My husband once told me I was controlling.
To be honest, I was shocked because… I’m not trying to blow my trumpet, but I’m a gentle woman. lol
But then, if my husband, who knew me more than anyone, said I was a controlling wife, I better believe him.
As I wrote this article, I had to admit that I was, and I still am, guilty of some of these traits.
So, I’m not here to bash wives or make you feel terrible about yourself.
Nah, I see myself in these signs too.
In our defense, most controlling behavior doesn’t come from a place of malice or rebellion, as many husbands believe.
It stems from love, fear, anxiety, or simply a desire for things to work out perfectly.
However, good intentions don’t make controlling behavior any less damaging to your marriage.
If you’re doing any of these things, your husband probably feels suffocated, and you might not even realize you’re the one holding the rope around his neck.
7 Signs You’re a Controlling Wife (And You Don’t Even Know It)
1. You Monitor His Activities Like He’s on Parole
The world is getting crazier by the day, and honestly, it’s noble to want to know your man is safe out there, so wanting to check in is not a crime.
But when your “checking in” starts to feel like he’s on parole and you’re his assigned case officer, we have a problem, sis.
You want to know:
Where he is.
Who he’s with
What time he’ll be home
Why his WhatsApp was online at 11:02 am, but he didn’t reply you
Why there was a 45-second pause before he picked up your call
Why a woman laughed in the background of a voice note
Why he liked his cousin’s friend’s sister’s Instagram post from two years ago…
Sis… breathe.
There’s looking out for your man, and then there’s surveillance mode.
Out of love and care, you might be doing the latter without even realizing it.
Trust doesn’t eliminate curiosity, but it silences paranoia.
If you find yourself constantly checking his location, going through his phone, checking who followed him today, listening closely to background sounds during calls, you’re saying you don’t trust him unless you can control what he does.
And this builds resentment, even in good men.
Let’s assume he has given you reasons in the past to be suspicious, then that’s a conversation for both of you because trust doesn’t grow in shady soil.
But if he hasn’t done anything to make you doubt him, and you’re still controlling, it’s time to check yourself.
You don’t want a relationship where your man is faithful out of fear.
You want a man who’s faithful because he’s free and still chooses you daily.
So yes, check in.
Ask questions.
Protect your peace.
But don’t monitor him like he’s on house arrest.
Even love needs room to breathe.
2. You Shut Down His Attempts to Address Your Controlling Behavior
Most men will not tell their wives they’re controlling.
Are you kidding me?
Have you met controlling women?
They don’t take feedback.
Look, I know I could be a bit controlling, but I’m not unreasonable.
And you probably aren’t either.
But when you shut your husband down the moment he tries to express himself, what you’re really doing is confirming his worst fear: that you’re not just controlling, you’re emotionally unavailable for accountability.
So, because he’s a gentleman, he keeps quiet because he doesn’t want to fight.
But that doesn’t mean he’s not bottling it up.
Because what’s the point of talking if you won’t listen?
Yeah, he may still love you deeply, but now that you’ve proved unagreeable, he might emotionally check out.
Believe me, this is the danger zone in marriage: when a man feels he can’t be honest with his wife without paying for it later with silent treatment, anger, mood swings, or manipulation.
3. You Constantly Correct Him in Public
You know what?
As a parent, I don’t always correct my children in public, especially when it can wait.
Of course, children can be so annoying sometimes.
And there are times, in fact, most times, you’ll have to show them who gave birth to whom.
But even then, I pick my battles.
Not every public setting is the place for correction, especially if it will embarrass them or make them feel small.
If I’m giving my own children that grace, why should my husband, a grown man who left his own mother’s house to be with me, be getting dragged like a toddler in front of others?
And if you constantly correct him in public, chances are you also correct him in private. A lot.
You’ve become the quality control officer of the marriage.
And yes, you may be right most times (we women usually are 😌), but there’s a way to correct with love… and there’s a way that just chips away at a man’s dignity.
4. You Need to Approve Everything He Does
Your husband absolutely should be accountable to you.
Y’all are married, not roommates.
You’re building something together, and that means major decisions get made together.
But some women have taken this to a whole different level.
I’m talking about needing to approve everything he does…
What he wears to work, which route he takes to the grocery store, having opinions about what he orders when he goes out to lunch with his coworkers, requiring him to ask permission before he texts his own brother back, and so much more.
You think it sounds ridiculous, but you probably haven’t met some controlling women.
Then you’d know this is some men’s reality.
They cannot do anything, no matter how simple, without their wives’ approval.
So, if your husband is walking around asking “Is it okay if I…” for every little thing he does, either you’ve trained him to believe he needs your permission for basic adult activities, or he’s so conflict-averse that he’d rather ask than risk disagreeing with you.
Neither situation is healthy.
Look, there are absolutely things your husband should discuss with you before making decisions.
Spending a huge amount of money?
Yeah, talk to your wife first.
Making plans that affect the family schedule?
Definitely a conversation.
But choosing what to have for lunch?
Come on now.
The goal is to have a husband who considers your feelings and keeps you in the loop, not one who can’t function without your constant approval.
Because here’s what happens when you control everything – you don’t get a partner, you get a dependent.
And then you’ll be complaining about having to make every decision while he’s standing there waiting for instructions like a lost puppy.
Trust your man to handle basic adult tasks without your supervision.
Save your energy for the decisions that actually matter.
5. You Make Decisions for Both of You Without Consulting Him
This one might sound contradictory to the previous point, but hear me out.
Sometimes, controlling wives swing between these two extremes: either they need to approve everything he does, or they make all the decisions themselves without even asking what he thinks.
You book the vacation spot without asking where he’d like to go.
You choose the restaurant for date night because he never knows what he wants anyway.
You decide what color to paint the living room, what car to buy, where the kids go to school, and what time the family should leave for church.
In your mind, you’re being efficient.
You’re getting things done while he’s probably overthinking or procrastinating.
But what you’re actually doing is treating him like his opinion doesn’t matter.
You’re saying that your preferences are more important than his, and that you can’t be bothered to include him in decisions that affect both of you.
Even if you genuinely make better decisions than he does, marriage isn’t about who makes the best choices.
It’s about making choices together.
When you consistently make decisions without him, you’re training him to be passive in his own life.
And then you’ll wonder why he doesn’t take initiative or why he seems disengaged from the family.
It’s because you’ve shown him that his input isn’t needed or valued.
You’ve made yourself the CEO of the marriage and demoted him to an employee who just follows orders.
True confession: this is the one I’m most guilty of.
6. You Have Strong Opinions About Everything He Does
You care about your husband, and you want the best for him.
But when you have a strong opinion about everything he does, you’re essentially telling him that nothing he does is good enough without your input.
Having opinions is normal; in fact, you should because wives are usually smarter. lol.
Yeah, we all have thoughts about how things could be done better, but sharing every single opinion you have about every single thing he does?
That’s exhausting.
For both of you.
You’ll make him feel like he can’t do anything right, and you start to feel frustrated because he’s not taking your “helpful” suggestions.
You begin to see each other as adversaries instead of teammates.
Pick your battles, sis.
Not every observation needs to be shared, and not every suggestion needs to be given.
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is bite your tongue and let him figure things out his own way.
Even if his way takes longer and is messier.
Even if you know a better way.
7. You Use Emotional Manipulation to Get What You Want
This is the one that makes me cringe the most because it’s so subtle that you might not even realize you’re doing it.
Emotional manipulation in marriage doesn’t look like the dramatic scenes you see in movies.
It looks like using your emotions as a weapon to get your way.
When he doesn’t do what you want, you get quiet and withdrawn until he asks what’s wrong.
When he wants to go out with friends, you don’t say no directly; you just mention how tired you are, how much you need help with the kids, or how you were hoping for some quality time together.
That’s manipulation.
You’re using his love for you and his desire to keep you happy as leverage to control his behavior.
And it works.
Which is why you keep doing it.
If you recognize yourself in any of these signs, take a deep breath.
You’re not a terrible person.
Most controlling behavior comes from caring too much, not too little.
If you didn’t care, your husband can do whatever he likes for all you care.
But then, you can’t control your way to a happy marriage.
The tighter you hold on, the more likely he is to pull away.
The more you try to manage and perfect everything, the less room there is for him to be himself in your relationship.
And a man who feels controlled and suffocated isn’t going to be the loving partner you actually want.
So What Do You Do If This Is You?
Start small.
Pick one area where you’ve been controlling and consciously step back.
Let him make a decision without your input.
Bite your tongue when he does something differently than you would.
I’m still learning to do this because I have the urge to always tell my husband he could have said something differently.
Ask for his opinion instead of telling him what you think he should do.
And most importantly, if he’s told you that he feels controlled, believe him.
When my husband told me this, I initially felt attacked.
But then, I considered it.
Yes, I love being in control because I enjoy making my decisions, and I make pretty good decisions. Lol.
But marriage is a partnership; I can’t keep making decisions like a single woman.
That’s one of the challenges of marriage.
You can’t make decisions, even if they’re good, without considering your partner.
So, just listen to your husband and start making changes.
Your marriage is supposed to be a partnership between two adults who respect each other’s autonomy and judgment.
If it feels more like a parent-child relationship with you in charge, be honest with yourself and make some changes.
Because the goal isn’t to have a perfectly managed husband.
The goal is to have a happy marriage with a man who chooses to be with you because he loves you, not because you’ve made it impossible for him to make any other choice.
And trust me, there’s a big difference between the two.