I remember having this conversation with a male friend a long time ago.
I explained many reasons why a woman might not feel comfortable initiating physical intimacy.
On the other hand, he felt all the reasons were null and void if she were married.
I remember him saying, “Why would a woman feel ashamed to tell her husband she wants him? He will appreciate her more for it.”
While I didn’t argue that fact, I was coming more from the point of conditioning than how her husband would see it.
Needless to say, we both left that conversation dissatisfied and simply agreed to disagree because we couldn’t reach a consensus.
I wasn’t exactly young when we discussed it, so it wasn’t like age contributed to why we didn’t agree.
However, I see some of his points now.
The reason I see them now is not because I agree with him completely but because I can understand his frustration.
Many of us erroneously see men as people without feelings – sometimes it is due to their own toxic masculinity – but we must remember that men are also humans.
Therefore, a man also wants to feel desired by his wife the same way a woman does.
This means men also struggle with the feeling of rejection, hence why my friend was frustrated with me.
If you are a man and in his shoes, wondering why your woman is not initiating physical intimacy as much as you are, I am here to help you.
The first thing you need to understand is that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love or desire you; it could be caused by a whole lot of other issues, which this article addresses.
Let’s take a look at them.
Why Women Often Initiate Physical Intimacy Less
1. Societal Conditioning And Cultural Norms
One major reason women hardly initiate sex is because of societal conditioning.
Society has long painted men as the initiators and women as passive participants in sexual relationships.
Although this mindset is gradually becoming outdated, many women still feel it’s not their place to take the lead.
If you were raised in an environment where sexual discussions were taboo and women were expected to be modest at all times, it’s impossible not to relate to physical intimacy from those lenses.
Over time, these ingrained beliefs can make initiating sex feel unnatural or even wrong.
Women may hesitate to challenge this stereotype because they fear they will be perceived as overly aggressive or desperate.
And, not to sound like that, but we have seen men who have bought into this societal error misjudge their wives as immodest for initiating sex.
This brings me to the next point.
2. Fear Of Being Judged Or Misunderstood
One of the biggest hurdles for women initiating sex is the fear of being judged or seen as immodest.
Many women may worry that their partner might think less of them or misinterpret their advances as being overly eager or promiscuous.
They are afraid the man would wonder why they are boldly asking for it; could it be because she is overly sexual?
So, for women, it is safer to avoid initiating sex so as not to be misjudged for expressing their desires.
Like my friend, you may wonder why the worry lingers even within loving relationships.
Well, the simple reason is that old habits die hard.
It will take a lot of reassurance and positive affirmation for the woman to feel safe enough to initiate it.
3. Lack Of Confidence In Their Sexual Appeal
Self-doubt about their physical appearance or sexual attractiveness can hold some women back from initiating intimacy.
Again, society judges women on their physical looks and men on their pockets, so since forever, women have been mostly insecure about their bodies and men about success.
This is why it is not uncommon to find a woman wondering if her partner still finds her sexy and if she won’t be rejected.
There are so many unrealistic beauty standards being peddled around by the media that increases this insecurity.
When you see celebrities snapping back two weeks after pregnancy, it is possible to feel like a failure when you are still struggling with a mommy pouch and excess fat six months later.
This worry can make a woman feel unsure about her appeal, which can make her doubt her ability to take the lead in the bedroom.
4. Feelings Of Rejection From Previous Attempts
Rejection stings, even in a committed relationship.
If a woman has initiated intimacy before and her partner wasn’t responsive, she may never try again.
Some people may argue that men have been facing rejection from women, and it hasn’t deterred them from trying again.
That’s true, but it is different for women.
It may sound like double standards, but men have the luxury of not being misjudged for initiating sex and romance consistently.
Women are, however, judged heavily for it.
In fact, in some corners of the world, women are judged for wooing a man, so imagine how much boldness it takes to initiate intimacy.
That is why if she tries and is rejected, it weighs heavier.
5. Mismatched Libidos With Their Partner
Now, I am not one to say women have a lower libido than men because I know that’s not true.
What’s more accurate is women have had to learn self-control so as not to be mislabeled.
Libido is not a function of gender but individuals.
So, yes, in some relationships, the man might have a higher sex drive; therefore, he is likely to initiate it more.
Unfortunately, even when the woman has the higher one, she might still hesitate to initiate so as not to be seen as needy or demanding.
6. Stress And Mental Exhaustion
Another reason is when a woman is exhausted and stressed.
Life can get overwhelming for everybody.
However, in many homes, women still have to deal with the bulk of home care even when they are still contributing financially.
So, it is not surprising that she is mentally and physically drained with all these on her shoulders.
Let’s be honest: when you are stressed, the last thing on your mind is initiating sex.
Emotional exhaustion often reduces libido, making intimacy feel like another task on an already long to-do list.
So, a man who wants his woman to be more interested in sex should seek ways to help her ease her daily burdens.
7. Unresolved Emotional Or Relationship Issues
I once attended a marriage seminar where the counselor told us a story of a couple he counseled.
He mentioned that the husband complained about their epileptic sex life, and at first, the woman was talking about exhaustion as to why she couldn’t give him what he wanted.
He thought it was resolved and told the man to help more with household chores.
Well, just two weeks later, they were back, and the man complained that he had been doing his part, but things hadn’t improved.
This time, he decided to dig deeper and discovered there were unresolved issues that made the woman resentful, making her lose interest in sex.
What I am saying with this is that it’s hard to feel sexually open when emotional baggage is weighing you down.
If there are unresolved arguments, a lack of trust, feelings of disconnection, or emotional strain, they will prevent the woman from being receptive to sex.
Women must feel emotionally secure and understood to fully engage in their relationships.
So, when emotional needs are unmet, initiating sex might feel unnatural or forced.
8. They don’t Enjoy It
It is just how we like to assume that every woman enjoys sex…
Yes, sex is enjoyable, but that is not everyone’s experience.
Sorry to burst your bubble; some women almost never or rarely initiate sex because they only endure it, and it is not an enjoyable act for them.
Just as you wouldn’t joyfully gravitate towards something that causes you so much pain, a woman may refrain from initiating sex to save herself from the pain.
I have read stories online of women who, after years of marriage, struggle with sex and avoid the act as much as possible because their husbands’ sex instrument is massive, and every intercourse encounter leaves them in pain.
Some even struggle with vaginal dryness, and I even know of someone who reacts to sperm, also called seminal plasma hypersensitivity.
Even though there are ways around these challenges, there has to be effective communication to understand the peculiar issue your wife is facing, but this may be why she initiates sex less.
9. Misinformation About About Female Sexuality
In many cultures, female sexuality is laced with so much misinformation because it is seen as a shameful discussion.
Women who haven’t had open conversations about sex or received proper education about their desires may feel unsure about initiating intimacy.
Their lack of knowledge can make them confused about how to express their needs.
So, they will likely not initiate because they don’t know what to do in the first place.