, but she didn’t bend to his will for once in her life.
My point is if your husband manipulates you into doing what he wants, either by guilt-tripping you, being charming, bullying, or gaslighting you, it is a sign that he is just using you.
5. He doesn’t support you
One of the perks of being married is access to a supportive partner even in the worst times of your life.
Ideally, marriage should provide you with a supportive partner when you are going through tough times.
However, in reality, this doesn’t always happen.
If your husband seems to disappear when you are going through tough times, it is a sign that your relationship is far from ideal.
A way to know when your husband is just using you is to check what he does when you are dealing with issues of your own.
Does he stay to help, or does he disappear?
If your husband is totally absent when you need support, it is an obvious sign that he is only using you.
Since you can’t be of any use to him during tough times, he leaves you alone to deal with your problems.
Sometimes, your husband may be subtle about it.
So, he doesn’t totally disappear when you are going through rough times.
He stays and helps as little as possible so it won’t feel like he didn’t do anything.
Even with the little help he gives you, he still complains a lot.
If your husband behaves this way when you are going through terrible times, it is still a sign that he is using you.
He is basically just hanging around for the good times when you can support him while he does absolutely nothing.
6. He takes advantage of your kindness
“Give him an inch, and he will take a mile.”
Your husband is the perfect representation of this quote.
He is the kind of person who takes advantage of other people’s kindness.
While at university, I had a reputation for giving to people.
One time, I shared the last money on me with someone just because he hadn’t eaten all day.
People got to know of this and started asking me for things.
Well, the most absurd request I ever got was this one: “Boss abeg I wan cook rice, you fit give me like three cups of rice?”.
This simply means, “Boss, please, I want to cook rice. Can you give me the rice I want to cook?”.
I was shocked.
This guy wanted to cook, but he didn’t have the main food he wanted to cook.
Did he think I didn’t know how to eat too?
I didn’t give it to him, and he was shocked.
I am sure he had heard that I never said no to anyone.
I also realized that I didn’t have any savings because I kept giving to people who would never give back to me.
In fact, one time, a “friend” came to ask me for money.
I was shocked because I knew she had just gotten a huge sum of money the other day.
She said she was saving that one and didn’t want to touch it.
Wow! She was asking someone who had no savings for money while she kept her money hidden.
My point is if your husband frequently takes advantage of your kindness and generosity without showing appreciation or reciprocation, you feel so used.
It’s not just a feeling.
That’s what he is actually doing.
He is using you.
7. He is only intimate when he wants something
Intimacy is a crucial part of a healthy marriage.
The hugs, kisses, sex, and holding of hands are just the physical aspect.
There is also the emotional aspect where you have deep, heartfelt conversations, sharing your dreams, fears, and goals with each other.
In a healthy marriage, these are just normal things that happen every day.
But in yours, it occurs once in a blue moon.
The infrequency of it is not due to a lack of effort on your part.
It is just that your husband is usually not ready for any form of intimacy except when he needs something from you.
If your husband is only affectionate or intimate when he wants something from you, it can be a sign that he’s using you to fulfill his needs without considering yours.
He could be attracted to be intimate with you because he is actually experiencing intense sexual urges.
The moment his urges are satisfied, he leaves you without considering your own satisfaction.
It could also be a way to get something else.
My neighbor has a behavioral pattern when he wants something from his wife.
He comes home early, talks and laughs with her, and even helps her in the kitchen.
Whenever he does this, I know immediately that he wants something from her, and the moment he gets it, he returns to his previous behavior.
In the hands of a husband who is using you, anything is a weapon, even intimacy.
8. He lies to you frequently
Never have I ever seen a manipulator who doesn’t lie; lies and deceptions are just some of the most used tools in the bag of tricks of a husband who uses his wife.
Honesty is supposed to be a virtue, but it is one that he lacks.
People who use others for their own benefit are usually dishonest people.
They lie all the time.
If you have caught your husband lying to you frequently, it could be a sign that he is using you.
A man who is using you will most likely lie about his finances.
Another thing worth noting is that your husband usually says he is in a financially precarious state.
You have never seen him financially buoyant.
He is always complaining about one deal that went wrong or an investment that turned sour.
Now, I am not saying that your husband couldn’t be sincere about not having enough.
But if it becomes a constant story, it is a sign he is using you.
This is just an example of some of the lies a man can tell you when he is using you.
They are so creative when it comes to thinking up lies.
9. He disregards your feelings
If your husband seems to make decisions without involving you, it could be a sign that he sees you as nothing more than a puppet he can control by pulling strings.
He makes decisions that satisfy his needs and disregards yours because he really doesn’t care about your welfare.
For instance, your husband may get a job offer somewhere and insist on uprooting the family without any regard for the effects on you.
So, if you realize that decisions in your marriage are basically one-sided, it is a sign that you are nothing but a tool to your husband.
He will keep you as long as you give him what he wants.
But once he is done with you: you know what happens next.
10. He isolates you from family and friends
I know some females find it romantic when their husbands are overly possessive of them.
Jeez! The fact that your husband keeps you isolated because he is over-possessive or insecure is not romantic.
It is another way of keeping you away from your support system.
I know that there is a need to keep external influences at bay from your marriage but this doesn’t mean friends and family should be totally cut off.
In healthy relationships, partners keep cordial relationships with family and friends.
However, if you feel like your husband gets annoyed anytime you communicate with family or friends, it is a sign that he wants to isolate you.
Isolation is not good for anyone.
You can not be an island.
You need people to support you.
If your husband doesn’t realize you need this connection to your family, he may just be trying to control you.
Any husband who tries to isolate you from family and friends is most likely a control freak.
He wants you to remain dependent on him so you would be more pliable to his control.
If the signs have been ticking all the boxes related to your husband, it is a sign that he is using you.
If this is the case, you don’t have to panic.
There are things you can do.
The first thing to do is to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns.
He may not know how his behavior makes you feel.
If he takes responsibility for his actions and is willing to work on changing them, then there is hope for your marriage.
However, if he disregards or dismisses your feelings and says you are just acting up, you may need to consider other options.
You may need to establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional and financial well-being.
You must ensure your husband respects these boundaries.
You could also talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor who can provide guidance and support.
Lastly, you need to evaluate your relationship.
You need to decide whether your relationship is worth the effort you are putting in.
Sometimes, all you need to do to stop being someone’s tool is for you to finally realize your worth.
For this, you need to exercise self-love.
After all, if you don’t love yourself first, no one will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved.