I wrote 7 things men want in bed but are too shy to say, and it’s been one of our top posts.
It’s only fair that I write for the women too.
As a woman, I’m excited to write this because I know I’ll echo every woman’s thoughts and help you feel validated.
6 Things Women Want in Bed But Are Too Shy To Say
1. We Want You to Take Your Time
Of course, life is busy, and even busier when you have kids.
Sometimes you’ll be lucky to even get a quickie, let alone a full romantic evening with candles and music.
But then there are times when you have the house to yourselves, the kids are at grandma’s, or you’ve finally got a free Saturday morning, and we hope you’ll slow down and savor the moment with us.
Instead, you’re still operating in quickie mode, like someone’s about to knock on the door.
When you have the luxury of time, we want you to use it.
We want you to explore, to take your time with every part of us, to act like you have all day to appreciate what’s happening.
I don’t just mean longer foreplay, though that’s part of it.
I mean the whole experience moving at a pace that lets us both be fully present instead of rushing toward the finish line.
When you take your time, it tells us you want to enjoy being with us, not just get it done.
It makes us feel like we’re worth slowing down for in this busy world.
When we feel you savoring the experience with us, we get more into it too.
We stop thinking about our to-do lists and start focusing on what’s happening between us.
So when you have the gift of time and privacy, don’t waste it by treating physical intimacy like you’re still on a ten-minute timer.
Use those moments to reconnect with your wife, rediscover her body, and remember why you fell in love with her in the first place.
The best intimacy happens in those unhurried moments, when you both feel permission to be present with each other without watching the clock.
2. We Want More Foreplay, And We Want It to Be Creative
Yes, we know you know about foreplay, but how creative are you?
Most men think foreplay is just a few minutes of the same routine touches before moving on to the main event.
Kiss, touch here, touch there, okay, ready? Let’s go.
But that’s not foreplay.
That’s a warm-up, and we need more than a warm-up.
We need time and variety.
We need you to enjoy building anticipation instead of treating it like a mandatory checkpoint you have to pass before the real thing starts.
We want creative foreplay that surprises us and doesn’t follow the same script every time.
We want you to explore, try different things, pay attention to what makes us respond, and do more of that.
And we want it to last longer than five minutes because women’s bodies don’t work like men’s.
We don’t go from zero to ready in seconds.
We need time to get out of our heads and into our bodies and time to want what’s about to happen.
3. We Want to Try New Things
Men are not the only ones who want variety and adventure in the bedroom.
Women want to try new things too.
We get curious, we have fantasies, we see or read things that make us think, “I wonder what that would be like.”
But we don’t always say it because we’re scared you’ll think we’re weird.
Scared you’ll judge us and make us feel embarrassed for wanting something different.
You might even question where we got the idea from.
So we keep our curiosity to ourselves and stick to the same routine.
But know that we want to step outside the usual script and discover new ways to experience pleasure with our husbands.
4. We Want Aftercare That Makes Us Feel Cherished
What happens after matters just as much as what happens during.
But most men don’t know this, or they know but don’t care.
You finish, roll over, and within minutes you’re asleep, on your phone, or up and moving to the next thing.
And we’re lying there feeling used, like what just happened was about your release, not about us connecting.
For us women, intimacy doesn’t end when the physical act ends.
We need those moments after to feel close to you and cherished, not just satisfied.
We want you to hold us, talk to us, stay present with us, and not jump up immediately like you just completed a task and now you can move on.
5. We Want You to Tell Us How Much You Want Us
Just like my husband, most men think, “If I don’t want you, I wouldn’t have married you or be touching you right now.”
And logically, that makes sense.
But women need to hear it.
We need the words.
We need you to tell us you want us, that you desire us, and you’re attracted to us.
Not just once when you proposed or on our wedding day, but regularly, and in the moment.
Because we live in a world that constantly tells us we’re not enough.
We’re not young enough, thin enough, attractive enough, or desirable enough.
Even when we’re confident women, and we know better, we still have moments of doubt.
Moments when we wonder if you still find us attractive or still desire us the way you used to, especially after kids, weight changes, years of marriage, and after life has changed our bodies in ways we can’t control.
Your silence doesn’t reassure us.
Your actions alone don’t either.
We need the words.
“I want you.”
“You’re so beautiful.”
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“You turn me on.”
Simple words, yeah, but they matter.
They make us feel desired, not just tolerated.
6. We Want You to Be Present
We know you have a million things on your mind.
Work stress, bills, project deadlines, many things you need to fix….
Life is demanding; we know.
Your brain doesn’t just turn off because it’s time for intimacy.
But when we’re being intimate with you, and we can tell your mind is somewhere else, we can feel it.
We know you’re going through the motions, but you’re not there with us.
You’re touching us but thinking about something else entirely, and it makes us feel like we’re not enough to hold your attention.
Even in this moment that’s supposed to be about us connecting, you’d rather be thinking about anything else.
We don’t need you to be perfect; we don’t need you to never have stress or worries, but we need you to be present.
Sex is beyond physical; it’s emotional and mental.
It’s two people being fully present with each other.
Why Do Women Find It Difficult to Tell Their Partners What They Want in Bed?
You would think that if you’re comfortable enough to get naked with someone, you should be comfortable telling them what you want in bed.
I wish!
Even women married for years sometimes struggle to tell their husbands what they enjoy or what they’d like them to do differently.
And there are several reasons for this.
For one, many women were raised to believe that good girls shouldn’t talk about sex.
We were taught to be modest, reserved, and not too interested in anything sexual.
So, even when we become adults and get married, some of us still carry that mindset into the bedroom.
You want something, but you feel embarrassed to ask because a little voice in your head tells you a decent woman shouldn’t say those things.
Then there’s the fear of being judged.
Imagine telling your husband you’d like to try something new, and instead of being excited or curious, he asks, “Where did you learn that one?”
Do I need to submit a certificate of origin for my desires? 😂
Some women would rather stay quiet than risk their husbands questioning their morals or making them feel ashamed.
Another reason is the fear of hurting their husband’s ego.
Let’s be honest, some men don’t take feedback about their bedroom performance very well.
You tell him you’d prefer he did something differently, and he thinks you’re saying he’s terrible in bed.
Before you know it, what was supposed to be a simple conversation has become an argument.
So, to avoid unnecessary drama, you stay quiet and manage whatever you get.
And sometimes, we expect our husbands to just know.
We assume that because they’ve been with us for years, they should understand our bodies and preferences without us having to explain everything.
Husbands are not mind readers, ladies.
What worked five years ago might not be what you enjoy today.
Our bodies change, our preferences change, and even our moods affect what we want.
There’s also the fear of rejection.
Nobody enjoys making themselves vulnerable only to be laughed at or dismissed.
And telling someone what you want sexually is you being vulnerable; it doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for forty years.
No matter your reason, communicating your needs to the person you’re sharing your body and life with isn’t shameful.
Your husband may truly want to please you but have no idea what you enjoy because you’ve never told him.
And if you want a more satisfying intimate relationship, you both need to create an environment where you can talk openly without embarrassment or fear.
If you can discuss school fees, bills, family problems, and what to cook for dinner, you can surely learn to talk about what makes physical intimacy enjoyable for both of you.
How to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed Without Feeling Awkward
Like I already said, there’s nothing wrong with telling your husband what you want in bed.
He’s your husband, for crying out loud!
If there’s anyone you should feel comfortable discussing your sexual needs with, it should be him.
But I also understand that just because you know you should be comfortable talking about something doesn’t automatically make the conversation easy.
Especially if you’ve never been the type to talk openly about physical intimacy.
So, how do you go about it?
For starters, you don’t have to wait until you’re in bed to talk.
Sometimes, it’s easier to talk about intimacy when you’re both relaxed, perhaps while cuddling on the couch or having a private conversation.
You could say something like, “Babe, you know what I’d really love us to try sometime?”
Another thing is to focus on what you’d like rather than what he’s doing wrong.
There’s a difference between saying, “You never take your time with me,” and “I really love it when we take things slowly. Can we do that more often?”
Both statements communicate a similar desire, but one is more likely to make your husband defensive.
And of course, communication goes both ways.
Ask him what he enjoys too.
You might even discover things he’s been wanting to tell you but hasn’t known how to bring up.
So, make room for laughter as you talk.
You don’t have to make it sound like a performance appraisal.
You’re two people who love each other and want to enjoy that part of your marriage.
And remember, expressing a desire doesn’t mean your spouse is obligated to agree to everything.
Both of you should feel comfortable saying yes, no, or suggesting something different.
The point isn’t to get your husband to do everything exactly the way you want, but to build a marriage where neither of you feels embarrassed to say what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’d love to experience together.
If you agree with what you just read, share it with your husband because I’m definitely sharing it with mine.
Not only that, I’ll share it with every woman in my circle so they can read it and share it with their men too. ❤️
What can I do when we’ve been going at it for 20-30 minutes and straight out of left field SHE sez something about the electric bill or something completely off the immediate action taking place and it interrupts the entire mood, feelings, subject at hand whatever point we are at?
I’ve asked her why are you bringing that up. Her response, I dunno.
All good
@Alouri Michael,
Women’s brains are wired completely different from our own (men). They are constantly thinking of everything and anything at the same time. They are by definition “Multi-tasking”. We are not. We can only think of one thing at-a-time, but we think more deeply. It is out of her control to think of things completely “un-romantic” at any time, even in the middle of making love. I have lost erection soooo many times over my wife coming up with things like you said, but at the same time I can’t take it as “lake of love” or “lake of interest”. It is what it is.
Women!!!
Search for “two brains” on youtube, and watch 4 amazingly educational videos summarizing a weekend seminar for married couples. It covers all king of subjects regarding the difference between men’s & women’s brain and how they work. You will get a huge kick and lots of laughing and discover how true it all is.
You might even watch them with your girl. It’s fun for any couple.
It would be nice if MY WIFE did any of these things – Try Something NEW?? OMG The old vanilla is fine and dont even think of NEW.
Be present? A pipe dream!