My friend and I spoke recently about the dynamics of actions and intentions.
You know that thing where action and motive don’t always match?
You might do something with the best intentions, but the other person (the object of your action) might see it differently.
Conversely, it could be that you are doing something ignorantly, not knowing it is hurting the other person.
It is either because it is a flaw that you have not done some introspection on or you don’t see the issue.
Whatever the case, when you love your husband, you will not want to hurt him, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
So, it’s safe to say you will want to know if you are unknowingly hurting him.
If this is you, keep reading.
8 Ways You’re Unknowingly Hurting Your Husband
1. Nagging
There is this thing we often do as women where we smother men because we feel like we know better.
I apologize if it seems like I am not coming for women, but we still need to be honest.
I understand that sometimes we may indeed know more than our husbands, especially when it comes to housekeeping and domestic care.
But still, nobody enjoys feeling like they’re constantly under fire, and your husband is no different.
If every conversation turns into a lecture about what he isn’t doing right, he might start tuning you out — or worse, feeling like he can never please you.
Your husband doesn’t want to feel like he is your child.
He doesn’t want another mother, so constantly trying to police, micromanage, and correct him will do more harm than good.
I get it — you want to help him get it right, but trust him to learn from his mistakes sometimes, especially when it is not a matter of life and death.
Also, instead of nagging him to do something, try a different approach: appreciate him first, then gently make your request.
A simple “Hey, I really appreciate when you help with XYZ. Could you also handle this for me?” goes a long way.
Trust me when I say it works better than nagging.
2. Comparing Him To Others
Comparing your husband to another man will crush his spirit.
As someone who was compared to a cousin when I was younger because she just seemed to do better than me, even though we were both A students, I can tell you from experience that it is the worst thing ever.
I get that you think it will spur him to action or make him see an example to follow, but it does quite the opposite – make him defensive.
And you could potentially lose him.
So, don’t compare your man to anybody — be it your friend’s husband, a celebrity, or even your father.
He is none of those people, so you shouldn’t make him feel like he is not enough.
More importantly, he wants to be your number one, not second place in some imaginary competition.
Instead of wishing he was like someone else, focus on the things he does well.
Compliment and encourage him in those areas, and he will be inspired to do better in the areas where he is failing.
3. Living Outside Your Means
If you’re spending money like you’re married to a billionaire while your bank account says otherwise, you are very likely stressing your husband out more than you realize.
Financial strain is one of the biggest sources of marriage tension, and if he is made to feel like he has to catch up to the billionaires on Forbes’ list, he might start resenting you.
You need to understand your and your man’s capabilities and learn to limit your taste based on what you can afford.
This might offend some people, but it needs to be said that social media is one of the biggest proponents of discontentment in people.
People see a lifestyle on social media and are pressured to live it even when they can’t afford it.
That attitude will cause a serious strain in your marriage because you will transfer that stress to your man.
Trust me, if he is a good man, he is already under some pressure to ensure the family’s well-being.
The least you can do is not add to it.
Instead of spending recklessly, try accepting your reality and budget.
Then, work with him as a team to build financial security.
Some people may not agree, but financial peace is way sexier than designer bags and expensive outings.
4. Taking Him For Granted
Even the best of us sometimes fall into this trap where we get comfortable and begin to take for granted who we should adore.
I understand it because when someone is always there, it is easy to get complacent and stop appreciating their presence.
But nobody likes to be at the end of it, so we also need to be aware of it.
Do you treat your husband like background noise or honor his presence?
If you are doing the former, it is time to seek redress.
So, if he’s always doing things for you, don’t let it go unnoticed.
A simple “thank you,” a random hug, or a heartfelt compliment can make a world of difference.
It shows him that you see him and value what he does.
Appreciation is very powerful; the more you show appreciation, the more he’ll feel loved and want to keep showing up for you.
5. Being A Loosed Mouth
Another way a woman can unknowingly hurt her husband is when she has no secret.
If you’re quick to spill your marital issues to your friends, family, or — worse — social media, you’re destroying your husband’s trust.
Your husband doesn’t want to feel like his flaws and private moments are being aired for public consumption.
He wants to be able to tell you something and know it will remain between the both of you.
He wants to know that private issues will remain private.
Don’t get me wrong; venting is okay, but you need to be mindful of what you share and with whom.
Instead of running to outsiders all the time, try addressing issues directly with him first.
Respecting his privacy will make him trust you completely.
If a man feels safe with a woman, he’ll open up more to her and trust her completely.
So, respect his privacy and let his heart doth safely trust in you.
Of course, all bets are off if he is abusing you; this is under the assumption that you are with a good man.
6. Not Prioritizing Him
Life gets busy, yes.
Between work, kids, family obligations, and social events, there is just so much to do.
Besides all these, even with children alone, a woman’s day is usually packed.
So, being busy is valid.
Still, if your husband always comes last on your list, he’ll start to feel like he doesn’t matter.
Marriage thrives on intentional connection, and that means making time for him, even when life is hectic.
I know you are busy, but try to make time for quick check-ins during the day, planned or spontaneous date nights, or just cuddling on the couch.
All these little moments add up.
When he feels prioritized, he’ll be happier, more present, and more invested in the relationship.
7. Silent Treatment When Angry
Giving your husband the cold shoulder when you are angry may feel like a power move, but it does more harm than good.
Instead of making him understand your feelings, it just frustrates him because he’s left guessing what’s wrong with you.
Don’t put your husband through that; it is not even healthy for you.
Here, you are bottling up emotions that could be resolved with a simple conversation.
If something is bothering you, express how you feel, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Stop punishing your husband with withdrawal; work through issues together.
8. Withholding Intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy is huge in marriage, especially for men because they are physical beings.
So when you start withholding affection — kisses, hugs, or sex — it creates an emotional gap I know you don’t want.
If you’re upset, address it directly instead of using intimacy as a bargaining chip.
Remember that physical intimacy increases your closeness and love besides the physical connection.
When you shut him out, he may feel rejected and unworthy.
Your husband needs to feel wanted and desired – just like you – for your marriage to thrive.