Emotional intelligence is very important in our relationships.
Growing up, people were more focused on how intelligent a child was.
I was admired for my intelligence, but I didn’t know how to treat people.
I think the first time I realized this was during my first year at university.
I realized that I wasn’t sensitive enough to people’s emotions and started working on it.
Now, I have better and healthier relationships.
Well, enough about me.
I was only trying to show the benefits of emotional intelligence.
Marriage is a beautiful journey, but it is never smooth sailing all through.
Just like every other relationship, even successful marriages have their tough times.
Sometimes, what helps successful marriages remain successful is the fact that the couples are emotionally intelligent.
What separates a good husband from a great husband?
Emotional intelligence.
An emotionally intelligent husband doesn’t just love his wife—he understands her, respects her, and nurtures the relationship with wisdom and care.
Of course, I am not describing a perfect husband because there are actually no perfect husbands (or wives).
But emotional intelligence takes you as close to being perfect as any human possibly can.
Since I have clearly stated the things that an emotionally intelligent husband would usually do, here are some things that emotionally intelligent husbands never do.
7 Things Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Never Do
1. They never dismiss their wives’ feelings
The first thing everybody needs to learn in their journey to being emotionally intelligent is that people’s feelings matter.
This is quite key to enjoying a successful relationship with others.
Communication is important, and in marriage, it is even more important.
Couples don’t just have casual discussions.
They also have meaningful conversations about their feelings and other difficult topics that may come up in marriage.
So, imagine discussing your feelings with your husband, and his first reaction is to tell you how he thinks you are overreacting and unnecessarily dramatic.
That’s a total and flippant dismissal of your feelings, and rather than calm things down, that response has a unique way of inflaming the situation even more.
This is one thing an emotionally intelligent husband knows that he should never do.
He is sensitive enough to know that dismissing his wife’s feelings is a way of invalidating her feelings and telling her that her feelings don’t matter in the relationship.
You may already be wondering what an emotionally intelligent husband does.
Well, instead of saying “You are just overreacting”, he says “Tell me how you feel.”
He lets his wife express her feelings without interrupting her.
The truth is that sometimes, he may not fully understand what his wife is saying or going through, but he listens and validates her.
He ensures she knows that her feelings count.
When she knows that her feelings count, it makes communication a lot easier in the relationship because she knows he won’t just throw out her feelings like dirty bath water.
The best way to get to this point is learning how to listen to understand.
You don’t always have to respond all the time.
Sometimes, all a wife needs is someone who truly listens to her.
2. They never use silence as a weapon
I mentioned the importance of communication earlier, and while I emphasized the role of an emotionally intelligent husband as a listener, he is more than that.
He doesn’t just listen, he also speaks.
Husbands also have feelings, and it is only appropriate for them to express their feelings.
In the past, I used to react aggressively when people hurt me.
As a kid, I was always fighting, and at some point, I realized that if I didn’t do something, my temper would get me in trouble.
I thought and discovered a solution ( I now realize that this was also wrong).
My solution was to resort to silence when angered or offended.
The truth is that it stopped me from angry outbursts and violence, but it wasn’t the right way to handle emotions.
I have learned that the best way to deal with unpleasant emotions is to talk about them with your partner.
Silent treatment is an emotional warfare.
It doesn’t involve outbursts of anger and violence, but just like the Cold War, it is still war.
Emotionally intelligent husbands know better than to shut down.
When they are angry, they express themselves.
When they are sad, they communicate.
When they want to be alone, they say so.
They don’t just ignore their wives and leave them guessing.
Most importantly, they know that conflicts are not resolved in silence.
Effective and honest communication is what helps couples resolve conflicts in their relationships.
3. They never compare their wives to others
Growing up, I knew what it felt like to be compared to others.
In school, if you weren’t first in class, the average African parent would ask you if the person who came first had two heads.
They would compare you to gentler kids if you were a little playful and stubborn.
So, I understand what it feels like to be compared to someone else.
One of the biggest insults a husband can commit against his wife is to compare her to another woman.
Apart from admitting that he observes other women, this is also a sign that he thinks she is not good enough.
People who are not emotionally intelligent just talk anyhow, but a man who is emotionally intelligent knows how to weigh his words.
He is sensitive to the impact his words have on his wife, so he doesn’t compare her to other women.
Comparisons are toxic, whether it is about looks, cooking, or career.
They have this way of making you feel inadequate, like you can’t ever do anything right.
An emotionally intelligent husband doesn’t want his wife to feel this way.
Hence, he never compares her.
He appreciates his wife for who she is, not who she “should be.”
Now, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t criticize his wife.
We all know that no one is perfect.
So, criticism is an important aspect of relationships.
The difference between an emotionally intelligent husband and others is that he never criticizes his wife destructively.
He is always constructive with his criticism.
So, imagine a scenario when a wife cooks a really salty meal for dinner.
A husband without a shred of emotional intelligence would say something like.
“You don’t even know how to cook anything. See how salty the food is. I wish you would learn from Caleb’s wife. That woman knows how to cook.”
While an emotionally intelligent husband would go about it differently, “Babe, the salt in this meal is a little much. Can you take it down a notch next time?”
He could even infuse his criticism with a little humor and ask if the price of salt has been reduced in the market.
The difference between the two approaches is clear.
In fact, when an emotionally intelligent husband criticizes his wife, they could end up laughing about the whole matter.
So, you should make a conscious decision never to compare your partner to someone else.
When you want to criticize your partner, take a minute to consider whether your words will sound offensive if you are on the receiving end.
Start thinking faster than you speak!
4. They never make important decisions alone
Marriage is more than just two people coming together to have kids.
It is a partnership.
It is meant to be the purest form of partnership ever.
But if you have ever been to a predominantly patriarchal society, you would notice that marriage usually doesn’t feel like a partnership in those places.
It is usually a man making all the decisions and expecting his wife to do as he has asked.
Well, that’s no way to make a marriage work.
Couples need to make decisions together.
It helps in improving the unity of couples in marriage.
Of course, there are a few decisions that couples don’t necessarily need to make together.
Things like what to eat or what to wear are minor decisions that can be made individually.
However, important decisions like buying a car, moving cities, and changing jobs should ideally be made together.
If a married man makes important decisions without asking for his wife’s input, it is a sign that he is not emotionally intelligent and doesn’t even respect her enough to be interested in her opinions.
This is a very toxic way to behave in a marriage, and it usually causes a lot of problems for the couple.
5. They never neglect small gestures of affection
A happy and successful marriage is not built on grand gestures of affection alone.
The truth is that a successful marriage is powered by those little daily gestures of love.
It’s the seemingly little things that truly matter.
I learned this a long time ago in my friendships.
One of my best friends ever is a lady who has never really done anything grand for me.
Yet, she is my best friend because she shows up for me constantly in little ways.
She listens when I want to rant.
She knows when to motivate me and when to comfort me.
The truth is that she doesn’t need to give me anything grand to show that she loves me.
The fact that she consistently shows up for me over the years is a sign of it.
An emotionally intelligent husband understands the power of little gestures when they are performed consistently.
He understands that the daily “how was your day” is a great way to bond with his wife.
He knows that making her coffee occasionally could be a great way to express his love for her, and so, he does this.
He helps with the dishes without being asked because he feels you are tired.
He also does chores around the house to lighten your workload.
An emotionally intelligent husband doesn’t wait until it is your birthday or anniversary before expressing his love for you.
He does it daily in several little ways.
6. They never blame, instead of taking responsibility
Gaslighting is a terrible thing to do.
But there are many husbands who do this in their house.
These men are not emotionally intelligent.
They are manipulative.
I view men who gaslight their wives as little boys who haven’t learned that one of the major characteristics of maturity is learning to take responsibility for their actions.
Emotionally intelligent husbands are not perfect.
So, they get angry and make mistakes sometimes.
But an emotionally intelligent husband would never say, “You made me angry.”
Instead, he would say, “I got angry because I was frustrated. I need to work on how I handle frustration.”
He knows that his actions are his and he alone is responsible for how he reacts to certain situations.
He owns his emotions and reactions.
This makes him a great husband because it takes away the additional drama of blaming each other from your relationship.
7. They never stop growing with their wives
An emotionally intelligent husband understands that love is not enough to guarantee a successful relationship.
To have a successful relationship, you need trust and mutual respect to back up love.
These things don’t just happen naturally.
So, they nurture their relationships.
They work on it.
They communicate with their wives honestly, spend quality time together, and display their love through thoughtful gestures.
They are fully invested in the growth and success of the relationship.
If a husband puts little effort into his relationship, he is definitely not emotionally intelligent.
Emotionally intelligent husbands know that marriage is a continuous work in progress.
Ultimately, an emotionally intelligent husband isn’t perfect, but he’s aware.
With all the qualities I have already listed above, you may think I am describing a perfect man—I am not.
Emotional intelligence is not about being perfect, it’s about being present and aware of your environment.
It is about being sensitive.
And it is not an inborn gift.
It can be learned.
So, try to be more conscious of your environment and the effects of your words and actions on people.