No one wants to be treated badly in marriage.
I mean, no one except those who are into masochism, and in my books, those are not exactly normal people.
However, regardless of our intense dislike for being hurt, the truth is that it is one thing that can’t be escaped.
The people we love may hurt us unintentionally, regardless of how much they love us.
Husbands are no exception to this.
This doesn’t change the fact that ideally, marriage is a sanctuary of love, trust, and mutual respect.
What affects this idea of marriage being a sanctuary is when it feels like your partner derives pleasure from hurting you.
Being married to someone like this can be hell on earth.
It has this terrible way of turning your world upside down.
It is a sad thing to think about but the truth is that there are several people who are living in this terrible situation at the moment.
The craziest part of it is that even in that terrible situation, it is sometimes difficult for them to recognize that they are in a relationship with someone who enjoys seeing them in pain.
Recognizing the signs that your husband may enjoy hurting you is crucial to ensuring your well-being.
So, pay attention as we explore the signs together.
And also…
Be honest with yourself!
Your honesty may just be what saves you from a toxic, life-threatening relationship.
Let’s get started.
8 Signs Your Husband Enjoys Hurting You
1. He constantly criticizes you
Criticism is not out of place in a relationship if it is done the right way.
The right way to criticize anyone is constructively in such a way that the person is motivated to improve.
The best way to do this is to tell the person what they have done well already before telling them what they need to improve upon.
Apart from motivating them to do better, it also makes them feel that their past good deeds haven’t gone unnoticed.
There is no way you won’t face criticism in your relationship, no matter how you try to avoid it.
The only way to avoid criticism is to be perfect, and that is not humanly possible.
But the question is, what kind of criticism have you been getting from your husband?
If he criticizes you constantly, then there are two things involved: you either don’t understand his point, or he just seems to like finding fault in everything you do.
If it is the latter, then it could be a sign that he enjoys hurting you.
This is especially true if he says hurtful things while “correcting” you.
One time, I saw a man correcting his wife, and I got really angry.
He was speaking to the poor woman terribly and calling her all sorts of names.
The truth is that no one should be spoken to this way.
I heard many words and think the least terrible was “stupid.”
I felt really angry and sad.
How do you verbally abuse a woman you claim to love?
How do you say such things to her and feel okay within yourself?
If your husband does all of these to you, it is a sign that he enjoys hurting you.
He may try to tell you otherwise, but his actions and words, most of the time, will display his true colors to you.
2. He manipulates you
Now, this is usually a subtle thing, and it’s very difficult to spot.
It won’t be manipulation if it isn’t difficult to spot, at least in the beginning.
Manipulation comes in many forms: gaslighting, guilt-tripping, outright lies, and emotional blackmail are a few of the forms manipulation can take in your relationship.
If you notice any of these consistently occurring in your relationship, you are most likely married to a man who enjoys hurting you.
Manipulative people generally love to have their way, and they don’t care how many people they hurt along the way.
They just want to have their way.
So, they lie, blackmail, coerce, and guilt trip their victims into doing whatever they want.
While it may start out subtly, it usually doesn’t stay subtle.
This reminds me of one of the crudest examples of manipulation I have ever seen.
Growing up, we had this neighbor who used to manipulate his wife all the time for her money.
We all knew it, but she didn’t.
Either she was extremely naive, or she just hoped to buy his love with money, but his brand of manipulation was very obvious.
Whenever he needed money, he would start by treating her nicely for some time.
After that, he will make his demands.
If she doesn’t respond favorably, he unleashes his terrible behavior on her.
He starts a battle in the house and only talks to her when he wants to shout at her, and after some days of this treatment, she caves in and gives him what he wants.
It wasn’t subtle, but it was still effective.
Dear woman, if you see the signs of manipulation in your marriage, please be aware that you may be in a toxic relationship.
A toxic husband can tell you he loves you this minute and intentionally hurt you the next minute.
The sooner you realize that relationship is toxic, the better for you.
3. He enjoys your distress
In all my life, I have never enjoyed anyone’s distress.
Even when I dislike a person, I still tend to feel sorry for them.
The reason I am sharing this is to ensure that you know that you can dislike someone and still not enjoy their distress.
This is what makes it so horrible that a man who claims to love you would enjoy seeing you upset.
It may seem horrible, but there are horrible men who are capable of such actions.
It’s not just enough for him to criticize and belittle you every chance he gets; he even laughs and smirks at your distress when you are upset.
Remember that neighbor I had while growing up?
The man would say terrible things to his wife and do terrible things to her.
Then, he would come outside and start joking with people immediately after.
It usually felt like he was mocking her distress by letting her know that he could put her in such a state one minute and still laugh with others the next.
My point is that if your husband shows signs of delight in your distress, it is a major sign that he enjoys hurting you.
4. He isolates you from friends and family
One thing I have noticed about abusers is that they always try to isolate their victims from others.
It is their standard mode of operation: isolate her from friends and family by complaining about how much time she spends with them, make yourself her only pillar of support, and then take away or offer your support only when it benefits you.
It’s sick, but it usually works.
If you realize that your husband is trying to isolate you or has already isolated you from friends and family, you are in a really toxic relationship.
He wants to cut you off from friends and family so you can totally depend on him.
If he has succeeded, you need to establish contact with trusted friends and family members.
Get your support system back before making your next moves.
PS: Your next moves should be moves that take you out of that toxic relationship!
5. He is physically aggressive
Verbal abuse is terrible.
Sticks and stones can hurt you, but words can hurt you really deeply, too.
However, if your husband enjoys hurting you, he will not just hurt you with his words alone.
He may also add physical abuse for maximum effect.
If you are married to a man who abuses you physically and verbally all the time, and you still believe he only has small anger issues, you need reorientation.
There is no excuse for abuse in a relationship.
“Ooh, she annoyed me.”
That’s not a valid reason to hit someone.
The very moment you stop believing that your husband is abusing you because you were “bad” is the moment you get liberation.
He is abusing you because subduing you gives him joy.
He loves to be in control, and seeing you cower before him boosts his ego.
I always say this to every victim of abuse, and you won’t be an exception: flee from that abusive relationship.
Please!
6. He is emotionally distant
A husband who enjoys hurting his wife has to be an unfeeling person.
No one with a single drop of humanity in him would hurt their partners and enjoy it.
Lately, I was reading about killers, and I saw how one loved to get up close to his victims and watch the fear in their eyes.
He said it gave him a rush.
I was shocked.
As a guy who has never killed even a chicken, it’s hard to imagine how someone would enjoy killing anything.
It takes an intense level of emotional numbness to enjoy hurting someone you claim to love.
The point is an emotionally abusive husband often shows a lack of empathy.
If your husband enjoys hurting you, then he will also display a propensity for dismissing your emotions.
He is totally indifferent to you and doesn’t care about your feelings.
He also doesn’t support you in difficult times because the actual truth is that he likes seeing you in distress.
If your husband does all of these, he enjoys hurting you.
You would be better off being single than being married to a man who loves to torture you.
7. He uses you as a tool
A few months ago, I actually got to realize that some friends are not exactly friends.
They are just people who view you as a tool to get what they want.
When they are done with you, they are definitely going to discard you.
This is true even in marriage.
It is very possible for your husband to view and treat as a tool for achieving his goals.
I will explain how…
If your husband uses you for personal gain without considering your needs or feelings, it’s a sign of exploitative behavior.
This can include financial exploitation or simply using you to boost his status in the community.
I have seen several men who have married for status.
They usually have this sort of attitude to their marriage.
Their wives are only useful as long as they can benefit from them.
This is why I disagree with the brand of friendship I have seen among youths recently.
People are now so focused on making friends because of what they can gain from them.
The truth is friendship is not a tool to help you advance your career.
It is not a tool to get you what you want.
It can do all of these but friendship is far more than all of these.
Friends are people who stick together even when things are tough.
Not the type of people who come around you because they feel like you are a worthy addition to their network.
If your husband uses you like a tool, the odds are he would enjoy hurting you because you are just a tool to him.
8. He shows no remorse for his actions
When normal people hurt you, they apologize sincerely for their actions because they truly didn’t mean to hurt you and didn’t derive pleasure from seeing you upset.
However, people who enjoy hurting others show no remorse for hurting others.
If your husband enjoys hurting you, he will show no remorse for his actions.
He won’t apologize or feel guilty for causing you pain.
And even when he does apologize, his apology sounds very insincere.
It is even worse if he consistently hurts you even after apologizing.
The truth is that someone can apologize without feeling any sense of remorse.
The only way to know that the apology is sincere is when they stop intentionally hurting you.
If the signs above are evident in your relationship, the truth is that you are married to the “weapon fashioned against you.”
You need to seek help because you may think you are strong enough to handle it alone, but you are actually not.
Talk to a trusted friend or family member.
You could also consult a therapist or reach out to support groups for guidance.
Even as you do all of these, you should be getting prepared to flee that toxic relationship.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved, respected, and safe!