You can feel totally alone in your marriage.
It is a weird feeling.
I mean, here you are in the most intimate relationship that exists, yet you feel completely alone.
You can’t connect with your partner anymore.
In fact, you feel like you have better interactions with strangers.
This is what it means to be married but emotionally single.
It means you are in a marriage yet there are all kinds of voids within you that your relationship is not filling up.
It means you are just going through the motions of coupled life while experiencing loneliness that even single people don’t experience.
You share a home, maybe even have some kids but your heart feels like it is flying solo.
Here are some telltale signs that you are married, but emotionally single.
And what you can do to remedy the situation.
8 Signs You’re Married But Emotionally Single
1. You feel lonelier together than you do alone
If you start having feelings of loneliness in your relationship, it is a sign that things are not going as they should.
It is not a phase.
Don’t assume that it is one.
Working relationships don’t have phases when partners feel lonelier when they are together than when they are alone.
You could be sitting right next to your spouse but it feels like there is an invisible wall separating you.
You don’t talk to each other anymore except when it is absolutely necessary.
That’s a problem.
Don’t get me wrong, you can’t always talk to your partner.
But even in silence, couples should be comfortable with each other.
There is something called “companionable silence,” and if your silence is not like this, then there is something wrong.
The silence isn’t comfortable.
It is heavy and full of tension.
You are wondering what is in your partner’s mind, and you are disturbed by the fact that you don’t know what they are thinking.
You no longer have deep and meaningful conversations.
Even shallow conversations between both of you could feel like a burden.
Ever had to have small talk with someone you don’t like?
The effort that goes into maintaining that conversation is even less than what goes into maintaining a shallow and civil conversation with your partner.
Not to talk of the absence of the easy banter that characterizes happy marriages.
You miss laughing at something your partner said.
You miss having inside jokes.
You miss all the basic things because it feels like your marriage only gives you the barest minimum.
You don’t even feel seen again.
That sense of neglect and abandonment is a source of heartache for you.
Happy relationships shouldn’t be like this.
Something should be done to nip whatever is happening in the bud.
2. Your emotional needs are met elsewhere
Everyone has needs that should be satisfied in marriage.
That’s why I tell people that marriage is a lot of work.
You should ensure you are ready for it before getting into it.
It’s not a fun vacation that continues forever.
Anyhow, a major sign that you are married but emotionally single has to be the fact that your emotional needs are being met elsewhere.
Your partner doesn’t even act like they give a hoot about what you are feeling and so, you have to vent to friends, confide in a coworker, or even seek emotional connection through online chats with social media friends.
Regardless of the way you do it, you find yourself turning to outsiders for the connection your marriage lacks.
There is this big vacuum in your heart that you are almost desperate to fill.
Your spouse is physically present, but emotionally, they are a ghost.
They are not interested in discussions about emotions and feelings.
They are indifferent on the subject and would rather spend their time with you, scrolling away on their phones or thoroughly immersed in some other activities.
In fact, you can actually get the idea that they are disturbed by your attempts to interact with them.
If this has continued for a while, it is no longer a phase.
It is your marriage fading away right before your eyes.
3. You are just roommates with a ring
This is the saddest thing ever.
I mean, to go from being so in love with each other to just acting like roommates is terrible.
When I was in the university, I stayed in the school hostel and every year, we had to change rooms.
So, we basically had new roommates.
The early days were really crucial.
They determine if your roommates will become your friends.
I always made friends with my roommates, but I know people who didn’t.
Their rooms were dull and boring.
Lately, these are the words that describe your marriage for you.
It feels like your partner is nothing more than a roommate.
Worse yet, they are like roommates who never get to connect with each other and build a friendship.
You split chores, manage the finances, and maybe even parent well together, but the romance is gone from your marriage.
There is no spark, no flirtation, no effort to keep the passion alive: all you do is discuss bills and responsibilities.
You never talk about love, intimacy, and other important things.
The truth is that your marriage is beginning to feel more like a business partnership than a romantic relationship.
When you notice this sad sign in your marriage, you may just be emotionally single.
4. You have stopped sharing yourself
The reason marriage is so intimate is the beautiful way partners just express their deepest thoughts to each other.
For it to be successful, it requires a level of vulnerability that leaves you naked in the sight of your partner.
It sounds uncomfortable, but trust me, with the right person, vulnerability is the most comfortable thing ever.
Well, you only have vague memories of times when this was the story of your marriage.
Now, you no longer share your random thoughts, dreams, and fears with your partner.
All your condensations seem limited to logistics.
Who is taking the kids to school?
Who is picking them up?
Bills, bills, and more bills.
I have stayed in some households and noticed that if some of these couples didn’t have kids, they wouldn’t have anything to talk about.
If you no longer feel safe or interested in opening up to your partner, it is a sign of emotional detachment.
You may tick the “married” box on forms, but emotionally, you are single.
5. You have started fantasizing about life without them
Fantasizing about life without your partner has never been a sign of a successful marriage.
It is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.
In this case, constantly fantasizing about being free from your partner could be caused by the emotional neglect that you have been experiencing.
It is a sign that one part of you feels like you are better off single.
After all, what is the benefit of being married when you still have to deal with emotional neglect?
You may even catch yourself wondering if anyone would notice if you just woke up one morning and left the relationship.
If thoughts like these constantly cross your mind, it is a sign that your marriage has done nothing to fill that emotional void within.
It is the height of it all when you start feeling like you could actually leave the marriage, and your partner wouldn’t even notice.
That’s not how marriage should work at all.
6. You take care of everything on your own
What are partners for if they don’t assist with stuff around the house?
A strong marriage is a team effort.
So, if you are constantly struggling alone, it could be a sign that you are emotionally single.
Whether it’s parenting, emotional stress, or big life decisions, your partner should be able to help you.
If this is not the case, it could be a sign that your partner has checked out already.
I have seen several people who are so burnt out trying to keep their homes working.
Marriage and parenting are a lot of work for even two couples in successful marriages.
Putting the entire body of all that on just one person has to be cruel.
It is the action of a partner who no longer cares about the relationship.
Little wonder why you are feeling emotionally single.
That’s what you are actually.
7. Affection feels forced or non-existent
Another thing that takes a hit when there is an emotional disconnect in relationships is intimacy and generally expressing affection for each other.
Hugs, kisses, and other casual gestures of affection have all disappeared.
Sometimes, they have not disappeared completely, but when they happen, it feels forced.
There’s no ease in doing these things.
In fact, one part of you feels uncomfortable when it happens.
Feeling that way isn’t normal.
It is a sign that something has gone terribly wrong in your relationship.
When you are married but emotionally single, physical intimacy becomes non-existent, and whenever it occurs, it is mechanical at best.
You start feeling like your partner touching you is an invasion of some kind.
8. You are the only one investing effort into the marriage
A successful marriage is successful because of two partners who are equally invested in making the relationship work.
The moment you realize that you have been the only one making an effort in a long while, it is a sign that something is wrong.
You initiate conversations, plan dates, suggest therapy, or try to reconnect—only to be met with indifference.
If your efforts to revive the relationship are one-sided, emotional loneliness is often the result.
You just feel like you are trying to swim against strong currents and it is taking all your energy.
You are tired and exhausted from all your efforts that have gone without any form of yield.
There have been no positive changes in your relationship, and you may be on the verge of giving up.
Don’t give up on your marriage yet.
Recognizing the signs that you are married but emotionally single is just the first step.
You need to decide what you want.
If you still love your partner, express your feelings honestly.
They might not even realize how disconnected you feel.
Couples therapy can provide a safe space to rebuild emotional intimacy if your partner is ready to work with you to save the relationship.
If nothing changes, you need to reevaluate things.
Ask yourself, “Can I live like this forever?”
Being married but emotionally single is a painful limbo.
It’s like you are just held stagnant in a position.
And you don’t deserve this.
You deserve a love that is present every day of your married life.
A love that chooses you every time.
Not a relationship that is only valid on legal papers.