Marriage is a beautiful journey.
It is not always smooth sailing, but it is beautiful when it is between two people who love each other and are dedicated to making their marriage work.
Society often focuses on the frustrations of wives, while unhappy husbands also carry unspoken thoughts.
It is not a competition, and I believe that men should do better when it comes to expressing their feelings, because if they express themselves, no one will do it for them.
I know that several unhappy husbands refrain from speaking about their unhappiness because they are afraid of conflicts and misunderstandings.
Some may even feel guilty about feeling the way they do.
But the truth is that if all these unspoken thoughts are not expressed, issues can’t be resolved satisfactorily.
What if these unhappy husbands feel safe enough to express their unspoken thoughts without any fear of judgment?
What are those things they will speak about?
Here’s a raw, honest look into what many unhappy husbands secretly wish they could say.
8 Things Unhappy Husbands Secretly Wish They Could Say
1. “I need respect just as much as you need love.”
Men generally thrive on respect.
You must note I am not speaking of those exceptions who love to be degraded.
Most men love to be respected.
And while many women may think it is an attempt to control them, it is actually not.
It is also not a power move.
It is just validation.
The fact that a man is respected by his wife is a sign that he is doing something right.
While most wives would definitely respect a husband who does right by the family, there are some wives who don’t.
This could lead to many conflicts and unhappiness in the marriage.
For instance, I find it really unnecessary for a wife to start calling her husband names like “foolish man” due to conflict.
It is a sign of gross disrespect.
When a man feels dismissed, mocked, or belittled by his wife, it cuts him deep.
This is especially true when it is done in the presence of others.
It could make a man feel so degraded and disrespected that he may want to say, “I don’t need you to agree with me all the time, but I need to know that my opinion matters”.
Dear wives, respecting your husband doesn’t mean you have to agree with him all the time.
What it simply means is that you listen to him when he speaks, let him know you value his input, and then share your opinions.
It won’t hurt you to do this.
Respect is just as important to a man as love is to a woman.
In fact, the truth is that mutual respect is just as important as love because women deserve respect, too.
2. “I am not just a paycheck.”
Today, I just spoke to someone about a man who died some years back.
The man was married with three kids, and he had to stay in a separate state from his family to work.
Every time he visited his family, he was often stressed and tired, but he always came with a lot of goodies for them.
He had very few clothes, but his wife and kids were treated like royalty.
He was looking worn out, but his family looked good because he was responsible.
Many responsible husbands are like this.
They work incredibly hard to provide for their families, even at the expense of themselves, yet they may not always be genuinely appreciated by their families.
That’s a problem.
It makes a man so sad.
Working so hard yet getting no form of appreciation.
He starts feeling like he isn’t more than a paycheck to his wife.
He may secretly want to say, “I wish you could see me as more than just the guy who pays the bills. I want to feel valued for who I am”.
He isn’t asking for too much.
He just wants to know that he is loved and valued without any terms and conditions attached to it.
One time, I saw some men talking and saying that a man is only appreciated in his marriage when he provides.
I disagreed because I know several women who are not like this.
So, it shouldn’t be generalized.
However, the truth is that this is the reality for many husbands today.
A man is more than a paycheck.
Don’t treat him like that’s all he is.
3. “I am lonely even when you are right next to me.”
I am no stranger to the feeling of being lonely, even around people.
However, the times I experienced this, I was a new student in a big school without any friends.
Strangely, married couples can feel this way in what is meant to be the most intimate relationship ever.
But this happens in some relationships.
Emotional disconnection hurts a lot, and the sad part is that many couples are emotionally disconnected from each other.
I have seen couples who wake up, hardly say anything to each other before going to work, come back from work, and then just relax in the living room with their phones in hand.
Both of them are so immersed in scrolling on their phones that they hardly spare any attention for each other, except to discuss responsibilities.
This is not how a marriage should be, and when a man who knows this is in a marriage that is going through this phase, he will be unhappy.
He could sit down beside his wife, trying to make conversation with her while she was so focused on her phone, and think, “We used to talk for hours. Now, I feel like I’m with a stranger.”
He wants to cry out about his loneliness, but he doesn’t.
He doesn’t express his thoughts because he is afraid that he might make things become even worse.
4. “I miss being desired.”
I think one of the most important needs of a man in his marriage is to be desired by his wife.
Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex and procreation.
For many men, it is about being desired by their wives.
They want to know that, after several years of marriage, their wives are still attracted to them.
Many husbands long for the day that their wives will look at them with passion, not just as “Dad” or the man she calls when she needs something fixed in the house.
They secretly wish they could tell their wives how much they miss the days when their wives used to flirt with them.
The flirting, teasing, and suggestive looks made them feel wanted and desired.
Now, they feel like they are unattractive to their wives.
This could cause them to have feelings of inadequacy.
And the best way to actually resolve this is to talk about it, but most men in this position don’t because they are secretly afraid that their wives would confirm what they already feel.
5. “Nagging doesn’t motivate me– it only crushes my spirit!”
Recently, I watched a movie featuring a nagging wife, which reinforced my decision to always distance myself from anyone who exhibits this tendency.
Never in the history of nagging has nagging ever inspired a man to do better.
It only makes things worse.
Constant nitpicking can make a man shut down.
Inside, he is pleading and saying, “I am trying my best. Why can’t she just see that?”
Now, don’t get me wrong.
Constructive criticism is a necessary part of relationships.
However, when it starts to appear that you are always criticizing your husband, you may need to take a closer look inward.
Maybe you are the one who has unrealistic expectations of the man.
Except he is an intentionally irresponsible husband, there are times that he would do things worthy of praise.
If you don’t appreciate him, then you are wrong.
If you must exercise your right to criticize your husband, then you must also ensure that you appreciate him when he does well.
A lack of appreciation can make a man unhappy in his marriage.
He may just be doing his duties, but he should be appreciated for doing them.
6. “I wish you would stop trying to micromanage me.”
I have had to be part of teams in my life, and I have come to discover that I thrive better in a team where I am allowed to do my duties without anyone peering over my shoulders all the time.
It is the same thing with many men.
They don’t thrive when their wives micromanage them.
It is very understandable.
I remember one time, a woman complained about how her husband never helped her with the kids.
She had already made the man look pretty bad because everyone was already wondering which kind of deadbeat husband doesn’t help his wife care for his kids.
When we heard the man’s side of the story, we instantly understood why he acted the way he did.
He said nothing he ever did was good enough for her.
She would ask him to help her do something because she was too overwhelmed, but instead of resting, she would stand over his shoulders until he was done.
In fact, he mentioned that most of the time, she ended up doing it herself because, according to her, he wasn’t doing it well.
It was a sore spot for the man.
The truth is that men want to be able to lead without someone breathing down their necks.
They want to be able to do things and make mistakes without their wives calling it “weaponized incompetence”.
He attempts to cook dinner for the family and gets the salt measurement wrong; it shouldn’t be a problem.
It is normal to make mistakes from time to time.
Unhappy husbands sometimes secretly want to say, “If you want me to step up, you have to let me make mistakes without making it look like I committed an abomination.”
He can’t learn if you take over every time.
7. “I am tired of being the bad guy all the time.”
I have seen this in many families.
The kids are free with their mothers but scared of their fathers.
This happens when the father is cast in the role of enforcer of rules in the family.
In school, I had a friend who was very stubborn.
Whenever he did something bad, he was always threatened with his dad’s arrival from work.
His mom would say, “I will report you when your daddy comes home.”
So, he started associating punishment with his father’s arrival.
Whether it’s discipline, finances, or saying “no” to the kids, some husbands feel like they are always cast as the villains.
They badly want to say, “I am tired of being the disciplinarian always while you are the fun one. The kids are quite withdrawn and timid around me.”
8. “I want us to fix this, but I don’t know how.”
Many unhappy husbands are not looking for an easy exit from their marriages.
This is a misconception some people get when they hear a man is unhappy in his marriage.
Sometimes, they are desperate for a resolution.
They want to get back to the times when they enjoyed their marriage.
However, the reason they are silent about how they feel is that they may not know how to bridge the gap.
They are sad that things are not going smoothly in their marriage and are scared that they may do something that could further rock the boat.
So, they stay silent even when, in their heads, they are screaming “I love you, but this isn’t working. Can we figure this out before it is too late? Please!”
The truth is that if unhappy husbands feel safe enough to express their pain in marriage, things could change for the better.
Especially when the couples involved are ready to work together to improve their marriages.
The key isn’t just hearing what they have to say.
You need to listen with empathy and without any appearance of defensiveness.
My advice to the women is to create an environment where their husbands can communicate freely without fearing judgment.
To the men, if you are holding words in, you need to find a way to let them out— constructively, of course.
This is very important because the most successful marriages are the ones where both partners feel heard.