Love is all good, but you need more than that when it comes to keeping a marriage.
Many people are either ignorant of this truth or ignore it because they feel it’s not important.
Marriage requires consistency, loyalty, mutual respect, trust, and really large reserves of patience.
When these are lacking, people usually experience troubles in their marriages.
I have seen many people complain about the troubles in their relationships.
In fact, I have seen so many people blame their partners for whatever is going wrong.
What I haven’t seen is someone telling me about the problems in their marriage and saying, “Man, I know I am the cause of most of the things going wrong in my marriage.”
I know that when listening to the relationship struggles of some people, I need to be as nonjudgmental as possible.
But sometimes, it is really difficult not to.
When I see someone complaining about their partners, I think, “Even when narrating things from your perspective, I can still see that you are the problem. What would happen if I now listened to your partner’s side of the story?”
Many people complain about problems in their marriages without realizing that they are major contributors to the issues.
Knowing and understanding the source of your issues in marriage will help you deal with them effectively.
Today, I urge you to be brutally honest with yourself as we embark on an introspective journey.
This is the first step towards dealing with your marital issues.
Here are some signs that indicate you are the problem in your marriage…
Let’s get started!
9 Signs You Are The Problem In Your Marriage
1. You are always right
In all my life on earth, I have never seen or heard of anyone who is actually always right.
However, I have seen and heard of people who think they are always right.
If you fall into this class of people, it is not really surprising that you are having marriage issues.
In fact, I would have been surprised if you weren’t.
Because no one can ever be right all the time!
Take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I don’t have to be right all the time.”
It is okay if you are wrong sometimes.
Being wrong sometimes doesn’t cause so many issues in relationships.
But if you always feel the need to be right so much that you always feel the need to prove a point to your partner, you may actually be the problem in your marriage.
I love arguments…
Scratch that…
I love winning arguments.
From my days in secondary school, I would argue with my colleagues about things that mattered to us and win.
Maturing made me realize I couldn’t carry that mentality into a relationship.
A relationship is not about winning arguments or being always right.
It’s about understanding and compromise.
The discussions and arguments in marriage have higher stakes than winning the “Messi vs Ronaldo” debate.
They could make or break the relationship.
If you feel the need to always be right or prove a point to your partner, you need to take a step back and reexamine the negative effect it is having on your marriage.
I know it is not easy, but you need to try listening to your partner.
Listening and learning to make compromises will save you and your partner a lot of headaches.
2. You don’t communicate well
Growing up, I didn’t like talking to my dad.
He was one of those people who turned even the simplest gist into a long lecture.
There were certain things I couldn’t talk to him about because I was sure I would get a lecture about a Bible character, preferably Joseph.
It was always so exasperating for me.
Now, he complains that no one really talks to him, and I am sometimes tempted to tell him that it’s his fault.
In marriage, you most likely don’t lecture your partner.
However, if you don’t know how to communicate well, you shouldn’t be surprised that you have issues in your marriage.
Some people don’t even communicate at all with their partners.
It’s really sad because marriage is supposed to be the most intimate relationship in the world.
Yet some married couples don’t even know how to communicate well.
If you are the type of partner that doesn’t express their feelings to their spouse, misunderstandings will always be a part of your marriage.
In marriage, effective communication is important.
Don’t let the term “effective communication” make you think I am talking about something complex.
It is just the simple act of listening to understand what your partner is saying and clearly expressing your opinions.
It is as simple as that.
You are wrong if you haven’t been doing this in your relationship, even when your partner wants to communicate with you.
This is an obvious sign that you are the problem of your marriage.
What do you do?
Make an effort to have open and honest conversations with your partner.
With communication issues solved, other things should be dealt with much more easily.
3. You hold grudges
Forgiveness is an integral aspect of relationships.
If you don’t know how to forgive when others wrong you, it is safe to assume that you will have issues keeping your relationships.
No matter how great your partner is, it is safe to assume that you have been wronged a couple of times in the relationship.
If you are the type of person who has a long memory of your partner’s shortcomings and has no scruples revisiting them when it suits you, you may actually be the source of all the tension in your marriage.
One time, a woman was complaining about her husband.
She said he wasn’t responsible.
She said he didn’t even like staying at home anymore.
She claimed he always stayed away from home and hung out with friends.
While she was talking about her present problems in the marriage, I couldn’t help but notice how she could cite offenses that he had committed several years ago.
When asked if her husband had done any positive things for her over the years, she said, “I guess so.”
The woman lacked a forgiving spirit and was too focused on the negatives to even consider the positive things her husband did.
I am not saying the man didn’t have his faults, but with his wife constantly reminding him of the things he had done and being resentful for past wrongdoings, you can’t totally blame him for wanting to stay away from his house.
When you insist on holding grudges against your partner, you turn their home into a place they want to avoid.
Holding grudges brings a negative atmosphere into the house, and no marriage can thrive in such a toxic environment.
You need to learn to truly forgive your partner.
And if you think whatever they have done is unforgivable, it is better to exit that marriage than keep grudges.
It also has negative effects on you.
4. You avoid conflicts
This may sound really weird since you think avoiding conflicts is the same as keeping the peace in your marriage.
Well, they are two different things.
There is no relationship that doesn’t have its fair share of conflicts.
In fact, conflicts help a relationship grow because partners learn how to resolve conflict better—at least in successful relationships.
If you are the type of partner who avoids conflicts either by capitulating all the time or sweeping things under the rug, you are doing two negative things to your relationship.
The first negative you are doing is that you are denying yourself and your partner the chance to grow and learn from handling difficult conversations and conflicts.
The second is that irrespective of how good you are at sweeping things under the rug, the issues are still there.
They are just barely camouflaged by a facade of peace, and one day, that facade will crumble.
The “peace” will disappear, and you will be shocked at how much anger and resentment you have for your partner because of all the years of letting everything slide.
Having difficult conversations or little conflicts occasionally doesn’t make you a difficult partner.
Avoiding them qualifies you as a difficult partner.
You need to learn that approaching conflicts calmly and constructively can never make you the problem in your marriage.
5. You criticize your partner all the time
In the history of football, I don’t think there is any rivalry as deep as the Messi/Ronaldo rivalry.
I love Messi…
So, it’s just natural for me to be always critical of Ronaldo.
However, one time, I actually realized that a lot of my criticisms were unfair.
He is human too, and people make mistakes.
I realized I was holding him to a standard I wasn’t expecting from myself.
And I asked myself if I could continually deliver even under the immense pressure he has faced.
My honest answer was no.
There and then, I learned to only criticize people fairly and constructively.
Sometimes, we are like this with our partners, so we are unfairly critical of them.
And this is a major reason why people have problems in relationships.
If you realize that you have been so critical of your partner that you realize that you don’t remember complimenting them recently, it is a sign that you may be the problem in your marriage.
Constant criticism erodes your partner’s self-esteem.
Apart from this, it makes them feel unappreciated, and when people feel unappreciated, they usually look for it elsewhere.
If you realize that your partner hardly spends time with you and prefers to out with friends, it may be a sign that you are pushing them away.
No one is saying you shouldn’t criticize your partner.
But do you also appreciate them?
Do you criticize constructively, or you don’t care about their feelings?
Constructive criticism is beneficial for your marriage.
Appreciating your partner is also important.
They both go together.
6. You are always too busy
Growing up, my mom was usually always around.
My father too.
I hated it then because I felt I needed the freedom to do “things.”
I had no friends visiting me because they didn’t feel comfortable with my parents.
But I am happy about it now.
They were never too busy to spend time at home.
This helped.
I used to think most parents were like that until a friend mentioned that his parents were never home until midnight and always left the house quite early in the morning.
They were too busy for each other and their children.
Because of this, even the little time they spend together, they usually spend it fighting.
If you are like that busy couple and hardly spend any time with your partner, I can safely conclude that most of the conflicts in that relationship can be traced to you and your busy schedule.
Family matters the most.
We need to always make time for the things that matter.
Spend quality time with your partner.
Be totally involved in your children’s lives.
This is how to build a successful marriage.
7. You don’t take responsibility for anything
The first time I met someone who had this tendency to blame everybody else for everything that goes wrong, I was shocked.
This guy was absolutely wrong but he genuinely couldn’t see that he had done the wrong thing.
Instead, he blamed other people for his woes.
When marriages have problems, it is usually due to the contribution of both partners.
Blaming your partner for all the problems in the marriage may just be quite dishonest and unfair.
Apart from this, the truth is that the blame game is totally unproductive.
Blaming people has never been the solution to a problem.
If you do this, then you might just be the problem in your marriage.
Instead, you need to acknowledge your own mistakes and work on improving yourself.
Taking responsibility is a sign of maturity and commitment to the relationship.
Learn to apologize when you are wrong, and also work on yourself.
8. You have unrealistic expectations
Many people in this generation have unrealistic expectations of their partners.
They have watched too many movies and seen too many people flaunt their marriages online.
So, they want something similar without even knowing if what they are seeing is real or fake.
We are a generation of people whose mantra is “Fake it till you make it,” yet you still believe everything on social media.
Expecting your partner to satisfy all your needs is a totally unrealistic expectation.
You are placing too much pressure on one person.
Expecting your partner to be perfect is unrealistic.
No one is perfect.
Not even in the movies.
Everyone has flaws.
You need to know and understand this to have a successful marriage.
Accepting and loving your partner despite their flaws is what marriage entails.
However, you should also note that this is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Some people have terrible characters and don’t see the need to improve.
That’s also wrong.
If you belong to this set of people, you are definitely the problem in your marriage.
9. You are not supportive
An unsupportive partner is a problematic partner.
That’s the simple fact.
There’s really no need to try to explain or conceptualize this.
A healthy marriage involves supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations.
If you’re dismissive or unsupportive of your partner’s goals, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
Imagine this scenario: You have a dream to rise to the top of your career, and you share it with your husband in the hope that he will encourage you.
Instead, he laughs at you and even acts as an obstacle to you achieving your goals.
You are angry at his behavior, and because of this, you withdraw from him.
Then he gets angry because you are no longer letting him have his way with you in the bedroom.
So, he goes out and gets himself entangled with another woman.
Now, the relationship is in shambles, and he wants to blame you for his infidelity.
But the actual truth is his unsupportive behavior set things in motion.
It is not a crime to dream or have ambitious goals.
If you are an unsupportive partner who always finds your partner’s dreams too ambitious, you might just be the problem in your marriage.
The reason you guys are always fighting is because you are unsupportive.
So, what do you do?
Encourage and support your partner in their individual pursuits.
Don’t act like you are the weapon fashioned against them.
If you have recognized these signs in yourself, the truth is no one else is sabotaging your marriage.
It’s all on you.
It may be a burden to realize this, but you can change and start doing the right thing.
Being married to you shouldn’t feel like a chore.
By applying the tips embedded in the article above, I believe that you can make your partner once again find pleasure in the marriage.