When I got married, I’m ashamed to say I went in with so many fantasies.
Don’t blame me; I am a rom-com fanatic.
Bear in mind that this is not an attempt to bash romcoms; they are still my favorite genre.
But if you are like me, you must learn to separate what’s being shown from reality because it doesn’t always work that way outside of the make-believe world.
Of course, you can get some measure of the fairy tale.
It’s not out of the world to expect to get a good man who is thoughtful and considerate.
However, what’s often portrayed might be challenging to find in one man because you are dealing with an actual human being with flaws, stress, uncertainties, and insecurities.
Know that there are certain things you must stop expecting from your husband as they are unrealistic and will make you unhappy.
I learned this the hard way, but you don’t need to go that route.
I always say learning from other people’s experiences is the best life lesson.
You don’t have to go through it to learn from it.
Since I have done the job of experiencing it, you can just learn from me.
Having said that, let’s look at them.
6 Things I Stopped Expecting From My Husband To Become A Happier Wife
1. Agree with me on everything
This one is quite ridiculous, but I unfortunately had this problem.
I discovered later that it was an issue I had, so it might be peculiar.
However, I’m still including it because someone else might relate.
That being said, the problem is that if I am in a relationship with someone, I believe we must have the same thoughts about everything.
Yes, I know, it is ridiculous.
But I took this mindset into marriage, forgetting that my husband is his own person with independent thoughts.
He grew up differently from me and had different experiences, so we will not always agree.
What’s important is that we agree on the most important things, such as faith, money, parenting and whatnot.
Even at that, sometimes, we differ in certain applications of things.
For me, this was a significant issue – I expected us to always flow from the same wavelength.
So, if I said something and he had a contrary opinion or he said something I was against, I panicked.
In my mind, could we be meant to be?
If yes, then why didn’t we agree on everything?
Thank God for good friends who called me to order and made me see the foolishness of my reasoning.
I spoke to my two closest friends about it, and they reset my thinking in a conference call.
They told me we could argue, have different opinions, and still be the best lovers; we just needed to do it respectfully, compromise where required, and agree to disagree where unimportant.
I cannot tell you how much freeing this advice has been.
Now, when we argue, I ask myself how important this is in the grand scheme of things.
If it doesn’t impact our family in any way, we agree to disagree and move on.
If it does, we talk about it and find a middle ground, and everybody is happy.
2. My sole source of happiness
Again, my fantasies led me to believe my husband would always make me happy.
He will always put a smile on my face and make sure I have no reason to be sad.
It doesn’t mean that the statement above is untrue; it is just unrealistic to always expect this from a human being.
The emphasis is on always.
Yes, my husband should want me to be happy and do what he can to ensure I am happy, just as I should for him.
However, he cannot always do this because there are times when he is stressed and unhappy; you cannot make someone happy when you are sad.
And as hard as it is to hear, there are times when he will be selfish.
Before you go for the jugular on this, remember that every human is inherently selfish; what differs is the degree.
If someone is often selfish, then that’s an issue.
But when they occasionally think of themselves, it is even encouraged in some quarters.
So, in those instances where he wants to think of himself, it might clash with mine, which could result in him being unable to make me happy.
Therefore, the best approach is to ensure that your husband is not your sole source of happiness.
You need to first find happiness from within – you must find inner satisfaction.
Then, you need a life that is not solely dependent on your husband and that makes you happy – family, friends, hobbies, and interests.
3. Perfection
You’ll be surprised how disappointed I used to be in my husband when he acted less than perfect.
I had issues with him for having flaws, especially those I thought should be simple.
For instance, why is it hard for him to keep things where they are meant to be?
Surely, that shouldn’t be difficult, right?
Wrong.
This is because we are beings of habit, and considering that he has been missing where things should be all his life, it is not that easy to magically change because he married me.
Even if he wants to change to please me, changing a habit is not easy, so I needed to cut him some slack.
Also, I do things that make him grind his teeth.
For instance, I eat in the bedroom and don’t take the dish to the kitchen until the next day.
The difference between us is that he accepted it and helped me take the dishes while I kept complaining.
One day, after another bout of argument that left me drained, I had to ask myself if I wanted to continue like this for the rest of my life.
When I got my answer, I decided to rest.
He is not perfect, just like I am not.
How about I do what he does by being the strength where he is weak?
He helps me clean up after eating, and I should be able to return things to their original places when I see them wrongly placed.
Let me tell you, since I resolved that issue, I have been so much happier.
4. Being my everything
Do you know those women who get married and make their husbands their world, neglecting everyone else?
Unfortunately, I was one of those women.
I can see you judging me, and I accept it because I honestly can’t believe it now that I know better.
Please forgive my ignorance.
But if you are still doing this, you should pay attention to it because it can be your salvation from constant unhappiness.
Your husband cannot be everything to you; he cannot be hubby, bestie, lover, confidant, solution-provider, money-provider, protector, and so on.
Yes, he should want to and even try; I think it’s normal to want to be all these things to your spouse.
But it is also too many expectations on one person, so you should relieve him of that duty.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a married woman is to neglect your girlfriends.
Believe me when I tell you your husband cannot fill that space.
There are so many things about women that he will just not understand – as much as he may try to – you need your girls for that.
Your husband is just one person; he cannot be everything, and putting that much burden on him is unfair.
See him as your partner in everything, but understand when some things are just beyond his bandwidth and leverage your community for that.
5. Read my mind
I believe this is the most common mistake among women, not just wives.
We don’t say what we want or think and expect him to magically know when he is not God.
I remember a preacher I love, Joyce Meyer, talking about the earlier years of her marriage when she used to feel overwhelmed with so much and was angry her husband didn’t notice.
One day, she exploded, and he told her she could have just asked for his help, as he thought she was okay.
Now, I get the argument about his trying to be more thoughtful – absolutely.
But he still cannot pick on everything; he needs to be told some things.
If you want him to pick up the laundry, tell him.
If you want him to entertain the kids while you work, tell him.
Don’t just assume he should know it; it puts too much strain on your marriage.
Telling him is so much easier, I promise you.
When I changed, I discovered that my husband was far more willing to help than I thought; I just wasn’t requiring him to before.
6. Remember everything
I chuckle while writing this, remembering those years when I would wake up on the anniversary of something, expecting him to say something.
“Aren’t you missing something?” I’d say, sending him into panic, trying to remember why the day was special.
When he doesn’t remember, I will be in a snit and ruin our day.
I got tired of this and just started telling him weeks and days before when I thought a day was special and should be celebrated.
Honestly, since I started doing that, I have had peace.
I get the argument that he should remember certain days, like your birthday and wedding anniversary, but does it matter if he doesn’t remember the exact date you smiled at each other across the school lot?
I know romcoms might make you think otherwise, but some people are terrible with dates.
So, if you have one as a husband, instead of comparing him to men who remember the exact second they thought of something, help him out by reminding him.
If he often forgets your birthday, you could encourage him to put it in his calendar so he never forgets.
Of course, that’s if he is willing and ready to work with you, not when he just doesn’t care.
If it’s the latter, you have a bigger problem on your hands than forgetting dates; your marriage is likely going through troubles.
But if he sincerely forgets dates – which you would have seen consistently over the years – just help him remember.
To conclude, marriage is not always easy, but sometimes, we make it harder by having unrealistic expectations.
When we change our mentality about many things, we will see that some things are not as difficult as we thought.
I have learnt that after more than five years of marriage, and I hope applying it helps you find the happiness you want.