I’ve always said love is not enough.
Love is not enough to make a marriage work, and one of the virtues you’d need is tolerance.
I even wrote about it here.
However, there’s a difference between tolerating your spouse’s quirks and just tolerating your spouse as a person.
There’s a difference between “I love you even though you leave your socks on the bedroom floor” and “I’m stuck with you, so I might as well be civil about it.”
One is love with patience.
The other is resignation with good manners.
It’s being treated like a permanent houseguest who has overstayed their welcome, but can’t be asked to leave because it would be rude.
Your husband isn’t mean to you.
He’s not cruel or abusive.
He’s just… enduring you.
This is worse than anger.
Because at least anger means you still affect him.
Tolerance means you’ve become wallpaper-present, but completely ignorable.
Here are the signs your husband has stopped loving you and started just putting up with you:
6 Signs Your Husband Is Just Tolerating You
1. His Responses to You Are Polite But Empty
What can anyone have against politeness?
Nothing, really.
Except when it replaces genuine connection.
You know that tone customer service representatives use when they’re dealing with their 50th complaint of the day?
Exactly!
Professional. Pleasant. But completely devoid of any genuine emotion.
That’s how your husband talks to you now.
“How was your day?” you ask.
“Fine,” he says, not looking up from his phone.
“I was thinking we could try that new restaurant this weekend.”
“Sure, whatever you want.”
“My sister called, she’s going through a rough time with her husband.”
“Mm-hmm, that’s too bad.”
No follow-up questions.
No curiosity.
Just words that sound decent on paper but feel hollow in your chest.
He’s not being rude, but that’s what makes it more confusing.
Politeness without warmth isn’t kindness; it’s detachment with a smile.
It’s what people do when they don’t want to be accused of mistreating you, but still don’t want to get too close.
So yes, he may say “please” and “thank you,” and he may reply to your messages with “sure” and “ok,” but if everything he says feels like it could be sent to anyone else on earth without changing a thing, then you’re not being loved.
You’re being tolerated.
And that realization will keep you up at night more than any fight ever could.
2. He Never Initiates Physical Affection Anymore
When was the last time your husband reached for you first?
Not when you grabbed his hand or kissed him first.
Not when you leaned in for a hug or initiated sex.
Like when was the last time he was the one who wanted to touch you?
I’m referring to those subtle touches that occur without conscious thought.
Like him pulling you close while you’re cooking, reaching over to touch your leg while you’re watching TV, kissing your forehead when he walks past you…
Now, if you want some touch, you have to be the one to create it.
You reach for his hand, he doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t squeeze back either.
You try to cuddle on the couch, he tolerates it for exactly as long as politeness requires before finding a reason to get up.
It’s like living with someone who’s allergic to your touch but too polite to say so.
Funny thing is, when you initiate, he goes along with it just enough to avoid being accused of rejecting you.
Physical affection becomes something that happens to him, not something he participates in.
See, a man who loves you wants to touch you.
A man who tolerates you lets you touch him.
3. He Makes Plans Around You, Not With You
There’s a difference between “What do you want to do this weekend?” and “I’m going to….. You can come if you want.”
Your husband has shifted from including you in his life to accommodating you in his plans.
He’s no longer asking what you’d like to do together.
He’s informing you what he’s doing and offering you the option to tag along.
Like you’re a plus-one to your own marriage.
He sounds like someone who knows they’re supposed to include their wife but would honestly prefer not to.
You’ve become a social obligation rather than a desired companion.
And when you join him, you can feel his subtle impatience, like he’s counting down until he can drop you off at home and get back to his real life.
The life that apparently doesn’t naturally include you anymore.
4. He Only Comes Alive When He Needs Something
This one will make your blood boil once you notice it.
For weeks, he’s been Mr. Monosyllable.
Grunt responses, treating you like furniture that occasionally makes noise.
But suddenly, he needs you to do something for him, and like magic, personality appears.
Suddenly, he’s charming.
He sees your value and suddenly, you’re “babe” and “honey” again.
Until you’ve handled whatever he needed, and then it’s back to living like married roommates.
You realize you’ve become a service provider in your own marriage.
Useful when needed, ignored when not.
And he genuinely seems to think those moments of temporary charm make up for all the emotional neglect in between.
Like you should be grateful for the crumbs of attention he throws your way when he wants something.
5. Your Presence Doesn’t Change His Mood (In Either Direction)
If I enter a room where my husband is and he doesn’t react in any way, especially if it’s been a while since I’ve seen him, then there’s a problem.
If I’m acting all grumpy and moody, and he acts like he doesn’t notice, then we’d need to have a conversation because it’s absolutely not normal.
If I’m excited and he doesn’t get curious, aha! Fire of the mountain!
No matter how many years you’ve been married, you should still be able to affect your husband’s emotional temperature.
I don’t mean you should be responsible for his happiness, no, that’s not your job.
But your presence should register on his emotional radar in some way.
When you walk into a room, he should notice.
When you’re happy about something, it should at least make him curious about why.
When you’re upset, it should matter to him, even if he doesn’t know how to fix it.
But for a man who is only tolerating you, you could be having the best day of your life or the worst day of your year, and his response would be exactly the same: nothing.
Your emotions have become weather to him; something happening around him that he acknowledges but doesn’t really engage with.
Marriage is supposed to be the place where your feelings matter most, not where they matter least.
Friends wouldn’t do this to each other, let alone someone you have bared your body, soul, and spirit to.
6. You Can Feel Him Counting Down Until He Can Be Alone
There’s this energy that people give off when they’re waiting for you to leave.
You know it from overstaying your welcome at parties, from that friend who keeps checking their phone while you’re talking, from that coworker who’s clearly waiting for you to finish your story so they can get back to work.
If you are not someone who lacks emotional intelligence, you’ll always know when someone has had enough of you.
Your husband gives off that same energy.
Even when you’re just existing in the same space, doing your own thing, you can feel his subtle impatience with your presence.
He doesn’t say anything rude.
He doesn’t ask you to leave.
But his whole body language screams, “When is this interaction going to be over?”
He looks happy, even when he’s trying to hide it, when you mention going out with friends.
He seems relieved when you have work events or family obligations that take you away from home.
Like your very existence is something he has to tolerate rather than something that brings him joy.
So, What Do You Do? How Do You Go From Here?
Knowing your husband is only tolerating you is like finding out you’ve been living in a house built on sand.
Everything you thought was solid suddenly feels unstable.
And the first thing you want to do is fix it, right?
You want to become more interesting, more attractive, more worthy of his love again.
You’re thinking of planning romantic dinners, buying new outfits, initiating more conversations, and being extra helpful around the house.
Basically, you start auditioning for a role you already have; the role of wife.
But if he’s tolerating you, the problem isn’t that you’re not good enough.
The problem is that he’s already decided you’re not worth the effort.
And no amount of trying harder will change that decision for him.
So what do you actually do?
First, Stop Trying to Fix What You Didn’t Break
This isn’t about you being deficient.
This isn’t about you not being wife material.
This is about him choosing to check out of the marriage while still keeping the legal paperwork.
You didn’t make him stop loving you.
I understand that there may be issues.
But people don’t fall out of love because their spouse gained ten pounds, forgot to laugh at their jokes, or had a stressful week at work.
People fall out of love because they stop choosing love.
Every day, love is a choice.
And he’s been choosing indifference.
That’s on him, not you.
So, stop trying to be perfect enough to earn back affection that should be freely given.
Second, Have the Conversation (But Don’t Expect Miracles)
You need to name what’s happening.
Not in an accusatory way, but in a “this is what I’m experiencing” way.
Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re imagining things.
Trust what you feel.
Trust what you’ve observed and trust the evidence your heart has been collecting.
His response will tell you everything you need to know.
If he’s genuinely shocked and wants to work on things, there might be hope.
If he deflects, minimizes, or gets defensive without taking any responsibility, you have your answer.
If he says things like “You’re being dramatic,” or “I don’t know what you want from me,” or “I’m doing the best I can,” he’s telling you that your emotional needs are unreasonable expectations.
And that tells you exactly where you stand.
Third, Decide What You’re Willing to Accept
This is the hardest part.
Because you have to decide if you can live with tolerance instead of love.
Some women can.
Some women say,
“At least he’s not cheating,”
“At least he’s a good provider,”
“At least the kids have a stable home,”
”At least I’m still a Mrs.”
If that’s you, if you can genuinely find peace in a marriage where you are being tolerated, then make that choice with your eyes wide open.
But don’t lie to yourself about what you’re choosing.
Don’t convince yourself that this is just what marriage looks like after a certain number of years.
Because it’s not.
I know couples who have been married for decades who still light up when they see each other.
I know women whose husbands still love them, pursue them, still find them interesting, and still choose them every day.
So if you’re going to stay in a marriage where you’re being tolerated, own that choice.
Don’t stay and then spend the next ten years being bitter about it.
Don’t stay and make everyone around you miserable because you’re miserable.
Stay because you’ve decided that this version of marriage is enough for you.
Or leave because you’ve decided it’s not.
Fourth, If You Choose to Leave, Do It Right
Leaving a marriage where you’re being tolerated isn’t dramatic.
It’s not giving up, and it’s not being selfish.
It’s recognizing that you deserve more than someone’s leftovers.
But if you’re going to leave, do it strategically.
Get your finances in order.
Understand your legal rights.
Build your support system.
Make sure you’re leaving from a position of strength, not desperation.
And don’t leave hoping he’ll fight for you.
Don’t leave as a wake-up call or a manipulation tactic.
Leave because you’re done accepting tolerance as love.
Leave because you’d rather be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone.