Now, before anyone comes for my wig, let me say this: this post is not to excuse the married man; he’s the real homewrecker.
He made vows.
He’s the one cheating.
Full stop.
But can we also admit that some women knowingly date married men?
Some of them are young, naive, or deeply hurting.
But others?
They step into the situation with open eyes and a cocktail of sweet lies they’ve been fed or fed themselves.
It’s not always about desperation or even money.
Sometimes, it’s about beliefs; things mistresses tell themselves to feel better about themselves and what they’re doing.
5 Things Mistresses Believe That Make Them Date Married Men
1. “If he’s unhappy at home, I’m not the problem.”
No one gets married looking forward to an unhappy marriage, but sometimes life happens.
So yeah, maybe a man is unhappy for some reason.
It happens.
Marriages go through rough patches.
People feel stuck.
But just because he’s unhappy doesn’t make it okay to be the solution while he’s still married.
A lot of mistresses comfort themselves with this line, “He was already miserable before I came along.” yen yen yen
And maybe that’s true.
Maybe he came to you as a broken man pouring out his pain, painting his wife as cold, controlling, unloving beeech.
Maybe he told you he’s only staying for the kids or the mortgage or because he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy.
And you believed him.
Because it made your role easier to accept.
You may not be the cause, but you’re now part of the betrayal.
You may not have lit the fire, but you’re standing there fanning the flames.
That’s not being blameless.
That’s being involved.
You’re an accomplice.
If a man is genuinely unhappy, the honorable thing to do is to address it within his marriage.
Talk, seek therapy, separate if he must.
But he doesn’t get to jump ship emotionally (and physically) while still wearing the ring.
And you?
You don’t get to wash your hands clean and say, “Well, it’s not like I broke them.”
Just picture his wife lying awake at night, thinking it’s her fault he’s distant, wondering why he doesn’t touch her anymore.
Trying to hold their family together while he’s in your bed, talking about how miserable he is.
So no, you’re not the problem.
But you’re not innocent either.
If he hasn’t done the inner work to fix or end his marriage, then running to you is just another form of avoidance.
If he can betray her with you, what makes you think he won’t betray you too?
2. “He’ll eventually leave his wife for me.”
I’ll agree…some men actually leave their wives for the other woman.
They do.
But sis, let’s not act like it’s the norm.
It’s the exception, not the rule.
And even when they do leave, it’s not always the fairy tale ending you think it’ll be.
See, when a man tells you he’s planning to leave, but somehow months and years keep passing with nothing changing, that’s not a plan.
That’s a pacifier.
It’s the sweet little hope he dangles in front of you to keep you holding on….waiting, wishing, wasting time.
He’s still attending family functions, still going on vacations with his wife “for the kids,” still keeping up appearances.
But with you?
He’s whispering about how unhappy he is, how misunderstood he feels, how he just needs a little more time.
How long is “a little more time”?
Because if you’re honest, he’s probably said the same line for a while now.
And every time you raise the conversation, he gives you just enough crumbs to keep you hoping, yet never enough to actually commit.
See, when a man really wants to leave his marriage, he doesn’t need motivation from the other woman.
He leaves because he’s done, period.
But when he’s stringing you along?
That’s convenience.
He gets the comfort of home and the thrill of escape.
He gets loyalty from both sides while giving neither of you the whole truth.
If he hasn’t left her by now, it’s because he doesn’t want to.
Or he wants both worlds and has no intention of choosing.
So while you’re waiting for him to come around, you’re pausing your own life.
You’re holding space for someone who’s already taken, while someone who could love you fully is passing you by.
Don’t be the woman who believed empty promises and lost precious years to a love triangle that was never meant to be a love story.
3. “We’re in love. Real love. Not like what he has at home.”
I’m not naive.
I know some people actually fall in love with someone who’s already married.
It happens.
Emotions don’t always follow rules.
Life is messy, hearts are unpredictable, and sometimes people find connection in the most complicated places.
But here’s what I’ll say to that:
Falling in love doesn’t make it right.
A lot of mistresses believe their love is different.
More passionate.
More understanding.
It’s easy to feel deeply connected when you’re only seeing someone at their best.
When he’s freshly showered, shaved, venting about his nagging wife, and calling you his peace.
But you’re not seeing him handle bills, raise kids, or deal with the mundane parts of life that come with a real relationship.
You’re not in the trenches with him.
And please don’t use his marital problems as your evidence.
You’re only hearing his version.
You haven’t heard hers.
You haven’t lived their full story.
He’s in love with you while still lying to his wife.
He’s in love while betraying someone else’s trust.
So what happens when that love is now yours to keep fully?
Will you trust a man who was fully capable of sneaking around and calling it love?
Will you be able to sleep knowing that the way he got with you was through dishonesty and a double life?
True love doesn’t ask one woman to cry so another can smile.
So yes, feelings may be real.
But real love isn’t just about emotion; it’s about integrity, timing, and truth.
And if it was really meant to be, it wouldn’t have to be stolen.
4. “His marriage was already over before I came along.”
Maybe it’s true.
Maybe the marriage was already dry, dead, and dragging.
But sis, emotionally unavailable is not the same as legally single.
A man saying his marriage is over doesn’t make it so.
Until papers are signed and boundaries are clearly set, he’s still married.
And if he was truly done, why does he need to narrate the downfall of his marriage to justify being with you?
Why does he need your validation to exit a relationship he claims is lifeless?
If it’s really over, it ends before a new one begins.
Not during. Not alongside. Not in secret.
Some women hold on to this belief to soothe their conscience.
It feels easier to say, “I didn’t break anything; it was already broken.”
But that’s like seeing a cracked window and smashing through it with a brick; you didn’t create the crack, but you sure helped it shatter.
People in unhappy marriages don’t always want to fix them, but they also don’t want to lose their comfort and image.
So they hover in limbo.
And you become the sweet escape that makes staying bearable, not leaving necessary.
He tells you it’s over.
But he’s still coming home.
Still attending anniversaries (even if he claims it’s just for show).
Still showing up to school events and family functions as a unit.
“If it’s over, why is he still in it?”
Until he leaves completely: mentally, emotionally, legally, you’re not the next chapter.
You’re the distraction from one he’s refusing to finish.
5. “His wife doesn’t understand him like I do.”
Oh, the wife he’s spent years with, probably has kids with, built a whole life with…suddenly doesn’t understand him.
But you?
You, who’s only seen his sweet side in stolen moments, you understand him deeply?
Hehehe!
Okay, sis!
See, this is one of the most overused lines in the married man’s playbook.
“I can’t talk to her the way I talk to you.”
“She always criticizes me.”
“She doesn’t get me.”
“She’s cold now. I feel seen with you.”
And just like that, you’re cast as the savior; the woman who finally gets him.
Anyone can look like a better listener when they’re not doing life with someone.
You’re not nagging about bills.
You’re not in his space 24/7.
You’re not reminding him to fix the sink or help with homework.
You’re the soft place he lands when he’s tired of reality, because you’re not his reality.
It’s not hard to understand a man when the relationship exists in fantasy.
What happens when you’re the one waking up next to him every day?
When he starts being cold with you?
Will the understanding still feel so magical then?
Also, why is he not doing the work to be understood at home?
Relationships take work, therapy, communication, sacrifice.
But instead of doing the hard stuff in his marriage, he’s finding comfort in the arms of someone else.
And that’s not emotional maturity.
That’s emotional cowardice.
If he feels misunderstood, he should be in counseling.
He should be talking to his wife.
He should be digging into the mess, not escaping it.
You don’t become the better woman by simply being the alternative.
You’re not his soulmate just because he vents to you.
You’re not a better listener just because you haven’t lived through the same pressure his wife has.
At the end of the day, no woman sets out saying, “I want to be the other woman.”
Sometimes it starts small.
An innocent conversation.
A man who seems broken but gentle.
A story that pulls at your empathy.
And before you know it, you’re emotionally invested in something that was never yours to begin with.
Some mistresses believe they’re special.
That their story is different and they’re not the villain.
But they know within them that it’s not sustainable.
A relationship built on secrets and pain will never bring lasting peace.
If you’ve found yourself in that space, this post is not to shame you.
It’s to wake you.
So if any of these beliefs have been keeping you stuck, this is your nudge to let them go.
Because clarity is the first step to healing, and you deserve healing.