Marriage is supposed to be your safe space.
The place where you can be yourself, recharge, relax, find comfort, and feel supported through life’s challenges.
I mean, nobody would get married if they knew marriage would drain their mental health.
So, this is an absurd situation.
Marriage is challenging, yeah, but it’s not supposed to drain your mental health.
9 Signs Your Marriage is Draining Your Mental Health (And What to Do About It)
1. You Feel Anxious About Going Home
If things are great between you and your spouse, no matter how much you love your job, you would always be excited to go home.
Because you can’t wait to tell your spouse all about your day, and just spend time with them.
Your home should be your sanctuary, the place where you can finally relax and be yourself.
But if you find yourself feeling anxious, stressed, or even dreading going home to your spouse, that’s trouble.
Maybe you sit in your car for a few extra minutes before going inside, trying to mentally prepare yourself for whatever mood you’ll find your partner in.
I usually spend some time in my car before stepping out into the house just to enjoy some peace and quiet, not because I have a terrible marriage.
When you are in a mentally-draining marriage, you’ll feel your stomach tighten as you pull into your driveway, wondering what kind of atmosphere will greet you.
You might even enjoy working late or making excuses to stay out longer because home doesn’t feel peaceful anymore.
And of course, you feel more relaxed and happy when your spouse isn’t around.
This anxiety about your own home is your nervous system telling you that you don’t feel safe in your most intimate relationship.
It’s your body’s way of saying that this environment is causing you stress, not relieving it.
2. You’ve Lost Yourself Completely
Remember who you were before this marriage?
Your interests, your personality, your dreams, your sense of humor, your confidence?
Everything that makes you you.
If you can barely recognize that person anymore, your marriage might be slowly erasing you.
Yes, marriage will challenge you in a way that will make you change some things about yourself, but overall, it should enhance who you are, not erase you.
Perhaps you once loved painting, but you stopped because your spouse made comments about it being a waste of time or messy.
I can’t imagine my husband telling me my writing is trash and I should get a real job.
I’m lucky to have a man who believed in what I was doing, and I proved him right by being a success at it.
Maybe you were once outgoing and social, but now you rarely see friends because your spouse doesn’t like them or makes you feel guilty for spending time with them.
Perhaps you used to have strong opinions and weren’t afraid to express them, but now you agree with whatever your spouse says to avoid conflict.
I know women who used to dress so confidently and beautifully, but now wear clothes that do not flatter them, all to prevent invoking their husband’s wrath.
I’m not saying a married woman should dress indecently.
No.
I believe you can be modest and attractive.
A good partner should love and encourage the real you, not try to reshape you into someone else entirely.
3. You Can’t Remember the Last Time You Felt Truly Happy
You won’t always be happy, even as a single person.
So you shouldn’t expect to always be happy in a marriage.
Life/adulting isn’t a walk in the park.
Even though life has its challenges and marriage requires work, you should still experience regular moments of joy, laughter, excitement, and contentment.
If your marriage is consistently draining these positive emotions from your life, something is very wrong.
When was the last time you were happy?
Not just content, not just fine, but genuinely happy.
When was the last time you laughed until your stomach hurt?
When did you last feel that joyful feeling that makes you grateful to be alive?
When did you last feel excited about something, anything?
If you’re struggling to answer these questions, and if the rare moments of happiness you experience happen when your spouse isn’t around, that’s a serious problem.
4. Your Physical Health is Suffering
Mental health and physical health are deeply connected, and a toxic marriage can literally make you sick.
A family friend who got separated from her husband told me she developed high blood pressure due to her toxic marriage.
Your body keeps score of every stressful interaction, every sleepless night, every moment of anxiety.
You might be experiencing headaches that won’t go away, stomach issues that doctors can’t explain, insomnia, or constant fatigue even when you’re getting enough sleep.
Some women develop skin problems, hair loss, or unexplained weight gain or loss.
Your immune system might be weakened, leaving you catching every bug that goes around.
Chronic stress from a bad marriage can cause inflammation in your body, mess with your hormones, and put you at risk for serious health problems.
I’ve seen women who looked years older than their age because of the stress from their marriages.
And then, when they finally got out of or fixed their situation, they literally transformed back to looking like themselves again.
Your body is trying to tell you something.
Listen to it.
5. You’re Walking on Eggshells All the Time
You’ve become an expert at reading your spouse’s moods.
You can tell from the way they close the door, how they set down their keys, or the look on their face what kind of evening you’re in for.
And you’ve learned to adjust your entire behavior accordingly.
If they seem irritated, you become extra quiet and careful.
If they’re in a good mood, you try to keep them that way by being extra agreeable.
You monitor your own words, actions, and even facial expressions to avoid setting them off.
You find yourself rehearsing conversations before having them, trying to predict how they’ll react.
You’ve stopped bringing up things that matter to you because you don’t want to deal with their response.
This is no way to live.
Marriage should feel like freedom to be yourself, not a place where you’re constantly trying to avoid triggering your spouse’s negative reactions.
You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells in your own home.
6. You Feel Isolated from Friends and Family
One of the things that makes life livable for us is a solid support system.
So, a healthy marriage should expand your support system, not shrink it.
But if your marriage is draining your mental health, you’d become more and more isolated.
Maybe your spouse doesn’t like your family and friends, or they get upset when you spend time with them.
For the sake of peace, you have to stay away from them.
You might even be isolating yourself because you’re embarrassed about your marriage situation and don’t want anyone to see what’s really going on.
That’s why you make excuses for why you can’t go out and why you can’t have people over.
You also decline their invitations because they ask too many questions about your spouse or your marriage, and you don’t have the energy to pretend everything is fine.
Isolation makes everything worse.
When you lack outside perspectives and support, it becomes more challenging to view your situation objectively.
You start to think that maybe this is just how marriage is supposed to be.
But it’s not.
7. You Constantly Question Your Own Reality
This is called gaslighting, and it’s one of the most terrible things that can happen to you in a marriage.
Your spouse makes you feel like you’re going crazy, like you can’t trust your own perceptions or memories.
They deny things they said or did, even when you know exactly what happened.
They minimize your feelings and tell you you’re being too sensitive or dramatic.
They twist situations to make you feel like you’re the problem, even when you know you’re not.
You find yourself constantly second-guessing yourself.
Did that conversation really happen the way I remember it?
Am I being too sensitive?
Am I the crazy one here?
You might even start keeping a journal or taking screenshots of conversations because you don’t trust your own memory anymore.
This kind of psychological manipulation ruins your mental health.
When you can’t trust your own reality, you lose confidence in everything else about yourself.
8. You’ve Stopped Planning for the Future
One of the reasons I was scared of marriage was that I didn’t want a marriage that would make me lose sight of my dreams.
I had so much I wanted to achieve, and I know a toxic marriage can so drain your energy that you would have little or no energy left to pursue any dreams.
When your marriage is draining your mental health, you go into survival mode.
You stop thinking about dreams or plans because you’re too busy just trying to get through each day.
You once had ambitions, things you wanted to accomplish, places you wanted to visit, and experiences you wanted to have.
But now you can’t even imagine what next month will look like, let alone next year.
You’ve stopped making plans because you never know what mood your spouse will be in or what crisis might come up.
You’ve given up on dreams because your spouse doesn’t support them or because you don’t have the emotional energy to pursue them.
Living without hope for the future is a clear sign that your mental health is suffering.
9. You’re Constantly Trying to Fix or Change Your Spouse
It’s admirable to want your marriage to improve/desire to be a better spouse, while hoping your spouse becomes better as well.
But in a marriage that is draining your mental health, the results aren’t the same.
In a toxic marriage, you become obsessed with finding the magic combination of words, actions, or behaviors that will make your spouse treat you better.
You read relationship books, watch YouTube videos, try new communication techniques, all in an effort to crack the code of your marriage.
You think if you can just love them better, support them more, understand them deeper, be more patient, they’ll finally become the partner you need them to be.
You’re exhausting yourself trying to be the perfect partner, so they’ll have no reason to treat you poorly.
But you can’t love someone into changing.
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
And you’re destroying your own mental health in the process.
What to Do About It
If you recognize yourself in these signs, please know that you’re not crazy, but you need to take action to protect your mental health.
Start with yourself.
Get therapy, even if your spouse won’t go with you.
You need someone who can help you see your situation clearly and develop healthy coping strategies.
Reconnect with your support system.
Reach out to friends and family, even if it’s been a while.
You need people in your corner who love and support you.
Document what’s happening.
Keep a journal of incidents, conversations, and how they make you feel.
This will help you see patterns and trust your own reality.
Set boundaries.
You can’t control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it.
Learn to say no, be firm when necessary, walk away from toxic conversations, and protect your energy.
Consider your options.
This might mean couples counseling if your spouse is willing, a trial separation, or, in some cases, divorce.
Don’t stay in a marriage that’s destroying your mental health out of fear or obligation.
Take care of your physical health.
Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep.
Your body needs extra support when you’re dealing with chronic stress.
Rediscover yourself.
Start doing things you love again, even in small ways.
Remember who you are outside of this marriage.
Look, I’m not telling you to run out and file for divorce tomorrow.
Every situation is different, and some marriages can be saved with the right help and commitment from both people.
But what I am telling you is that a marriage that drains your mental health will ruin you.
Life is not a bed of roses, but you can still wake up excited about your life, not dreading it.