Where I come from, prayers are quite important.
When you greet an elderly person, they would respond with a word of prayer over you.
One sign that they already expect you to get married is how their prayers for you change.
So, they suddenly go from praying for you to get a good job to praying that you don’t choose the wrong person to marry.
They have this funny way of saying it…
“You will not pick somebody else’s bones,” meaning you won’t marry the wrong person.
The truth is that marriage to the right person is beautiful.
It’s not perfect, but it has a lot of magical moments when you truly are just happy you made the decision to marry that person.
Every marriage has its ups and downs, so you shouldn’t start questioning your choice of husband just because you had a quarrel.
Every successful marriage involves partners who stick together and weather the storms you will surely face in marriage.
But there’s a difference between weathering storms and realizing you’re stranded on the wrong island.
What happens when what is supposed to be your love story begins to feel like a cautionary tale?
How do you spot the signs, and what do you do if you discover that you married the wrong husband?
Here are some signs to consider—and what to do if they hit a little too close to home.
9 Signs You Married The Wrong Husband
1. You feel lonely even when he is right next to you
Loneliness in marriage can be really heartbreaking.
When I first discovered that married couples can be lonely, I was puzzled.
I used to think that being married was going to put an end to loneliness.
Anyway, I have discovered that it is possible for a partner to feel lonely for a short period, even in a successful marriage.
However, these feelings are usually short-lived in a successful marriage because the couple always tries to resolve whatever issues they may be having immediately.
If you constantly crave emotional connection but your husband is absent, dismissive, or uninterested, it’s a red flag.
I have experienced what it feels like to feel alone, even in a crowd, and it is not a great feeling.
I felt this way at the time because I was surrounded by people who didn’t understand me.
We couldn’t be on the same wavelength, and so I usually felt lonely even when I had people around me.
Marriage is the most intimate relationship in the world, and you shouldn’t have to feel this way with your husband.
Your husband should be your safe space, your confidant, and your biggest cheerleader.
If you feel more alone with him than you ever did when you were single, it’s time to ask yourself why.
2. Your values don’t align
The truth is you can’t always agree with your husband on everything.
He may be your soulmate, but he is not a clone of you.
So, there are some times that you may differ in how you see things.
However, when it comes to the core values, alignment is important.
This is why I always tell people that dates shouldn’t just be spent talking about emotions and sweet nothings.
There should also be a period when you get to know each other.
Values are important, and you need to be able to see if your husband’s values align with yours right from the start.
You need to discuss your desire for kids, your career goals, and how you plan to raise a family in general.
If your thoughts on these important things don’t align, your marriage will likely experience no end of trouble.
Imagine marrying a husband and then realizing he doesn’t want kids, but you have always dreamed of having kids.
This kind of misalignment in marriage could be an actual sign that you married the wrong husband.
Or imagine being with a man who insists that you sacrifice your career to be a stay-at-home wife?
There are some differences in values that are irreconcilable.
If you are married to someone and you have such differences, it is a sign that you married the wrong husband.
3. You are the only one putting in effort
Marriage is a two-way street; both partners are expected to dedicate their efforts towards the growth of the marriage.
Ideally, this is how marriage is supposed to be.
But we live in a world where many things are far from ideal.
If you feel like you are the only one making an effort in your marriage, it is a sign that something is wrong.
You constantly try to initiate meaningful discussions, while your husband usually tries to avoid them.
You are the only one trying to initiate date nights.
You are the only one trying to do special things for your husband.
While he just remains indifferent.
He doesn’t reciprocate.
He doesn’t even try to act excited.
This is an aberration.
There is a distinct imbalance in your relationship, and you may just be overcompensating.
No wonder you feel so much strain.
A healthy marriage requires mutual effort; if you’re carrying the weight alone, it’s only a matter of time before resentment sets in.
But even before resentment sets in, it is a sign that your husband may not be the right choice for you.
The right husband will want to invest his efforts in the relationship.
He will adopt a growth mindset towards the relationship.
I am certain of this.
4. He doesn’t respect you
Respect is the foundation of any relationship.
Really, I don’t even understand how anyone can claim to love someone and not treat them with respect.
When I was younger, I saw guys treat ladies with so much disrespect.
It was so rampant that many of these ladies had come to accept it as the norm.
They believed that no guy could respect a woman.
Well, that’s a big misconception.
We are expected to treat each other with respect.
And if you love someone, then you should show them even more respect.
If your husband belittles your opinions, dismisses your feelings, or undermines your accomplishments, it’s a glaring sign that something is wrong.
Love without respect is like a house built on sand—it might look sturdy but won’t withstand the storms.
If you are married to a man who disrespects you, I can categorically state that you married the wrong husband.
This is a great red flag that should have been spotted right from the start of the courtship.
I know a guy who doesn’t have an iota of respect for women.
He thinks they don’t reason well.
The crazy part is that he has a girlfriend, and I wonder how she copes with him because his default style of speaking to women is condescending.
If you are dating a disrespectful guy, leave that relationship now.
Don’t stay with the hope that he will change if you prove yourself to him.
He most likely won’t.
5. You have stopped growing together
A good marriage should inspire growth, both individually and as a couple.
You and your husband should always be able to spot opportunities for growth.
You should be motivating factors for each other.
If it feels like your husband has stopped growing with you in the relationship, there is a problem.
People’s growth processes are usually different, but the major sign of growth is that you are a little better than you were yesterday.
If you can’t say this for your husband, then it is a sign that he has stopped growing.
A good husband shouldn’t hold you back from being a better version of yourself.
Rather, he should even encourage you to improve upon yourself.
6. You dread spending time with him
Your husband should be a safe place for you.
He should be someone whose presence comforts and reassures you.
However, if the thought of spending time with your husband inspires dread in you, it is a sign that your relationship is not enjoyable.
There are some wives who don’t want their husbands to spend time at home.
They would feel sad on the days they know he is coming home early because it feels like he inspires anxiety in them.
I know a man who is always fighting with his wife.
Whenever he is around, he is always shouting at her.
I think he yells at her more than he actually talks to her.
It’s such a sad situation for the wife.
My point is that whether it’s constant arguing, emotional distance, or just a general sense of unease, your home life shouldn’t feel like a battleground.
If it does, it is actually a sign that you are married to the wrong husband.
7. You fantasize about life without him
We all have moments when we get frustrated with our partners.
This happens occasionally because they are not perfect.
However, I don’t think I know anyone who fantasizes about being single just because of these moments of frustration.
If you constantly daydream about a life without your husband, it is a sign that something is wrong.
This could involve you just imagining yourself on a vacation alone and having fun.
It could also involve you daydreaming about someone else.
Now, don’t get me wrong, marrying the wrong husband is not an excuse for infidelity or even the thought of it.
But this usually happens when you are married to the wrong person and seem to know this subconsciously.
To be clear, though, I have encountered some women who fantasize about life without their husbands even when they are married to good husbands who care for them.
If you belong to this class of women, you may be the problem.
Not your husband.
You need to honestly reflect on why you are tired of that marriage and fantasizing about being alone.
The reasons will confirm if you are married to the wrong husband or if your husband is married to the wrong wife.
8. He is not supportive
As a kid, I was trained to be very competitive.
In school, I wanted to be the best, and because of this intense desire, I wouldn’t explain tricky topics to my classmates even when they begged me.
As I grew older, I started learning that while competition was good, helping others in the right way was even better.
It made the competition healthy.
I think the highest form of maturity is realizing that there is no room for competition in marriage.
I am glad I have learned this.
Your partner should be your biggest fan.
And you should be his, as well.
He should be your biggest supporter.
In fact, it is an abomination for someone else to be more supportive of you than your husband.
You also need to reciprocate the support.
If your husband is overly critical of you and your achievements, dismissive of your dreams, or unsupportive of them, it’s a sign that he is not the right husband for you.
Love should lift you up, not tear you down.
9. You have lost your identity in the marriage
You know the way the Bible describes the salvation experience?
“Old things have passed away, now all things are new.”
It applies to you, but unlike the salvation experience, it is a negative change.
Marriage should enhance who you are, not erase you.
But it feels like marriage is trying to erase you.
Since you have been married, you have lost touch with yourself, your friends, your family, and even your dreams.
It feels like you are always catering to your husband’s needs.
Don’t get me wrong…
It is your duty to cater to your husband’s needs as it is his to cater to yours.
But marriage should not be like indentured servitude, but that’s what it feels like for you.
Your husband seeks to stifle any sign of individuality in you.
He doesn’t want you to have your own life.
This is why he attempts to isolate you from friends and family.
This is a sign of a very toxic marriage.
Recognizing these signs in your relationship can be a painful experience.
You may want to leave the marriage immediately.
But it is better you don’t make panicky decisions.
Before making any drastic decisions, consider having an open and honest conversation with your husband about how you’re feeling.
Sometimes, issues can be resolved with better communication and effort from both sides.
A therapist can help you understand your feelings and provide tools to improve your relationship—or help you decide if it’s time to move on.
You also need to focus on yourself.
Reconnect with your passions, your friends, and your sense of self.
If you’ve tried everything and still feel unhappy, it might be time to consider separation.
Staying in an unhealthy marriage out of fear or obligation only prolongs the pain.
The truth is that whether you choose to work on your relationship or walk away, the decision is yours to make.
However, while making this decision, you should remember that you deserve love, respect, and happiness.
Always keep this in mind.