In an ideal world, good women wouldn’t stay with men who hurt them, except that they are masochists who find pleasure in pain.
However, even in an ideal world, masochists wouldn’t exist, because for the life of me, I cannot understand someone wanting pain when the alternative is pleasure.
But that’s not the topic for today, so let’s not divert it.
What we are concerned about is why a woman would stay with a man who is obviously wrong for her well-being.
I have encountered some of those women in my lifetime, and I used to treat them with so much disdain when I was younger.
Then, I grew up, and I came to realize life is not always black and white.
Sometimes, people know what’s good for them and even want what’s good for them, but that’s not always enough to do what’s good for them.
But before I give it all away now, let’s go on to look at those reasons more detailly.
8 Reasons Why Good Women Stay With Men Who Keep Hurting Them
1. Low Self-Esteem
The first, and perhaps most obvious, reason a good woman stays with a man who keeps hurting her is that she has low self-esteem.
When a woman doesn’t believe she deserves better, she’s more likely to tolerate bad behavior, because to her, that’s the behavior she deserves.
I roomed with a lady in my final year of University, and I remember being angry at her for staying with her abusive boyfriend.
We (I and the other roommates – it was a school hostel) dealt with several wounds in that one year of being with her and had to vouch for her many times that she was in the room with us and not out cheating.
I remember ridiculous times when he would refuse to believe she was in the room because it was quiet, and she would be trying to convince him that we weren’t noisy all the time.
I mean, we spoke and had fun at times, but sometimes, we were busy.
We were in school after all, with papers to write, books to study, and assignments to submit.
So, of course, there would be times when the room would be deathly quiet with everyone doing their own thing.
At those times, though, we would have to speak out for her sake so he could hear us over the phone that she was indeed in the room.
Imagine my frustration in dealing with that.
However, I came to find out her dad was also possessive and abusive to her mom before he passed, and that changed my orientation.
I began to feel a little compassion; that obviously formed her perception of life and herself.
Unfortunately, her idea of a relationship is toxic.
She lived in a home where it was normal for a woman to be put down and abused.
And so, she likely felt that was the best she could get.
I don’t know if she eventually left the guy, as we lost contact when we left school.
But I hope so.
Anyway, I say that to say, there are many women like that who stay with bad men because they feel that’s all there is to a relationship.
In fact, she might even blame herself for his behavior, especially if the guy is manipulative or a narcissist.
So, instead of walking away, she stays, hoping she can somehow fix things or earn his love.
2. Fear Of Being Alone
As someone who spent years being single, I can tell you for free that it was not the easiest phase in my life.
However, I had a relatively healthy background and was surrounded by healthy relationships that I was unwilling to settle.
For me, getting it wrong was not an option, so I was comfortable being single until I got it right.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone.
For some people, loneliness can feel scarier than being in a toxic relationship.
The idea of sleeping alone, eating alone, or showing up to events solo might be more terrifying than staying with someone who mistreats them.
It doesn’t help that society romanticizes having someone, even if that someone is damaging.
So, instead of facing the silence that comes with leaving, they stay, convincing themselves it’s better than nothing.
3. Fear Of The Unknown
Leaving a hurtful relationship often means stepping into uncertainty, and that’s tough for some.
I’ve heard women say things like, “What if it doesn’t get better? What if I end up worse off? Or the most common, “What if the next man is worse?”
These “what ifs” sound like excuses to me, but the fear is real for many women.
She might know she’s not happy, but at least she knows this pain.
It’s a case of “the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know.”
Again, I think that’s hogwash and will pick the latter, but not many women have the strength to risk the unknown.
4. Financial Insecurity
This is probably one of the most common reasons good women stay with men who hurt them.
Money does play a huge role in why some women stay.
He who pays the piper controls the tune – those are not my words, and they are very real.
If the man controls the finances, or the woman doesn’t have a stable income, walking away might mean homelessness or struggling to feed her kids or herself.
Some women are stay-at-home moms or have chosen to leave their careers to support their partners.
And some, honestly, were comfortable being taken care of financially.
But the problem is that the financial dependency has now become a trap, where she doesn’t feel she has options.
Now, it’s not about love or pain, but survival.
It’s easy to say “just leave” from the outside, but without financial stability, leaving can feel impossible.
Because realistically, you need money to leave.
And this is why having a stable source of income is vital for women.
5. Belief That The Abuser Will Change
Yep, some stay because they truly believe he’ll change.
They remember the sweet moments, the apologies, and the promises, and have decided to see it through.
Most times, the man has led them to believe he is the way he is because he is struggling.
He has told them he needs help, even though he never actually finds some, so they’ve been led to believe their love will somehow fix him.
The issue is not that change isn’t possible; it is, but only if he wants it, works for it, and follows through with it.
A woman may not see efforts to change and still stay though, because they are likely with a manipulator who knows what to say to make them think little or no effort is enough to keep up hope.
6. Societal Pressure
As I mentioned earlier, I was single for about five years, from my late twenties to early thirties.
At this time, most of my friends were coupled up – either married or in serious relationships.
Besides that, there are movies, aunties at weddings, and even parents reminding you that time is ticking.
Therefore, if one is not strong, it is easy to stick it out in any relationship, no matter what.
In fact, society praises women for enduring, for being “ride or die,” and for keeping the family together.
This is especially if a woman you know who has been beaten or cheated on for years finally gets the ring.
Suddenly, everyone becomes a preacher about being patient and waiting it out, and you will be “rewarded” with a ring.
To ignore this level of pressure is not always easy.
That’s why many good women will want to try harder even when they are hurting.
They want to stay to keep up appearances because they cannot handle the raised eyebrows people throw at them, implying that they cannot keep a man.
7. Lack Of Support System
It’s hard to leave when you feel like you have no one to lean on.
It is possible that her friends and family have pulled away because she didn’t leave when they told her to.
Or maybe she even did the pulling away because he told her to, which is common with abusive men.
Whatever the case, without a support system, a woman can feel isolated and too overwhelmed to start over.
Everybody needs that person in their corner who is encouraging them and holding them down as they make such a big decision.
And that’s why community matters.
If someone doesn’t have that, it’s no wonder they find it difficult to leave.
8. Cycle Of Abuse
Abuse isn’t always constant; it often comes in waves.
One moment he’s loving, the next he’s cruel.
Then he brings in the apology, the gifts, and the promises to never do it again.
In such a toxic loop, it is harder than it looks to escape, because that cycle messes with her mind, making her question reality.
She will keep asking herself if he is really that bad or if she is overreacting, because truly, he has his “loving” moments.
It will take a great level of self-awareness or someone else she trusts looking from the outside to see that cycle.
If not, she will likely continue to stay trapped.