For some, divorce is a path out of unpleasant married life, an intentional escape from dissatisfaction.
For some others, it is an experience in which they have found themselves against their will.
Neither the partner who initiated the divorce nor the partner who was served the divorce papers will find the divorce phase palatable.
The process and the life after are, more often than not, highly draining.
More so, couples who were married for a very long period would find it quite harder to get over the divorce.
Divorce could happen at any stage of the marriage.
People get divorced after fifteen, twenty, or thirty years.
For this set of people, the grief of a divorce could be likened to the grief of the death of a loved one; grieving the loss of a living loved one is a different kind of grief.
They have spent a very huge part of their lives being married, and they are probably no longer as agile and virile as before.
Their lives have been altered in a way they probably didn’t envisage.
Learning how to be single all over again, probably having to relocate to a new environment or having to remain in the same matrimonial house, starting a new job, single parenting or co-parenting at a distance, feeling like a failure, coming to terms with having to introduce yourself as a divorcé(e), worrying about the possibility of ever finding love and trust again, and so on.
It is undeniably a roller coaster of experience.
This, nonetheless, is not a hopeless situation.
People have passed through this episode and have come out tenacious.
Many great divorced people are living impactful lives today.
Thanks to some of these tips I am about to share with you in this article.
Come along, please.
How To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage.
1. Do not live in denial
Yes, married life has been your reality for many years.
However, the first step to getting over a divorce is to accept your new reality and embrace it.
Living in denial will cloud your mind to the steps you need to take, which would be helpful with respect to your new status.
I once saw a quote that says you can’t be emotionally resilient if you live in denial, and it stuck with me ever since.
The marriage is over, do not be ashamed to admit this truth to yourself.
Own your truth and make a testimony out of it.
You will be shocked at how liberating this step would be if only you could be true to yourself.
2. Forgive yourself
At this point, it is expected that you are overwhelmed with feelings of regret.
You are probably not proud of some steps you took or didn’t take while married.
You wish you could turn back the hands of time and do some things differently.
There will be many moments of could haves, would haves, and should haves.
Perhaps you could have been better spouse.
Maybe you weren’t supportive enough, you didn’t communicate your needs clearly, heck, maybe you even cheated!
This is a normal way of expressing hurt, and it could happen to anyone.
Being self-critical is a step to forgiving yourself, but do not be stuck therein.
It should only last for a while.
You cannot continue to wallow in self-blame forever.
It will do you no good, trust me.
Admit these errors and forgive yourself.
3. Choose your circle
The people surrounding you in this difficult time are a huge determinant factor to how well you get over the divorce.
Be sure to avoid sanctimonious and self-righteous people.
Do not give anyone room to tear you down with their criticisms.
Such people do not deserve your attention, let alone engaging them
Be with your loved ones who will deal with you in compassion and kindness; they may not even necessarily be family members.
Anyone who would claim to tell you the truth but would refuse to do so in love is probably not the person you should be with at a time like this.
They cannot possibly be grieving more than you.
No one will ever get it until they have been in your shoes.
4. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your children
If your children are old enough to fathom the implication of the divorce, please let them in on the current turn of events.
They also need to be allowed to accept their new reality too, and how well and soon they do this has a direct effect on your own well-being as well.
Their well-being is undoubtedly tied to yours.
Be there for them as they soak it in.
While at this, no matter how hurtful it is, do all in your power not to speak ill of their other parent.
That will be a disastrous thing to do.
It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
5. Join a support group
Being in a safe space with people walking the same path you are currently on will do you a great deal of good.
It makes you come to the realization that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You do not have to go through this alone.
There, you will feel less lonely and judged as you can talk openly and honestly about your feelings.
You can as well make new connections that could be beneficial to you in the long run.
You can learn different ways of managing complex situations and find support by being around those who understand your experience.
Additionally, it is also a great way for your children to connect with other children facing similar family structures.
It helps them build resilience and develop strong coping skills, which will enable them to manage their emotions and behavior better.
Support groups do have their risks, too, though, so please do not completely throw caution into the winds.
6. Involve God
This is a period of your life when you may either feel like God failed you or that you failed God.
It’s a time when you may be tempted to keep a distance from God because of either of the reasons above.
You probably have even stopped believing in Him.
However, I make bold to say that this is the devil trying to rob you completely of your peace of mind.
There is no better time to stick to God.
When he said we should cast our burdens on Him, He wasn’t kidding.
Be given to positive affirmations and declarations.
Listen to soul-lifting worship songs religiously.
There are several promises of God in His word, and our confessions activate these promises.
Your total healing lies in His hands, do not tarry to reach out.
This is not the time, however, to allow yourself to be lured into any form of religious manipulation by dishonest people.
Seek God by yourself, and you will find Him.
Out of the broken pieces of your life, he will build you an edifice of hope, if you will let Him.
LAST THOUGHTS
Divorced people are not miserable and hopeless people.
Divorce is hard, but you don’t have to be defined by your divorce, no matter how long your marriage was.
Cherish the long years of your marriage and let yourself in gradually into the new chapter.
It is a new chapter of the story of your life and a breath of fresh air.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
The road may be rough, but you will come out pumped with new experiences and lessons.
