My boy is four years old and as young as he is, I imagine myself vetting whoever he brings home to meet me as his partner.
Of course, I’m not unreasonable; I know my son will have to love another woman and make a life with her.
I wish that for him, too, and I desire to have a daughter-in-law that I can love and cherish as my daughter.
So, I can imagine the pain of a mother whose daughter-in-law turns her son against her.
It’s a heartbreaking situation that can leave you feeling lost and alone.
What if your son’s partner turns him against you?
It may seem like a distant possibility, but it happens more often than we’d like to admit.
As parents, we have raised our children with love and care, and we always hope that they will continue to treat us with the same love and respect as they grow up.
However, sometimes things don’t go as planned,
It’s not unusual for in-laws to have strained relationships, and often, it can feel like you’re competing for your son’s attention.
But when that strain turns into your daughter-in-law actively turning your son against you, now that’s devastating!
What do you do when your daughter-in-law turns your son against you?
When Your Daughter-in-Law Turns Your Son Against You
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
What else is expected when someone you love and care for turns against you?
It’s natural to feel hurt, sad, angry, or even betrayed.
You may also experience feelings of guilt or self-doubt, wondering if you did something wrong.
So, it’s okay to accept that your feelings are completely natural.
Disappointment, confusion, and even a sense of betrayal are emotions that many in your shoes would feel.
Feel them all.
Don’t be ashamed of your feelings.
It’s okay to grieve the relationship you once had with your son, as well as the one you hoped to have with your daughter-in-law.
Cry if you need to.
Don’t try to bury or ignore your emotions because they will only fester and make things worse.
So, feel them.
You’re only human.
2. Try To Understand Why This Happened
You know the principle of cause and effect?
It’s valid, even in relationships.
After feeling all your emotions, try and understand why your daughter-in-law is turning your son against you.
Is it something you did or said that offended her?
Or is she insecure about the relationship between you and your son?
Heck, maybe your son is even at fault.
Could it be he told her some things about you that weren’t true?
I know you’d want to think your son is perfect, but he’s human and makes mistakes, too.
If necessary, you might need to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law separately to understand why this happened.
Ask them open-ended questions and really listen to their answers.
You can even cast your net wider by asking your close friends, your other children, or relatives for insight.
Just remember to keep an open mind and try not to get defensive.
3. Communicate With Your Son And Daughter-In-Law
Communication is key in any relationship; we say this all the time.
It’s important to express your feelings and concerns about the situation to your son and daughter-in-law.
Instead of stewing in silence or lashing out in anger, get them to talk with you.
You need to know what’s going on in their heads.
You might be shocked to find out that they are feeling just as frustrated and overwhelmed as you are.
Or, they might have a completely different perspective that could help bridge the gap between you.
Choose a calm and respectful tone when talking to them, even if you feel hurt or angry.
Avoid accusatory language and instead focus on using “I” statements to express how their actions have affected you.
It may not resolve everything immediately, but it’s a step towards understanding each other better.
4. Don’t Bad-Mouth Your Son’s Wife
I know you are not happy with your daughter-in-law, and you have every right to feel that way.
But constantly bad-mouthing her will only distance your son from you, and you don’t want that.
Remember, she is the person your son loves and has chosen to spend his life with.
As much as you might not agree with her actions or decisions, she’s the love of his life, and there’s nothing you can do about that.
So, by showing acceptance and kindness towards her, you are also showing love for your son.
You want your son to be happy, and as long as he is happy with her, that’s all that matters.
Instead of criticizing or belittling her to her husband and other family members, try to find common ground and build a positive relationship with her.
You never know; she might turn out to be one of your closest confidantes.
5. Remember Your Boundaries
We always emphasize on this blog the need to maintain healthy boundaries in any relationship, including with your daughter-in-law.
Respect their privacy and avoid prying into their personal lives or offering unsolicited advice.
Unless they specifically ask for your help or opinion, it’s best to stay out of their marital affairs.
It’s bad enough that you don’t have a good relationship with them, but it’s even worse if you try to interfere and cause further tension.
6. Focus on the Positive
Instead of dwelling on your differences or past conflicts, try to find common ground and focus on your daughter-in-law’s positive aspects.
Maybe she has a great sense of humor or is an amazing cook.
Find something that you can bond over and build a positive relationship from there.
No matter how horrible a person is, there’ll be at least one good quality that you can appreciate.
And I even think the fact that your son chose her means she must have some great qualities that you just haven’t had the chance to see yet.
Remember, your son loves her and sees something special in her.
So, respect his choice and try to see the good in her as well.
Focusing on the positive will enable you to see your daughter-in-law in a different light and work towards building a better relationship with her.
7. Be Respectful
No matter how frustrating or difficult your daughter-in-law may be, be respectful towards her.
Avoid any negative or hurtful comments, even if they are said in jest.
You might not like her, but you have to respect her.
She is part of your family now and deserves the same respect and consideration as anyone else.
Treat her with kindness and understanding; she will likely do the same in return.
I hope things will improve and that you can develop a positive relationship with your daughter-in-law and your son.