I have never liked it when people played the blame game.
Apart from being immature, it often shows a reluctance to take responsibility for our actions.
Marriage is meant to be a beautiful union between two people in love, but sometimes I have seen this union twisted into something horrible by things like the “blame game.”
As a kid who grew up in a superstitious community, it was not so uncommon to see men who blame their wives for the issues in their lives.
You would hear things like, “Ever since I married my wife, I have had nothing but misfortune.”
Some even go ahead to label their wives witches publicly.
However, this is not the only way men can blame their wives for their problems.
When a man secretly blames his wife for his problems, it creates a complex situation and sours what should have been a beautiful relationship.
This is made even worse because he doesn’t express his feelings verbally but treats her terribly in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.
This could leave a woman feeling confused, heartbroken, and helpless.
While it is terribly immature to act passive-aggressive and treat your partner terribly without telling them what you think they did, recognizing the signs that your husband secretly blames you for his problems may be the key to addressing the underlying issues.
Here are some signs to watch out for.
8 Signs Your Husband Secretly Blames You For His Problems
1. He is always critical
I used to hate criticism.
But years ago, I discovered that criticism wasn’t altogether bad.
It was the way people went about it that could be terrible.
I had a writer friend who always sent her works to me for critique before posting them online.
I generally had good things to say about her work, but there were times when I had to critique it a bit harshly.
She welcomed all the good critiques and the not-so-good ones.
She welcomed them all.
She taught me that anyone who wanted to improve would never shy away from criticism.
However, this time around, the criticism I am speaking about is not the constructive ones that help you improve.
They are the criticisms that seek to tear you down.
If your husband frequently finds reasons to criticize you even when there are none, it is a sign that something is wrong with the relationship.
In my experience, people who frequently criticize others usually harbor resentment for them.
When your husband criticizes you frequently, it can be a sign that he is projecting his frustrations onto you.
The criticism could be about anything; it could be about how you manage household chores.
To a man who secretly blames you for his problems, nothing you do is good.
He always finds fault in everything.
If you cook dinner, he would complain about your cooking.
If you don’t cook, he would complain about the absence of food.
With him, there are no lines.
He criticizes even your personal habits.
The key in this situation is the frequency of his criticism.
If your husband has hardly had anything good to say about you recently, it could be a sign that he secretly blames you for his problems.
2. He withdraws emotionally
When your husband secretly blames you for his problems, he becomes emotionally distant.
It is a sudden change that may have felt like just a passing phase when it started.
The problem is that it no longer feels like a passing phase.
It now feels like you are total strangers sharing a house.
You no longer know what is happening in his life.
The distance between the two of you seems to grow every single day.
Your husband avoids having any form of meaningful conversation with you.
In fact, it feels like he only has something to say to you when he wants to criticize you or quarrel with you over some trivial matters.
He also seems very disinterested in spending quality time with you. He would rather spend his time hanging out with his friends or indulging in one hobby or the other.
He spends a lot of time away from home, and even when he is at home, he acts like he would rather be somewhere else.
If your husband always acts this way around you, it could be a sign that he secretly blames you for his problems.
He is apparently harboring resentment towards you.
3. He shifts the blame to you
If someone secretly blames you for something, they may display this by shifting the blame to you whenever you have conflicts.
As I always mention, conflict is not necessarily a bad thing.
It could even be beneficial.
What makes conflict beneficial is how it is handled by the parties involved.
If it is handled properly, then it is going to be beneficial for the relationship.
However, if it is not, then there’s a problem.
How your husband handles conflicts can give you an insight into whether he secretly blames you for his problems.
Have you noticed that your husband is never wrong?
He consistently shifts the blame onto you, even when you are obviously not at fault.
It just feels like he is looking for any opportunity to blame you for something going wrong.
So, if one little thing is out of place, he blames you for it.
Even when he is the one at fault, he fails to see it.
Instead, he blames you.
The truth is that he is doing this because deep within him, he blames you for his problems.
One time, I read the story of a man who gave up his job to relocate overseas with his wife.
He did this because he felt getting a new job wouldn’t be so hard.
Alas, he realized that he may have underestimated the process of getting a job. For years, he had to work at menial jobs while his wife became the breadwinner of the house.
He never said it, but his wife felt he blamed her for what happened in his career.
His actions towards her reeked of resentment.
He never helped around the house and took to drinking heavily.
He wasn’t even paying attention to his kids.
He also got violent, and they had several quarrels where she felt utterly terrified of him.
She was in danger of bodily harm, and the day he actually hit her was the day she left the marriage.
Dear men, don’t let resentment eat you up.
Talk to your wife about what you feel and sort things out.
Trying to deal with those invasive thoughts on you may destroy your marriage.
4. He never appreciates you
The woman whose experience I shared above mentioned that when they first moved, her husband still had high hopes.
He would appreciate her efforts in providing for the family and promise her that he would get a job soon.
The appreciation ended after about a year of job hunting.
At that point, he took everything she was doing for granted and started finding fault in how she did things.
If she gave him money, he would never appreciate it.
Rather, he would complain that the money wasn’t enough.
He was truly going through a tough time, but that didn’t justify his spirited attempt to make everyone around him miserable.
A sudden lack of appreciation for your efforts and contributions to the relationship can be disheartening.
But when it happens, it may indicate that your husband is too focused on his personal struggles and maybe even holds you responsible for them.
He feels like whatever you are doing right now is not enough atonement for whatever role he thinks you played in his problems.
5. He is short-tempered
Everyone gets angry occasionally.
It is not a big deal when you know how to keep your anger under control.
However, it becomes an issue when your husband seems always to be angry at you.
If your husband is frequently irritable and short-tempered with you, it is a sign that something is wrong.
This cannot be explained away as your husband having a bad temper.
There are deeper underlying issues that need to be addressed.
Trivial things make your husband flare up all the time, and you think it is normal?
It isn’t!
One time, a man was quarreling with his wife in the morning.
You would have thought that whatever they were quarreling about was very important.
It wasn’t so.
The cause of the quarrel was the fact that the husband felt his wife didn’t press the toothpaste tube properly.
According to him, no normal human being presses the toothpaste tube from the middle.
This is just an example of the trivial stuff that can lead to quarrels when a husband secretly blames his wife for his problems.
6. He acts irresponsibly
Responsibility is the hallmark of masculinity.
The strength of a man is not determined by his muscles but by how well he handles his responsibilities.
If your husband starts avoiding tasks or responsibilities that he used to handle, it is a sign that something is wrong with the relationship.
This is especially true if he used to be a very dutiful and supportive husband.
I grew up in a community populated by irresponsible fathers and husbands.
So, I know that it is possible for some men to avoid their responsibilities for no reason at all.
However, a sudden change has to be influenced by something.
If this sudden change coincides with the other signs above, it is a sign that your husband is struggling with his failures and secretly blames you for them.
7. He is passive-aggressive
It is impossible for your husband to secretly blame you for his problems without expressing himself subtly or sarcastically.
This is where passive-aggressive behavior comes in.
Your husband starts exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviors such as making sarcastic comments, giving you the silent treatment, or deliberately going out of his way to annoy you.
This is a terrible sign that something is wrong.
Whenever some men are unhappy in their relationships, passive-aggressive behavior is usually a norm.
If this sign occurs in tandem with the others listed above, it is more than a sign of unhappiness.
It could be a sign that he secretly blames you for his problems.
This is especially true if he says things to that effect.
He may make snide comments like “Since you came into my life, I have just been facing troubles”.
Whenever he does things like this, it is a sign that he believes within him that you are the cause of his problems and can’t keep it secret.
Hence, the snide comments and silent treatment aimed at you.
8. He compares you to other women
This sign is an obvious indication of dissatisfaction.
What I have learned in life is that when you are contented with your lot in life, you won’t see the need for comparisons.
You are happy with where you are.
Well, one thing is certain about a man who secretly blames his wife for his problems: he is not happy where he is.
If he secretly blames his wife for his problems, it is safe to imagine that he regrets marrying her.
He spends every day seeing women he thinks are better than his wife and mentally beats himself up for marrying her.
Usually, such a man can’t resist the urge to compare his wife to these model female specimens.
If your husband has started comparing you to other women, it could be a sign of dissatisfaction.
When you do something great, he always has this uncanny way of finding someone who can do it better.
And when you do something really bad, there are millions of women for him to compare you with readily.
The comparisons are really hurtful and usually unfounded.
It’s just a way to hurt you.
The truth is that when a man secretly blames you for his problems, he seizes every opportunity he gets to hurt you.
It’s a way of making you feel bad about yourself.
The sad thing is he usually feels it is justified.
Some humans have a really warped sense of justice.
Anyhow, if you are seeing this sign and all the others above, you are probably wondering what to do.
Well, the one thing you shouldn’t do is panic.
Calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare yourself to have a talk with him.
It’s a talk, not a shouting match.
Tell him about your observations and ask him why he is treating you the way he is.
Encourage him to express himself and be open to self-reflection.
I know you are the victim in this but still, self-awareness is key.
If you have played any role in helping him think you are the cause of his problems, you should be ready to change and improve yourself.
Sometimes, the issues may be too complex to deal with yourselves.
This is why we have professionals.
A therapist can guide you and your husband through this journey of healing and forgiveness.
Lastly, marriage is a partnership: a forever partnership, for better, for worse.
So, you should be ready to support each other through tough times.
The truth is that you can still enjoy a happy marriage if you are both willing to do the work together.
But you have to be willing!