No one gets married hoping to divorce except those with ulterior motives.
Let’s not kid ourselves; some people are demonically strategic.
Away from those, let’s talk about normal couples who got married for the right reasons (even though that’s subjective, but you know what I mean).
Divorce is messy.
It’s expensive.
It’s painful and emotionally draining.
It’s complicated when you have kids, assets, families who love your spouse, and a whole life you’ve built together.
Sometimes it genuinely feels easier to just stay in a marriage that’s basically dead than to go through the hassle of ending it properly, and here are the signs you are doing the same:
9 Signs You’re Only Staying Married Because Divorce Seems Harder
1. You’ve Stopped Fighting… Because You Don’t Care Anymore
In every relationship problem, there are always two extremes: you’re either fighting like cats and dogs over every little thing, or you’ve reached that cold place where you don’t even bother anymore.
So, you are either fighting constantly or not fighting at all.
And not fighting at all is often the more dangerous sign.
When you love someone, you fight for the relationship.
You argue because you care about fixing things.
You get upset because their actions matter to you.
If you’re at that point where your spouse does something hurtful and you just… sigh, roll your eyes, and move on like it’s weather news, that’s not peace.
People think this is maturity, but it’s actually emotional death.
It’s not good.
The scary part is that this feels peaceful compared to the constant conflict you might have had before.
But peace built on indifference isn’t peace at all; it’s just two people coexisting in the same space without actually living together.
Indifference is worse than anger.
Anger means you still care, you still want something to change, you’re still emotionally involved.
But when you go from “Why did you say that to me?” to “Whatever.”
You’ve emotionally checked out.
You’re just there because walking away seems harder.
Harder than what?
Than telling the kids, facing your church members, facing your families, restarting life, and answering the “what happened?” questions.
So you stay, because apathy is easier than paperwork.
2. You Daydream About a Different Life…..More Than You Actually Live the One You Have
Every married person has had a moment of “God, what if I had married XYZ instead?” Or “What if I had waited?”
That’s normal.
You wonder if you’d have had a better marriage with your ex when your spouse is acting like the weapon fashioned against you.
Marriage is hard work, and we all wonder sometimes.
But when that thought becomes your mental vacation spot, there’s a problem.
When you catch yourself scrolling through Instagram and fantasizing about being single again, or falling asleep imagining a life where you’re free, at peace, and no longer emotionally drained, that’s not just a passing thought.
That’s your soul tapping you on the shoulder.
That’s your body still showing up in a marriage your mind left years ago.
3. You’re More Worried About How It Would Look Than How It Feels
We live in a world where marriage is performance art.
Everyone is trying to look happy…. for social media, for their families, for their church, for their in-laws.
That’s why I sometimes take a break from social media and enjoy my real life.
I don’t want to do whatever I do…. dressing up, writing, taking photos, and creating videos for social media.
I just want to derive satisfaction from my work, life, and marriage without validation from strangers.
Because these days, some people are dying silently in marriages just to maintain an image and post couple pictures to keep haters quiet.
If your biggest fear about divorce is “what people will say” and not “how I’ll survive emotionally,” you’re not staying because the marriage is working; you’re staying because shame is loud.
And it’s even louder when your entire identity is tied to the title “wife.”
4. You’re Parenting Together, But Not Partnering
You know, whenever people say someone is a good parent, but they’re not a good spouse, I wonder how that is.
If you love your children, shouldn’t loving your spouse be one of the proofs of that?
But I’ve come to understand that life isn’t black and white.
So yeah, you and your spouse might be amazing co-parents.
The kids are fed, the school runs are done, the bills are paid, birthdays are celebrated.
But if that’s all you’re doing, parenting and managing logistics, then you’re not in a marriage anymore.
You’re in a business arrangement.
Some people stay married because they’re afraid of what separation will do to the kids.
And look, that fear is valid.
Children are deeply affected by divorce.
Because when two elephants fight, it’s grass that suffers.
Here, the kids are the grass.
But do you know what else affects children?
Growing up in a home where love is absent, tension is constant, and affection is foreign.
Kids notice things.
They pick up on vibes.
They sense coldness.
They feel it when Mummy and Daddy are just tolerating each other.
So if the only reason you’re still sharing a roof with your spouse is because of the children, it might be worth asking: are you teaching them what love looks like, or what endurance looks like?
5. You Fantasize About Them Leaving So You Don’t Have to
Some people won’t initiate divorce, but they secretly hope their partner will.
They fantasize about catching them cheating so they’ll have a “valid” reason to leave.
Or they pray their partner will wake up one day and say, “This isn’t working.”
That way, they don’t have to carry the shame of being the one who ended it.
If that’s you, you’re not in denial.
You’re just scared.
And it’s okay to admit that.
Sometimes it’s not the ending that’s terrifying, it’s being the one who ends it.
Because that comes with guilt, judgment, shame, and the weight of “You gave up.”
But is it really giving up if you’ve been the only one holding things together for years?
6. You Treat Yourself to Distractions Instead of Solutions
I learnt in nursing school that diversional therapy is one of the ways to help a patient manage pain.
Meaning when someone is in pain, sometimes you don’t take the pain away, you just give them something else to focus on.
Something else to keep their mind busy so they’re not completely consumed by the hurt.
We usually offer newspapers and TV in the hospitals where I worked to divert patients’ attention from their pain.
My mom usually says she watches movies to keep sad thoughts away.
This is exactly what a lot of people do in unhappy marriages.
They’re not fixing the pain.
They’re just numbing it.
So they pick up new hobbies, join new groups, volunteer for every church program, stay back at work longer than necessary, scroll endlessly on TikTok, binge-watch entire seasons on Netflix in two days, not because they’re passionate about any of it, but because those things keep them from thinking too much.
It’s like emotional Panadol.
Temporary and no cure.
You keep running from one thing to another so you don’t have to sit with your spouse… or worse, sit with yourself and face the truth you’ve been avoiding:
That your marriage is broken.
That you feel alone.
That you’re tired of pretending.
And that you’re only staying because the thought of tearing it all down feels heavier than the pain of dragging it along.
Coping is not healing.
Coping helps you get through the day.
Healing helps you reclaim your life.
7. You Get Jealous of People in Loving Marriages
You don’t say it out loud, of course not; that’d be witchcraft..
But when your friend gushes about her husband, a part of you aches.
Not because you don’t want her to be happy, you do.
But you remember what it felt like to be in a good marriage.
You scroll past wedding anniversary posts and think, “Let’s see how long it lasts.”
That bitterness is not who you are.
It’s who you’ve become from living in emotional drought for so long.
8. The Thought of Divorce Feels Like Freedom and Grief at the Same Time
You know that feeling when you’ve been carrying something heavy for so long, and someone offers to take it off your shoulders, and for a split second, you feel relief, but then your arms still feel the weight even after it’s gone?
That’s what the thought of divorce feels like for a lot of people.
It feels like freedom… and grief.
Freedom because you imagine waking up without the emotional heaviness.
No more tension in the house. No more fake smiles.
No more being married and lonely at the same time.
No more mental and emotional exhaustion.
But right next to that freedom is grief.
Because this wasn’t the plan.
You didn’t walk down the aisle thinking you’ll be Googling how to leave your partner one day.
You look at old photos, remember the dreams you both had, the baby names you picked out together, the inside jokes, the plans and promises, the way they used to look at you….
It’s like watching your favorite love song turn into background noise.
You can’t even sing along anymore.
And that’s what people don’t talk about enough… the fact that leaving a marriage isn’t just a decision.
It’s a death.
A death of dreams, memories, identity, promises, and history.
9. You’ve Stopped Hoping for Change
You used to pray.
You used to read books, try new things, initiate conversations, even talk, and ask for counseling.
Now, you don’t even try anymore.
You’ve accepted that this is it.
This is your portion.
No one gets married hoping to end up in this space where love is a memory and duty is the only thread holding things together.
But so many couples live here.
They laugh at parties.
They hold hands in church.
They take pictures together.
But when the lights go off and the kids are asleep, silence takes over.
If that’s you, I’m not telling you to leave or stay.
Only you can make that decision.
But don’t stay only because leaving is hard.
Hard doesn’t mean wrong.
And ease isn’t always proof that something is right.
Your peace and happiness matter.
And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for yourself, your children, and even your spouse is to be honest.