For the longest time, I thought sexual attraction was something everyone experienced.
Like, it was just part of being human.
You see someone fine or your spec, your body reacts, your thoughts wander, and boom, desire!
That’s how it’s supposed to work… or so we’ve always believed.
But what happens when that doesn’t happen for you?
What happens when everyone else is raving about how “hot” someone is and you’re just sitting there thinking, “Yeah, they’re good-looking, but I’m not trying to jump their bones”?
For some people, that’s not confusion, repression, brokenness; that’s just… them.
That’s asexuality.
Asexuality is not a phase.
It’s not a trauma response.
It’s not a hormone issue (though it’s okay to check, just to be sure).
It’s a situation where someone experiences little to no sexual attraction to others.
And the thing is, many people who are asexual don’t even know there’s a word for what they feel.
They just think they’re weird, cold, broken, or not trying hard enough.
If that’s you, I want you to take a deep breath because in this post, I’m sharing eight signs that you might be asexual.
This is not to put anyone in a box, but to offer clarity and maybe even comfort for someone who has been trying to make sense of their experience.
8 Signs You Might Be Asexual
1. You Don’t Really “Get” Sexual Attraction
When your friends talk about finding someone sexually attractive, you find yourself genuinely confused.
Like, you can recognize when someone is conventionally attractive; you’re not blind.
You can see that Chris Evans has nice features or that Zendaya is beautiful.
But that feeling of “I want to have sex with this person based on how they look”?
It’s foreign to you.
Your friends will see someone attractive and immediately start talking about what they’d like to do with them, and you’re sitting there thinking, “Based on… their face? That’s enough information for you?”
You might find yourself nodding along to these conversations while internally wondering what you’re missing.
It’s like everyone else is tasting something delicious while you’re eating the same food and tasting nothing special.
2. You Think Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction Are the Same Thing
For a long time, you might have assumed that the butterflies you feel around someone you have a crush on are sexual attraction.
But romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two different things.
Romantic attraction is the desire to date someone, hold their hand, spend time with them, possibly live together, and build a life together.
Sexual attraction is specifically wanting to engage in sexual activities with someone based on their physical presence.
Many asexual people experience strong romantic attraction.
They want the relationship, the emotional intimacy, the partner, just not necessarily the sexual component.
If you’ve always thought being attracted to someone meant wanting to date them rather than wanting to sleep with them, you might be asexual.
3. Sex Feels Like a Chore (Even When It’s Good)
This one’s tricky because even sexual people can sometimes feel like sex is a chore.
Sex is one of the most beautiful gifts of God to humanity, and as much as some of us love it, it can be tiring sometimes.
However, I’m talking about something entirely different.
Even when the sex is technically good, like your partner is really good in bed, you might even orgasm, it still feels like you’re going through the motions.
It’s like being hungry and eating a meal that’s perfectly fine, but you’re eating it because you know you should, not because you crave it.
You might enjoy the closeness with your partner, and the physical sensations might feel good, but there’s no internal drive pushing you toward it.
You do it because your partner wants to, because it’s “what couples do,” or because you know it’s vital for your relationship.
But if it were entirely up to you?
You’d probably skip it most of the time and not feel like you were missing anything.
4. You Don’t Initiate Sex (And You’re Fine With That)
Some people don’t initiate sex because they’re shy, have a lower libido, are dealing with an illness, are stressed, etc.
But that’s not your case.
You’re not nervous about initiating sex; it’s just that the thought doesn’t occur to you.
If it doesn’t cross your mind, how will you make a move?
Other people see their partner getting out of the shower and think, “Oh, that’s attractive, I want to have some.”
But you see your partner getting out of the shower, and you never think that.
Sexual initiation requires sexual desire, and if you don’t experience that internal push toward sex, why would you initiate it?
And you’re perfectly content with physical affection that doesn’t lead anywhere.
Cuddling, kissing, holding hands….these might feel more natural and satisfying to you than sexual activities.
5. You’ve Never Really Had a Type
Like, about everyone has a type.
I love my men talk, dark, and handsome.
I’m fortunate to have that. 😂😂😂
But for you, when people ask about your type, you draw a blank.
Everyone else seems to have preferences…. they like tall people, or musicians, or people with dark hair, or athletic builds.
You might say you prefer kind people or funny people, but those are personality traits, not physical ones.
The idea of having a physical type that you’re sexually drawn to doesn’t make sense because you don’t experience that physical pull toward anyone.
You might find certain people aesthetically pleasing, the way you’d appreciate a beautiful painting or a well-designed building, but it doesn’t translate into sexual desire.
6. Dating Apps Feel Impossible
We’re grateful for dating apps; without them, many of us would probably still be single, right?
Wrong.
At least, not if you’re asexual.
Swiping through dating apps feels like an exercise in futility when you don’t experience sexual attraction.
Everyone else seems to make decisions based on photos, but you’re looking at these pictures thinking, “This person seems nice, I guess?”
Like, I can see that this person has symmetrical features and good lighting, but how does that translate into “I want to date them”?
You can’t understand how people make snap judgments about sexual compatibility based on someone’s appearance.
You find yourself reading every single bio, trying to get a sense of someone’s personality, while everyone else is making decisions in three seconds based on looks alone.
Your friends are swiping rapid-fire through profiles, and you’re sitting there analyzing each person’s bio like you’re writing a research paper.
Meanwhile, your friend just swiped right on someone because “they’re hot,” and that was enough information.
The whole concept of “swiping right because someone’s hot” is foreign to you.
7. You Think Everyone Else Is Exaggerating About Sex
Have you noticed that people usually say something is overrated when they don’t enjoy it?
That’s why you think sex is overrated.
You wonder if people are thinking about sex as much as they claim.
All those jokes about men thinking about sex every seven seconds, all the references to sexual tension in movies, all the times your friends cancel plans because they want to stay in with their partner for “obvious reasons.”
Part of you wonders if everyone’s just playing up how pleasurable sex is because that’s what you’re supposed to do.
Like maybe it’s all performance and everyone’s secretly as indifferent as you are.
They’re not exaggerating.
Sexual people do think about and crave sex that much.
Yep, we do. 😁
8. You’ve Felt Broken or Wondered What’s Wrong With You
This is probably the most common sign.
We are taught that sexual attraction is a universal human experience, so not having it will definitely make you feel out of place.
You might have wondered if there’s something medically wrong with you, if you have hormone imbalances, if you’re depressed, if you just need to try harder to feel what everyone else seems to feel naturally.
You might have forced yourself into sexual situations, thinking you just needed more experience, or blamed yourself for not being normal.
Different Types of Asexuality
Because asexuality is a spectrum, you might relate to some of these signs but not others.
Here are some different ways people experience asexuality:
Gray-asexual (or graysexual)
You rarely experience sexual attraction, but it happens occasionally under specific circumstances.
Demisexual
You only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone, and I recommend this.
This is me too.
I can’t be sexually involved with someone without being emotionally involved first.
Sex-positive asexual
You don’t experience sexual attraction, but you enjoy sex for other reasons, maybe the physical sensations, the emotional intimacy, or making your partner happy.
Sex-neutral asexual
You don’t seek out sex, but you don’t mind it either.
It’s like being offered ice cream when you’re not craving it; you might say yes, you might say no, but either way is fine.
Sex-repulsed asexual
The idea of sex ranges from uninteresting to actively disgusting to you.
Being asexual doesn’t mean you can’t have fulfilling relationships.
Many asexual people are in happy relationships with both sexual and asexual partners.
It’s about communication, understanding, and finding someone whose needs are compatible with yours.
Some asexual people are willing to have sex for their partner’s sake.
Others prefer relationships where sex isn’t expected.
Some are in open relationships where their partner gets sexual needs met elsewhere; my faith doesn’t permit me to agree with this, so no, I don’t recommend it.
If you are asexual, the key is being honest about who you are and what you need, and finding someone who respects and understands that.
It’ll be unfair to have a hypersexual partner, who will be frustrated with being with you because of your opposing desires.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my god, this is me,” I want you to know that you’re not alone.
Being asexual doesn’t limit what you can achieve or how meaningful your life can be.
It just means you experience attraction differently from some other people.
Just be honest with yourself and your partner.