Choosing the right partner is important and never as this fact seemed so real to me as now.
As an unmarried young man living in a religious community, I regularly have people praying for me on the subject of choosing a life partner.
These prayers come in exotic variations, but the general gist of the prayers is that I get divine guidance to locate the right partner for me.
I appreciate the prayers, but the truth is that we have a major role to play in attracting and choosing the right kind of partners.
For a man in this generation, when it seems like the Internet is just full of people sharing their terrible encounters in the dating pool, it could feel like an impossible task that only a divine miracle can resolve.
Stay with me if you feel this way; things will get clearer as you read further.
If you feel like you’re stuck in a dating loop where the same type of woman keeps showing up—only to leave you frustrated, disappointed, or worse, heartbroken–this article is meant for you.
If every relationship feels like déjà vu, it’s time to ask: Why do I keep attracting the wrong women?
The truth is that you might be the common denominator.
A few terrible relationships can be explained away, but when it has become a behavioral pattern to attract the wrong kind of women, you need to start looking for a solution much closer to home.
This is even an attempt to blame you for anything.
So don’t get defensive.
The women you attract are often a reflection of your mindset, energy, and even your unresolved baggage.
Here are some reasons you keep drawing the wrong partners—and how to break the cycle.
6 Reasons You Keep Attracting The Wrong Women
1. You don’t know what you really want
In my teenage years, most of my age mates already had girlfriends.
Some even had a couple of exes, but I had never even had a relationship at that time.
At some point, it started feeling like I was scared of rejection or perhaps not into girls.
However, the truth is that I was into girls.
I wasn’t scared of rejection because approaching females wasn’t a problem.
My major problem was that I felt like I didn’t know myself yet.
So, what business did I have trying to date someone else when I didn’t even know myself?
So, I didn’t bow to the pressure even when it felt unbearable.
My point is that many guys go into relationships before they even get to know themselves.
They have no idea what they truly want from a relationship.
They just know it is something everyone else is doing.
So, they jump into relationships without a clear picture of what they want.
“Let’s just see how it goes.”
You can say these words when talking about playing a game or visiting a friend on a day you are unsure about being free.
But you shouldn’t be using these words when dealing with something as serious as a relationship.
The reality is that you are using those words because you don’t exactly know what you want.
And if you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’ll accept anything.
You will focus on vibes and chemistry instead of focusing on compatibility of vision and purpose.
While chemistry is not bad, it is not the main deciding factor for a man who truly knows what he wants.
So, here’s what you can do: Take time away from romantic relationships to know and understand yourself.
Also, decide on those things you want and list the non-negotiable ones.
Do you want someone emotionally available?
Ambitious?
Kind?
Get specific.
When you define your standards, you will stop settling for less.
2. You are acting too desperate for a relationship
One time, a friend suffered heartbreak because his girlfriend broke up with him.
Within a few weeks, he was already in another relationship, trying to prove that he didn’t need his ex.
Well, that relationship crashed within a few months, and he was once again searching frantically for a replacement.
Apart from the pathetic need to make his ex feel like he didn’t feel their absence, I noticed that he was so desperate to not be alone.
And sincerely, this is one thing I wonder about.
I don’t have qualms about being alone.
In fact, I love it.
I also love companionship, but I am not so desperate for it that I would jump into relationships without being sure of what I want.
My point is that desperation is always a magnet for the wrong people.
If you are dating because you are lonely or insecure, you will attract women who sense that, and they will capitalize on your weakness.
After critically examining most of the relationships around me, I have realized that many men fall into this category.
I see young men flaunting money and expensive properties just to attract ladies.
While most people think this is what it means to “show workings” (Nigerian slang for walking your talk), I think it is an act borne of insecurity and desperation.
It is wrong to flash cash around when trying to ask a lady out.
You are trying to sell yourself and not your possessions to her.
And any woman who responds positively to you when you flash cash around will surely leave when she meets someone with more.
So, what do you do?
Focus on building a fulfilling life outside of dating.
Confidence comes from purpose.
When you are secure in yourself, you will naturally attract high-class women without all the unnecessary things many men do to attract women.
3. You ignore red flags because of vibes
One time, I told my friend that females can paint a red flag green just to be with someone they love.
I shouldn’t have narrowed it to females because males do it, too.
But we were talking about something related to females when I said it.
One of my friends was talking about his girlfriend and telling us how much of a vibe she was.
I sensed there was a “but,” so I asked him to say what he was hesitating to say, and he said, “But when she gets angry, she breaks things”.
Then he went on to assert that he really loves her and she is just a little bad-tempered.
Well, I told him that she was more than a little bad-tempered.
And one day, his head would be the closest thing to break when she is angry.
Thankfully, he ended the relationship, but not before this girl chased him around the house with a knife because she read his chats with another girl and didn’t like the endearments she was using for him.
The truth is that an instant spark can be intoxicating, but chemistry doesn’t equal long-term potential.
If you keep on overlooking red flags just because you are enjoying the chemistry in a relationship, it is a sign that you are the one setting yourself up for the repeat disasters you have experienced in your relationships.
The connection can be electric, but if you keep overlooking red flags, you will be shocked in a very bad way.
So, what do you do if this is you?
The first thing you need to do is to slow down.
Slow and steady wins the race, especially in relationships.
Don’t rush in because you may end up rushing out.
Pay attention to the actions of the ladies you attract, not just their words.
I recently ended a blossoming talking stage because I realized she was a red flag in many ways.
She expects her man to finance every aspect of her life, thinks her money is her money while her man’s money is for both of them, and, lastly, feels like she is the prize.
I was the only one who had to prove myself worthy of her attention because there were several men interested in her.
I left because these were red flags for me.
I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman who believes these things.
So, be calm and observant.
That way, you can note those red flags because no matter how much she tries to hide them, red flags still have a unique way of showing.
4. You are focused on superficial qualities
In secondary school, a junior student told me that he couldn’t marry any woman who didn’t have large buttocks.
That was his focus, and even though he was still in high school, it was an incredibly myopic insight.
I remember asking him what he would do when he met a woman with a larger behind than his wife.
He didn’t have an answer.
So, I went on to tell him that there were deeper things than the shape of her body and he should be more focused on those.
The truth is that I would be a hypocrite if I said that the shape of a woman’s body is not part of what catches the eye in the first place.
Physical attraction and surface-level traits can catch your attention, but they don’t necessarily reflect compatibility or depth.
If you prioritize looks or status above shared values and emotional connection, you might end up with partners who don’t fulfill your deeper needs.
In fact, this is the reason why you keep attracting the wrong kind.
You are too focused on the minor things.
Hence, you miss out on women who have the major things you want because they may lack the “minor.”
So, what do you do?
You must develop the mindset that physical traits are not all there is to a woman.
A woman may tick all the physical boxes, but don’t be in a hurry to jump into a relationship.
Be patient and observe her to see if she also ticks the other boxes.
5. You keep terrible company
This is not even debatable.
The company we keep can determine the kind of people we attract in our lives.
The environment you are in plays a significant role in the kind of people you meet.
So, the question you need to ask yourself is
“Am I spending time in places where the values I desire can be found?”
If the answer to this question is yes, you are fine.
Keep going to those places.
You will get what you want.
However, if the answer is negative, then you need to be more intentional about the company you keep.
It’s that simple.
6. You are not the right version of yourself
The truth is that when many guys complain about meeting the wrong kind of woman, my first impulse usually is to ask them if they consider themselves to be the right kind of man.
It’s brutal, but sometimes we need to be brutally honest with ourselves if we want to improve.
Like attracts like.
If you are emotionally unavailable, financially unstable, or lacking direction, you will attract partners at a similar level.
So, the best way to handle this is to work on yourself.
Don’t just get into a relationship because everyone else is.
Only do so when you are absolutely ready to be in a relationship.
Work on becoming the kind of man your dream woman would want.
Level up your mindset, health, and goals.
The better you become, the better your options will be.
Ultimately, the change starts with you.
Attracting the right kind of women is not about luck.
It is about intentionality and alignment.
When you are clear about your standards and grow into the best version of yourself, the right ones will start showing up.
They will show up because you are also the right one for them.
So ask yourself: If I keep getting what I have always gotten, what do I need to change?
The answer might just transform your love life.