I have seen so many ladies try to change themselves and become someone they are not for their boyfriends.
And while change is the only constant thing in life, there are certain things you are not supposed to change for your boyfriend.
After all, love is about acceptance, growth, and mutual respect.
It is not about losing yourself just to fit into someone else’s expectations of you.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not an attempt to invalidate the role of compromise in a healthy relationship.
While compromise is healthy in relationships, there are certain things you should never change for your boyfriend (or anyone else, for that matter).
Here’s a list of non-negotiables to hold onto, no matter how much you care about your boyfriend…
7 Things You Should Never Change For Your Boyfriend
1. Your core values and beliefs
Growing up, I was raised in a particular way.
I was taught several values and beliefs as I grew up.
Now, I am older and I still hold on to some of those values – not because my parents taught me so, but because I have gotten to understand why I should hold those values.
The truth is our morals, faith, and personal principles define who we truly are.
I don’t think it is possible to see a human being who doesn’t have any of the above.
At least, an individual must have two of those things listed above (morals and personal principles).
These things form the basis of who you are.
I have seen several ladies face pressure from their boyfriends to change their morals, faith, and personal principles.
The pressure may start subtly, but it gradually becomes unbearable.
I have always held the standpoint that while you could change your core values and beliefs after having enlightened conversations and seeing a better way, you can’t and shouldn’t be forced into doing anything like this.
If he pressures you to abandon your values or adopt his without question, that’s a red flag.
Love shouldn’t compulsorily require you to betray what you stand for.
So, if you have core values and beliefs that you have good reasons to hold, you need to hold on to them.
You shouldn’t be bullied into changing your core values, nor should you be coerced into it.
You can decide voluntarily to change your core values, but it has to be because you have found a higher level of belief.
Not because your boyfriend demands it of you.
You can’t keep changing your core values with every boyfriend you have.
Even a chameleon will have issues adapting to such situations.
You need to have a set of core values that you hold for yourself, regardless of who is in your life at any given time.
2. Your personality
Authenticity is key.
It is a totally attractive trait, and in recent times, it has also really become extremely rare to find.
We are in a generation where people intentionally choose to act like someone else because they think that person is better.
Some others don’t do it consciously.
They just find themselves mirroring the mannerisms and behaviors of their favorite celebrities.
The truth is that the personality of an individual is a unique identifier.
The personality of an individual can never be totally bad.
Don’t get me wrong; it is alright to eliminate behaviors and mannerisms that keep you from being a better version of yourself.
However, the key thing to recognize is that even when you improve, you are still yourself.
Just a better version.
I have seen many guys get into relationships with ladies and then try to change their personalities.
One time, a female friend started dating this guy, and at first, she was so happy.
It felt like she had finally met the man of her dreams.
My friend is quite an outgoing person.
She loves to go out, attend parties, dance, laugh, and joke.
Anywhere she goes, she is the life of the party.
Well, her man didn’t like this after some time.
He kept complaining about how easily she talked to people, especially guys.
And this caused a lot of issues.
She was trying to act in line, but seriously, it was stealing her shine.
The change in her was so pronounced that everyone noticed it easily.
When she finally opened up to me, I told her that she had to decide if she was going to let her boyfriend smother all the life she had inside of her.
This made her reach a decision.
She wasn’t going to let anyone dull her sparkle.
The same thing applies to you.
You shouldn’t have to dull your sparkle to make someone comfortable.
If he prefers a quieter, more “agreeable” version of you, or expects you to suppress your humor, passions, or quirks, ask yourself: Does he love me, or just the idea of me?
I know many men won’t like the things I would mention in this article.
But the truth is that you knew her personality when you approached her, and it didn’t deter you.
So, why are you trying to suppress her personality?
The truth is, everyone has their type, and if she is not yours, don’t bother approaching her and then trying to change her.
3. Your dreams and ambitions
I have seen many women give up on their dreams and ambitions for relationships.
It is so sad.
While some women don’t regret making that choice, most harbor some form of regret about what could have been.
I mean, it is hard not to picture the future you could have had if you had not given up on your dreams because of a man.
This is especially true when things don’t go the way you may have envisaged them.
I have seen many women do this in their marriages, and my advice is to avoid it in your relationship.
Never shrink your goals just to fit into your boyfriend’s life.
You are a person, and you need to be able to live a full and satisfying life.
People sometimes make it seem that you can’t be a young lady full of dreams and also enjoy a happy relationship.
Well, they are wrong.
So, dream and work on your goals.
Want to travel the world?
Pursue a demanding career?
Go back to school?
A supportive boyfriend will cheer you on, not hold you back.
If he expects you to just drop your aspirations for his, that’s not love.
He just loves being in control, and you allow him to control you.
To illustrate this, I will tell about something I saw when I was younger.
I used to know a really beautiful lady in my community.
I think at some point, I developed a schoolboy crush on her.
I was younger, so it was hopeless, but nothing was going to stop me from admiring her.
She was studying in a tertiary institution.
Her course was related to “health technology,” and there was so much prospect for her, but she started dating this guy in the area who had zero ambition.
He was one of those guys who would wake up and talk about how they wanted to be rich without being rich.
Well, at some point, his talk became real, and he started moving around with lots of cash.
Rumor had it that it was scam money, but the police had no “evidence” except that he was a jobless guy with a lot of money.
Anyway, she quit school to be with him and ward off other competitors for his attention.
Several years down the line, she has given birth to several children for him and still regrets her life choices whenever they have their frequent loud fights.
What is my point?
Never let anyone make you abandon your dreams and ambitions, especially a boyfriend.
You will regret it, most likely.
4. Your friends and family
One time, I had this close female friend, and then, she got into a relationship with an insecure guy who felt that I was after his girlfriend.
I must say that our friendship was strictly platonic.
There wasn’t even a hint of romance in the relationship, but he just wasn’t settled on the idea of my being friends with his girlfriend.
She spoke to me about it, and I unreservedly told her that he was very insecure, but she had to make a decision.
She had to decide what was more important to her, and ultimately, she chose him.
We still talk occasionally, but we are more like acquaintances now, and she is no longer dating him.
Now, I have seen this same thing happen in several relationships.
A girl gets with an insecure boyfriend who starts isolating her from her friends, especially her male friends.
I know I have maintained that your partner is meant to be your best friend.
This is true.
However, it is not something that can be demanded.
Instead, it has to be earned.
So, if your girlfriend had a male best friend, you don’t just get into the relationship and start telling her to make a choice.
You show her love, and with time, it just happens naturally.
While there is a place for setting boundaries, there shouldn’t be any need for ultimatums.
A loving boyfriend won’t make you choose between him and the people who’ve been there for you.
If he isolates you, criticizes your loved ones, or demands all your time, that’s a warning sign.
You are in a toxic relationship.
And you need to get out of it because toxic relationships only ruin people.
5. Your appearance (unless it’s for you)
When I was a kid, our next-door neighbor was this plus-sized lady.
She was very friendly and beautiful.
She was satisfied with her shape and body size until one day.
She started jogging and skipping so much that it seemed she was getting bigger instead of reducing.
She skipped meals to reduce her weight.
Nothing worked.
At some point, my mom was concerned about her and asked her what was wrong.
Well, it turned out that her boyfriend of several years had suddenly decided that he liked slim girls.
He wanted her to work on reducing her weight, or he was going to end the relationship.
I was a kid, but even then, it sounded really silly to me.
This is one thing you should never change to please your boyfriend.
Changing your hair, style, or body to please him?
Nope.
Your body, your rules.
If he constantly nitpicks your looks or pushes you to dress a certain way, that is not love—it is control disguised as “preference.”
Now, I am not trying to say that your boyfriend has no input on how you dress.
He does, especially if you are going out with him, but he shouldn’t force you into changing anything.
He can discuss it with you, but you make the final decision based on what you determine is good for you.
What I have discovered in life is that any change that is not powered by the need to be a better version of yourself for yourself is not going to be a long-lasting change.
6. Your independence
One time, I had a neighbor who had a boyfriend who was literally living with us.
He had his own apartment, but he never stayed there.
If they were not together, they couldn’t have any fun.
While many thought it was romantic, I knew it wasn’t.
Being overly clingy to each other is not romantic.
You are just being codependent, and that could be a big problem.
If you have a boyfriend, you still need to have your own life.
He is just a boyfriend, not your husband.
Even married couples usually retain some levels of independence.
They have their separate lives, careers, and hobbies.
So, don’t let a boyfriend make you give up your financial freedom, hobbies, or alone time just because he feels threatened by them.
A secure boyfriend will respect your independence instead of resenting it.
When you change and become more dependent on your boyfriend because he doesn’t like your independence, you may just be attaching the puppeteer’s string to yourself with your own hands.
7. Your boundaries
If I had a dollar for every time I have heard that a virgin was pressured into losing her virginity just to prove she loves a boy, I would be a millionaire right now.
Many ladies have changed their boundaries just to accommodate boyfriends who don’t really care about them.
To most of them, it is just a little compromise.
What they don’t understand is that the moment they start compromising on their boundaries, the compromises never stop until they have no boundaries at all.
You should never change your boundaries because of a boyfriend.
If he pressures you into anything—whether it’s physical intimacy, oversharing personal details, or crossing your emotional limits—that’s not okay.
Real love respects “no”.
Ultimately, love shouldn’t require you to totally erase yourself just to please your boyfriend.
The right person will love you as you are, not as they want to mold you to be.
If changing the things listed above is the price of keeping him, he’s not the one.
I think ladies need to learn to wait for the right man instead of trying to be right for every man they meet, even when it means erasing parts of themselves.