A few years ago, I realized a shocking truth.
Many cheaters don’t know when cheating starts.
Usually, they think cheating starts with secret affairs, late-night rendezvous, and sneaky calls and messages.
Well, it is not exactly what you think.
Cheating rarely starts with a sudden, dramatic betrayal.
Instead, it begins in small, seemingly harmless ways.
Just those occasional moments of emotional carelessness, overlooked boundaries, and flimsy justifications.
Those moments are the starting point of cheating.
They may seem so innocuous that even the cheater really doesn’t recognize what is happening until they are deep in it.
Just for clarification: If you think this post will give you enough basis to tell your partner that cheating on them was a mistake, you need to have a rethink.
Cheating is not a mistake.
Not even when it’s an emotional affair, and you didn’t realize it until it was too late.
The reason for this is that on some subconscious level, cheaters always know when they are crossing the line.
They just wave it aside.
However, if you are ready to be intentional with your relationships, come along with me as we explore the various innocuous ways cheating starts.
5 Ways Cheating Starts: It’s Not What You Think
1. The “innocent” friendship that crosses lines
Most of the time, cheating starts from this.
You have an innocent friendship with a colleague, a gym buddy, or an old flame.
It is just an innocent friendship.
At least, it starts that way, but soon you are beginning to cross certain lines you swore you would never cross.
At first, the conversations are harmless.
Just friendly banter, jokes, shared interests, and casual compliments.
The usual kind of gist in most friendships.
But over time, emotional intimacy grows.
If you interact frequently with someone, it is just normal for some sort of bond to grow between the both of you.
It is nothing to be worried about, right?
However, in this case, it gets even deeper.
You start sharing very deep stuff with them, even things you don’t tell your partner.
Gradually, that friend is replacing your partner as your confidant, and this is the point at which you are expected to jerk awake.
Sharing things you don’t share with your partner with your friend is a terrible mistake.
However, some people are aware of this and still make excuses about it.
“He is like a brother to me. I can talk to him about anything.”
No one is saying he isn’t like a brother to you, but talking to him to the point that you tell him things your husband doesn’t even know is the problem.
You start looking forward to that friend’s messages a little too eagerly.
These are all warning signs that many people overlook in the buildup towards cheating on their partners.
In fact, at this point, it is already beginning to be an emotional affair.
Cheating is not just a genital meet and greet; it could be emotional as well, and when you start getting attached to a friend in ways you shouldn’t, it is a sign of an emotional affair.
But you can end things before it gets any worse.
You can have friends, but there are some lines you should never cross with them.
Never tell them what you can’t tell your partner.
If you have conversations with a friend that you can’t risk your partner seeing, it is a sign that you need to watch yourself.
2. Comparing your partner to another person
No relationship is perfect.
This is the absolute truth that many don’t know.
Even the successful relationships are not perfect.
They go through highs and lows, too.
What separates them from others is the way the partners enjoy the highs and endure the lows while working together to ensure that the low periods are quite a few and very far in between.
Ideally, you will have the best relationship with your partner if you resist the urge to compare.
The best way to do it is by focusing on what your partner gives you instead of what they don’t.
It is easy to say in theory, but it can be challenging in reality, and this is one of the ways cheating begins.
You start focusing on what your partner isn’t giving you.
Maybe a friend or coworker listens to you better, makes you laugh more, or just seems more ambitious than your partner.
Then you start the comparison game.
Later, it develops into wishing your partner were more like that friend or coworker.
“I wish my husband were as attentive as Jack.”
“I wish my wife could dress as fashionably as Kate.”
You start idealizing that person, and it feels like they are your soulmate.
Soon, you start fantasizing about what it would feel like if you were in a relationship with them.
That’s a trap.
The moment you fall into that trap, cheating is just a hair’s breadth away because you are already starting to toy with the idea.
Romanticizing about “what if” scenarios can deprive you of the joy of your relationship.
It can lead to dissatisfaction, and this dissatisfaction can lead you to seek validation elsewhere.
Just like always, it starts with the little thoughts.
3. Lack of appreciation
Several years ago, I learned the mechanism of several of our bodily functions in pharmacy school.
It was really fun, like being allowed to see the behind-the-scenes action of your favorite movie.
This article reminds me of those days because we are actually looking into the mechanism of cheating.
How does it happen?
What brings about the first thought of cheating?
When people start approaching cheating from this angle, maybe more people will actively recognize the signs and nip things in the bud before it becomes a problem.
A sign that something is totally wrong in your relationship is the fact that you no longer appreciate your partner.
In fact, it feels like they can’t do anything good for you.
It’s a problem.
I know some people have deadbeat partners, but we can’t all have deadbeat partners.
So, if you realize that you have not been appreciating your partner often, you need to critically examine yourself and your relationship.
When gratitude fades in relationships, resentment creeps in.
You stop putting in effort, stop prioritizing your partner, and start withdrawing from them.
That emotional distance you feel?
It can’t be left empty.
It creates space for someone else to come in.
You feel like they are filling the void left by your partner, but sometimes, you could actually be the creator of the void.
Don’t get me wrong, lack of appreciation doesn’t exactly cause cheating.
It just makes the relationship vulnerable to outside temptations.
One time, a friend told me he cheated on his girlfriend with another girl.
He mentioned that the other girl seduced him, but further discussion revealed that he no longer appreciated his girlfriend.
He resented her.
And I told him point-blank that it wasn’t her seduction that made him cheat.
It was the resentment he was harboring towards her.
He was no longer seeing anything that she was doing right.
That was the problem.
Couples should ensure that they don’t leave space for resentment.
Resentment destroys a relationship.
4. The “just venting” excuse
When you go through a particularly triggering experience, you usually need to vent, right?
I know this because there are situations I also need to vent, and I have also had to listen while people vent.
Venting to someone creates a deep connection between the both of you.
It is basically you being vulnerable with the person.
People sometimes make the mistake of being too vulnerable with someone other than their partners, and that could be the start of infidelity.
You’re frustrated with your partner and need somewhere to vent and release pent-up emotions.
So, you complain about your partner to a sympathetic friend who happens to be attracted to you.
In my experience, this happens more with females.
They intentionally choose a guy who has feelings for them because, on some levels, he won’t be honest with them.
He will sympathize with them and blame their man for whatever that is happening, even when their involvement is quite visible for everyone to see.
Anyway, it happens to both genders.
This sympathetic friend agrees with you, comforts you, and subtly positions themselves as a better option.
Soon, you start thinking it in your head, too.
Some affairs start from situations like this.
Am I saying that it is bad to confide in friends?
No, it’s not.
You need to have a good support system in marriage, but you should ensure that they are people you can trust.
Telling a friend who has ulterior motives about your relationship problems could set you up for trouble.
One time, a friend I liked was always complaining to me about her relationship with her boyfriend.
I was trying to be there for her, even when she had rejected me before she started dating the other guy.
But at some point, I had to start questioning my objectivity.
I told her to stop sharing details about her relationship with me.
I didn’t want to be privy to their fights anymore.
That helped my conscience.
Well, not every friend will do this.
Some “friends” are waiting for the slightest opportunity to have a romantic relationship and will manipulate you into it if you keep on “venting” to them.
5. Social media
One time, I had a girl on my contact list who would post all sorts of “I am single” memes on her WhatsApp status.
The crazy thing about it is that she was in a relationship all that time, and I knew her boyfriend.
The guy would always laugh at it and say she was just “messing around”.
Later on, he found out that she was actively telling other guys she was single while she was involved with him and two others.
Social media may seem like a world of its own, but its boundaries often overlap.
Certain actions can set you up for cheating if you are not really careful.
Liking an ex’s post.
Flirty comments under every thirst trap picture on Instagram.
Sliding into DMs with risky texts (just for fun).
Late-night chats with “just another follower”.
Social media interactions may seem low-risk, but they can still create emotional connections.
Sometimes, without you realizing it.
Suddenly, you’re sharing pictures that you wouldn’t want your pastor to see and discussing things you wouldn’t want your partner to read.
It’s a trap.
It may feel like you’re just having fun at first, but any fun you have to hide from your partner is inappropriate.
Gradually, you move from social media conversations to physical meetups.
Even if it never gets physical, emotional affairs are still cheating!
The biggest myth about infidelity is that it’s always a conscious, malicious decision.
More often, it is actually the result of a series of small decisions.
Cheating usually starts when you start making one small compromise after the other.
You make one small compromise.
Then, you cover it up with a small lie.
You just keep on shifting your boundaries until you have no boundaries.
The solution to this is being aware of your actions and choices.
Be intentional about your relationship.
Embrace honesty.
Be conscious of your thoughts because cheating doesn’t start with a kiss.
It starts with a thought.