Have you heard people, particularly Nigerians, make cryptic comments on social media?
“Marriage no be beans o.”
“Marriage no be for small pikin.”
“Marriage is not for the faint-hearted!”
They say these because, away from the glam and glitz online, the matching pajamas and PDAs, a lot of work goes into building a strong and beautiful marriage.
Outward appearances often don’t capture the gravity of work put into the marriage to make it successful.
It would be very unfair not to acknowledge that it is also different for everyone, as no two marriages are the same.
However, certain factors can contribute to making marriage extremely hard, and we will capture them in this article.
Please read on.
15 Things That Make Marriages Extremely Hard
1. Unrealistic expectations
Every relationship, marital, friendship, workplace, and even family, comes with expectations.
These expectations are often based on our experiences, beliefs, and societal norms.
For example, as a friend, I expect you to support and be there for me.
As an employee, I expect my boss to provide a safe working environment and fair compensation.
Similarly, in a marriage, we often have expectations of our partner, and everything seems great when these expectations are met.
But when these expectations are not met, it can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even resentment.
A major reason for unmet expectations in marriages is unrealistic expectations.
We may expect our partner to always be happy, to never get angry, to always know what we need without communication, to always put us first, or to fulfill all of our needs and desires.
However, the reality is that no one is perfect, and expecting perfection from your partner will only lead to disappointment and strain on the relationship.
2. Comparison and uncontentment
Comparison is the thief of joy, and this is truer in marriages.
Marriage is hard already, and when we constantly compare our relationship to others, it only adds unnecessary pressure and dissatisfaction.
I understand that our expectations in a marriage are often influenced by comparison to others.
When we see our friends or family members posting happy pictures on social media, we start comparing our own marriage to theirs.
We see couples going on lavish vacations or buying expensive gifts for each other, and we wonder why our own marriage doesn’t measure up.
Like Nigerians like to say, “God, when?”
But the truth is, social media only shows a highlight reel of people’s lives.
We don’t see the struggles and challenges that every relationship faces.
And even if someone’s marriage seems perfect from the outside, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t facing their own issues and difficulties.
Marriage is no child’s play, but comparing ours to others is like comparing apples to oranges.
It’ll only make it harder.
3. Unresolved trauma and low self-esteem
Ealier today, I was sharing with a group of people how we are a product of our experiences, and how those experiences shape us.
As humans, we are all bound to go through difficult times in our lives.
But sometimes, these experiences can leave lasting scars on our hearts and minds.
Unresolved trauma or past hurts can greatly affect the way we view ourselves and others.
And when it comes to marriage, this unresolved trauma can manifest in many ways, from feeling unworthy of love to struggling with trust issues.
Do you know how this makes marriage extremely hard?
Let me give an example.
If someone grew up in a home where they were constantly told they were not good enough, it could lead to low self-esteem and a belief that they are unworthy of love.
This can then manifest in a marriage where the person may constantly seek validation from their partner or struggle with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
Or someone who was greatly hurt in a past relationship may have difficulty fully trusting their spouse, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
These unresolved issues can also lead to communication problems and conflict within the marriage.
All of these unresolved traumas and feelings can make a marriage harder than it should be.
4. Unequal yoking
I’m not saying every couple should want the same things in life, but when there is a huge difference in ambition and drive, it can lead to issues in the marriage and make things hard.
For example, if a woman is constantly working long hours and pursuing her career goals while her husband is content with staying at the same level and not striving for more, this can frustrate a marriage.
The ambitious partner may feel like she is carrying all the weight in terms of financial responsibilities and decision-making, while the man may feel left behind or unfulfilled.
In fact, it can even lead to infidelity as the husband may seek validation and fulfillment outside of the marriage just to feel like a man.
Marriage can feel like a drag when one dreams of soaring high but is yoked with an unambitious spouse.
5. Infertility
No one plans for situations like infertility in marriage.
In fact, in Nigeria, where I am from, part of the blessings the elders pray for you on your wedding day is for you to have many children.
Unfortunately, infertility is a situation many couples face, and it makes marriage extremely hard.
Particularly for African women, who are pressured more by societal standards.
Coming down to pressure at the extended family level, spousal level and even internal pressure (pressure you put on yourself).
Even when couples try to tide over the wave of infertility, they are still assailed by the daily challenges that come with it and the expectations of others.
Many times, these things put a strain on the marriage itself.
I know a couple who waited twelve years to have their baby.
In between, the woman dealt with miscarriages, monthly dashed hopes of pregnancy, mismanagement by a hospital, and even the uncertainty of IVF.
It was a roller coaster for their marriage, but thankfully, they scaled through!
Many marriages crumble under the weight of infertility issues, unfortunately.
Thankfully, there are more technological inventions and solutions to infertility.
Still, even at that, these processes, for instance, IVF, could be a very arduous journey, one that shakes the foundation of a marriage.
6. Heady mindsets
Just like they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, dealing with people with fixed mindsets has got to be one of the most frustrating things ever!
Some partners have fixated mindsets that could easily become the weapon fashioned against their marriages.
They still hold cultural and traditional mindsets in the twenty-first century and will not compromise, thus making marriage extremely hard.
I once heard the story of a man who insisted that his wife kneel to serve his food and address him as “Lord!”
She went through a lot being married to him, as it was no different from being in a military camp.
The unwillingness to compromise in marriage and holding on to destructive mindsets could make marriage extremely hard.
7. Difficult transitions
Change is the only constant thing in life, but no one has ever said change is ever easy.
I have seen happy couples who changed location only to have their marriage tested by the transition.
For some, a mid-life crisis came to rock their boats.
For others, transitioning from being just a couple to being parents came with hard curve balls, making navigating their marriage extremely hard.
A friend of mine dealt with preeclampsia and high BP during her first pregnancy.
She had to be put on bed rest for many months.
She gave birth to a premature baby girl who was in the hospital for an extra two months after birth.
It was such a trying time for her and her marriage.
Her husband unfortunately didn’t handle these curve balls very well, and her confidence was badly bruised.
Gaskiya! (Hausa word for “seriously”)
No one tells you what will happen that will rock your world, but change has its cons, and this is one of them.
Some changes and transitions make marriage extremely strenuous.
8. External influences
The statement “Three is a crowd” is true in marriage.
Although you can’t ditch your friends and family when you get married, in fact, you will still need other relationships apart from your spouse, but you should also be careful about how they influence your marriage.
People have different opinions on how a marriage should run and parenting styles.
If you listen to everyone else’s opinion, you may be setting yourself up for trouble.
As well-meaning as some external influences may be, they often make marriages extremely hard.
Another external influence we don’t consider is social media.
Due to technological advancements and innovations, we can see and practically experience different people’s ideologies every day.
The danger, however, is that there are now blurry lines, and sometimes social media subconsciously influences marriages and makes it hard.
It could be through comparisons or unrealistic expectations inherited from the blings of social media marriages.
9. Financial struggles
Love is great, but it is never enough.
In fact, love can be super frustrating without money.
Some marriages hit the rocks when financial struggles came knocking.
Maintaining a family is expensive; without money, the tension will heighten no matter how much the couple once loved each other.
10. Deception and distrust
Trust is the bedrock of a strong and healthy relationship.
It is terrible to have to deal with a partner you can’t trust.
It makes marriage extremely hard, and a partner who lacks fidelity is as good as an enemy.
11. Character defects
Character flaws, such as poor listening skills, lack of understanding, conflict resolution skills, and communication skills, can make marriages extremely difficult.
Communication is an integral part of marriage, so being married to a poor or unwilling communicator can frustrate the life out of you!
It is so stressful to deal with the excesses of someone who never understands you, never listens or likes to keep malice.
Argh!
12. Sexual dissatisfaction or incompatibility
Sex is an underrated variable in marriage.
I have heard people ask, “Is sex food?”
Well, while sex might not be physical food, it is a vital part of marriage.
Sex and physical intimacy make the difference in most marriages.
Little wonder, there are many dissatisfied spouses seeking intimacy outside their union.
This doesn’t in any way defend cheating but to say that sexual incompatibility can make marriage a curse instead of a blessing.
I once read a story online of a woman who hated sex because of how torturous it was every time because of her husband’s large-sized manhood.
She eventually fled the marriage traumatized!
God Abeg!
13. Immaturity
Marriage is not for babies, and marrying an immature spouse will give you a daily taste of hell.
Marriage is a union that demands a high level of maturity, responsibility, and commitment.
An immature spouse will literally drive you crazy, and there is no reasoning with such.
Tell me, why won’t such a marriage be extremely hard?
14. Addictions and domestic violence
When you are married to a drunk or a partner who gambles as much as they breathe, that is like setting yourself up to fail.
Addictions are like dark webs and can make relationships like marriage very complicated, especially when children are in the mix.
Likewise, domestic violence makes marriage a hell hole and extremely hard.
Unfortunately, some people endure it till they go six feet under.
I believe that no one should have to go through such a horrifying experience.
15. Unforeseen contingencies
Most couples’ wedding day is usually their happiest day, and they go into marriage full of hope.
Life is filled with uncertainties, and no one knows what will happen at the next minute.
Some people encounter unplanned and unforeseen challenges afterward that make marriage feel like a living hell.
I have a friend who has been fighting an autoimmune disease for about five years now.
She was perfectly healthy until two years into her marriage when her whole world was turned upside down.
The family has lost a lot in the course of her treatments and has had to live far away from home so she can get the necessary treatment.
Sometimes, she weeps for her husband, who is her primary caregiver and whose life had to be literally put on hold for the past five years.
Sigh!
That is an extremely hard thing to deal with!
Honestly, no two marriages are the same, and building a solid and happy marriage takes a lot of effort.
The couple involved often need to check inwards first and make the required adjustments.
If your marriage has been extremely hard, you may want to seek the services of a professional marriage counselor or a therapist, as the case requires.
The point is to get help because success in marriage is not bet9ja (a gamble).
The fact remains that the two cannot work together unless they agree.
I wish you all the best.