I know this topic seems quite ironic.
You might wonder, “Why would a good marriage break down?”
And normally, that should be the ideal, but if you’ve lived long enough, you’ll know that life isn’t always black and white; sometimes, it comes with a whole shades of grey.
In one of those shades of grey, two good people can be in a good marriage, and it could still break down and even end in divorce.
In this post, we will look at some of the reasons that could happen.
The 10 Real Reasons Good Marriages Break Down
1. Conflicting Expectations
Conflicting expectations can cause a good marriage to break down because expectations can silently clash even in good marriages.
For instance, one partner can assume roles will be split a certain way, while the other expects something totally different.
While they may or may not talk about it, if nothing changes, one person or both may feel disappointed, which could lead to resentment.
Also, I remember a lady talking about her partner on X (formerly Twitter).
She said he was a good man who made sure that she was eating healthily and that her supplement tabs never ran out.
The only problem is that he never buys her flowers, and she loves them.
Now, you might be wondering what flowers are in comparison to making sure you are healthy and never lacking what you need.
But that’s inconsequential when we consider that she likes them, and that’s just as important; they make her feel good, and that’s a valid desire.
She could end up marrying the guy, believing she could do without the flowers because she has been made to believe they don’t matter.
However, two things would happen: it is either she genuinely grows to find them unimportant or finds that that need is vital for her and grows resentful.
Looking at this case, we can’t say the guy is a bad guy; maybe he just sees flowers as a waste of money, or maybe she never communicated her desire.
Whatever the case, something like this could break down a marriage.
So, sometimes, unmet or conflicting expectations might not seem like much at first, but they could affect a marriage in the long run.
The truth is, many couples aren’t falling apart because they’re bad partners; they just never got on the same page about what they really expected from each other.
2. Money Issues
Unfortunately, money stress doesn’t care how much you love each other.
If you have different approaches to money or there are money constraints, it could affect a marriage.
Financial tension can slowly build resentment if there are issues like overspending, income gaps and different saving styles.
In cases like this, one partner might feel controlled, while the other might feel unsupported.
And it’s not because they are greedy; it’s usually fear or frustration driving the conflict.
If they don’t talk about it or align their goals based on their conversations, it is only a matter of time before it affects other areas of the marriage.
3. Incompatible Personalities
I know people say that opposites attract, and that could be true in some instances.
However, this is not true for all situations.
Yes, love can bring opposites together because they may be attracted to a trait they lack in the other person.
But real-life compatibility matters, too.
So, two good people might genuinely care about each other and still struggle to coexist peacefully because of how differently they operate.
For instance, an outgoing person and an introvert might work if both of them allow the other to be themselves and draw them into their world once in a while.
That means the introvert willingly goes out sometimes, and the outgoing partner respects staying home as well.
But if the outgoing person keeps pushing their partner to go out without considering their personality, or the introvert fights their partner for not staying home, there could be a problem.
Also, imagine a couple where one is spontaneous and the other needs a plan, or one loves deep conversations, and the other is more of a casual converser.
Both sides are valid, but the differences can make life feel like a tug-of-war
The clashes might not be able to keep the marriage together, especially if neither is willing to compromise for the other.
4. Secrets
I saw a movie recently in which a man kept his daughter away from his girlfriend, not because he wanted to deliberately deceive her, but because he was afraid she wouldn’t accept it.
Now, you might argue that he is a bad person, no matter the motive.
I would argue, though, that this is one of the times where things are not so black and white.
Yes, secrets are terrible in a relationship or marriage, and yes, every party should be honest and transparent.
Sometimes, though, people keep things out of shame or a desire to “protect” their partner.
The only problem is that secrets rarely stay secret; they often come out.
When they do, they break trust, which could destroy a marriage if it isn’t rebuilt.
5. Third-Party Interferences
Sometimes, two people could destroy their home because they let a third party in.
Now, don’t misunderstand – I am all for seeking counselling if necessary, but you must also protect your marriage from different influences – even if they mean well.
People can mean well, but they can stir drama in your home without even realizing it.
Although it can happen with friends, it often happens with family who don’t understand boundaries or feel the need to meddle.
If the couple or one of them struggles to draw the line, they can unintentionally make their partner feel like a third wheel.
If you have seen Deliver Us from Eva, you know what I mean.
It’s not pretty when someone, no matter how well-intentioned, is always in your partner’s ear; it may cause serious problems in a good marriage.
6. Lack Of Communication
It is practically impossible for a couple to live together without talking, so it is not just about talking; it is what they are talking about or how they are doing the talking.
While the everyday, random conversations are great, are they talking about what really matters?
Are they also hearing each other?
If not, many things can come from that – fatigue, misunderstanding, and resentment.
When conversations become surface-level or conflict gets swept under the rug in a marriage, no matter how good, it will soon take a toll on the marriage.
Before long, two people who love each other deeply can become strangers because they have stopped really talking.
7. Sex Issues
Sex isn’t everything, but in marriage, it matters.
And I’m not talking about the act itself, but what it represents – connection, vulnerability, and affection.
And that’s why it can affect an otherwise good marriage.
If a couple have incompatible libidos, unmet needs, or emotional disconnection in the bedroom, it can quietly damage their intimacy.
If they don’t talk about it or improve the situation by meeting each other halfway or seeing a therapist, it can affect their marriage.
8. Inadequate Preparation
Some people get into marriage with all the love in the world, but without the tools to actually do marriage.
Unfortunately, no matter how great you are, if you don’t know something, you just don’t know it.
Maybe they just didn’t talk deeply about values before marriage, or never learned healthy conflict resolution.
So, when real life hits, they start crumbling under the weight of it all.
Love is a good foundation for marriage, but you also need to be properly prepared for the institution of marriage.
Without a proper structure, even the best love story can collapse.
9. Conflicting Values
Another reason why a good marriage might break down is conflicting values.
No matter how good a marriage supposedly is, if a couple has conflicting values that they feel strongly about, the marriage may not stand.
This could have been avoided if they had spoken about it and gone their own way when they found out it wouldn’t work.
However, a lot could have happened to prevent this.
One is that the couple did not speak about these things because they didn’t know they were important.
They were likely having more casual conversations about favorite colors and movies when they should have also spoken about other germane matters like faith, children, finances, and, even political ideologies.
This is not to bash them, as many people make this mistake, thinking that knowing someone is just about knowing their likes and dislikes.
Truly knowing someone also entails knowing their thought process and worldview.
Knowing if they believe in God or not, and what faith they profess.
Knowing if they want children or not.
Knowing what they think about money.
Knowing their views on monogamy and so on.
Another thing is that some people find out these things, but they may feel like it wouldn’t matter because they love each other.
Unfortunately, “love” doesn’t have an answer for why one person wants children while the other doesn’t.
And in another instance, one of them might change in the course of the marriage while the other doesn’t.
For instance, if one person finds God and the other is still strongly against faith, it may be difficult to align both value systems.
All these differences could take a toll on the marriage, despite both parties loving each other.
10. Lack Of The Will To Fight For It
You may be giving me the side-eye now, and you would be right.
I understand that sometimes people say this condescendingly, as if the people involved didn’t do everything they could to keep their marriage.
Or, like letting your marriage get to that point is the easiest thing ever.
I understand that and I agree, but hear me out.
While some people do everything they can, and their best isn’t enough, we can’t pretend some people don’t try at all.
This is quite tricky, so I am trying to be cautious.
A part of me is saying, “Who are you to determine what’s enough?”
I get that, but in the spirit of putting everything out there and ensuring people face themselves in the mirror, we might as well say it.
Some marriages break down because one or both parties gave up too soon.
They may love each other, but when something shakes their reality, they immediately abandon the marriage.
No marriage is without its challenges.
Unfortunately, some people cannot handle any less-than-perfect situation.
However, the fact that a marriage goes through trouble at times doesn’t mean it is done.
In some cases, if one person had just persevered a little more, the marriage could have been saved.
A good marriage doesn’t survive on feelings alone; it requires grit, grace, a willingness to show up even when it’s hard, and most importantly, forgiveness.
That is why marriage is said to be a union of two forgivers.