So your ex-husband wants to come back.
The same man you divorced, whose behavior was bad enough that you legally ended your marriage.
The same man you thought you were done with forever.
Now he’s calling and texting and showing up, saying he’s changed and begging for another chance.
And you’re confused.
Part of you remembers why you left.
The pain and disappointment.
The relief when it finally ended.
But another part of you wonders… what if he really has changed?
What if this could work, and you are meant to be together after all?
Well, just because he wants to come back doesn’t mean you should let him come back.
And just because he’s saying he’s changed doesn’t mean he actually has.
Men come back after divorce for all kinds of reasons. Some good. Most bad.
And before you even think about opening that door again, you need to figure out which category your ex falls into.
Here’s why ex-husbands come back, and more importantly, how to know if you should even consider taking him back.
Why Do Ex-Husbands Come Back?
1. He’s Realized What He Lost
You know what they say about not knowing the value of what you have until you lose it?
This is it.
Your ex-husband has been out there, dated other women, and tried to move on.
And he’s realized that what he had with you was actually good.
That you were actually a good woman, whom he took for granted.
Now he’s back because he genuinely misses you.
Not just having a wife, but specifically you.
This is the only good reason.
And honestly, it’s the rarest one.
Because there are millions of women, but there’s only one you.
2. Dating Is Harder Than He Expected
Many of us romanticize singleness when we are married.
We think about our lives without carrying responsibilities, forgetting that when we were single, we desired marriage.
Your ex thought divorce meant freedom.
He thought he’d be out there living his best life, dating whoever he wants.
Instead, he’s realizing that dating in your 30s/40s/50s is rough.
The women his age have standards he doesn’t meet.
The younger women aren’t interested.
Even dating apps are a nightmare.
So he’s coming back to you because you’re familiar and easy, not necessarily because he values you, but because he’s tired and you’re convenient.
3. He Got His Heart Broken
He left you for someone else or left you thinking he’d find someone better.
Unfortunately, that didn’t work out.
Maybe she broke his heart or he realized she wasn’t what he thought.
Now he’s back at your door, wounded and wanting comfort.
You’re not his first choice.
You’re his safety net and ego repair.
4. He Wants More Kids And Doesn’t Want Multiple Baby Mamas
If you already have children together and he wants more, coming back to you is convenient.
One baby mama instead of two.
One co-parenting relationship instead of multiple.
This isn’t about loving you, it is logistics.
You’re a womb he’s already familiar with.
5. He’s on a Revenge Mission
Some men are petty.
Really petty.
If you’re the one who initiated the divorce, he might come back just to hurt you.
He’ll sweet-talk his way back in, make you trust him again and get you emotionally invested.
Then destroy you, cheat, leave, or hurt you worse than the first time.
He wants payback, not reconciliation
6. He Never Wanted the Divorce in the First Place
Maybe you initiated the divorce and he fought it or he’s been trying to get you back this whole time.
He genuinely believes the marriage could have been saved and that you gave up too soon because the issues were fixable.
This one’s tricky because his intentions might be genuine.
But intention doesn’t mean it’ll work.
If the core issues haven’t been addressed, you’ll just end up divorced again.
7. He’s Lonely
Loneliness is a hell of a drug.
He’s alone, his house is quiet, bed is empty, and he has no one to come home to.
So he’s coming back to you because someone is better than no one.
Not that he thinks you’re not special.
You’re just available and willing to tolerate him.
8. He Actually Loves You and Has Changed
This is what you want to believe.
And sometimes it’s true.
He’s done the work, gone to therapy, addressed his issues, and genuinely changed his behavior patterns.
He’s not coming back because he’s lonely or struggling or using you.
He’s coming back because he loves you and he’s become a better man.
But here’s the thing: this is RARE. Really rare.
Most men don’t change.
They just get better at pretending they have.
How to Know If You Should Even Consider It
Don’t just open the door because he’s knocking.
Don’t take him back because you’re lonely or because the kids miss having their dad around or because your family is pressuring you.
Ask yourself these questions first:
1. Why Did You Divorce in the First Place?
This is the most important question.
Was he abusive? Cheating? Controlling? Addicted?
If any of those are the reason, the answer is NO.
Full stop.
Don’t even consider it.
Abusers don’t change, serial cheaters don’t stop cheating, controllers don’t give up control, and addicts relapse.
Taking him back just signals that you’ll tolerate that behavior and that there are no real consequences.
But if you divorced because of communication issues, growing apart, immaturity, not being ready for marriage, those might be fixable.
Maybe.
2. Has He Actually Changed or Is He Just Saying He Has?
Words are cheap.
Anyone can say “I’ve changed.”
But has he really?
Don’t listen to what he says, watch what he does.
And don’t just watch what he does for a week or two while he’s trying to win you back.
Watch for MONTHS.
Consistently, when he’s tired, when he’s stressed, and when you’re annoying him.
That’s when you’ll see if he’s really changed or if he’s just performing.
3. Has He Done the Work?
Change doesn’t just happen.
It requires work.
Has he been to therapy?
Individual therapy, not just couples therapy to win you back?
Has he addressed the root issues that caused your divorce?
Or is he just sorry he lost you without understanding whyhe lost you?
If he hasn’t done the work, he hasn’t changed, and you’ll just end up in the same broken marriage you already left.
4. What’s Your Gut Telling You?
Forget what your family says or what your friends think.
In fact, forget what your heart wants to believe.
What is your gut saying?
Do you feel safe with him? Or are you anxious?
Do you feel excited about the possibility? Or do you feel dread?
Do you trust him? Or are you already wondering if he’ll hurt you again?
Your gut knows.
Listen to it.
5. Are You Considering This Because You Want Him or Because You’re Lonely/Scared/Pressured?
Be brutally honest with yourself.
Are you considering taking him back because you genuinely believe the marriage could work now?
Or are you considering it because:
- You’re lonely
- You’re struggling financially
- Your family is pressuring you
- The kids want their dad back
- You’re scared you won’t find anyone else
- It’s easier than starting over
If it’s any of the latter reasons – DON’T DO IT.
You’ll just end up miserable again, and this time, you’ll have wasted even more years.
Most of the time, going back to an ex-husband is a mistake.
Not always, but most of the time.
People rarely change, especially not men who’ve already lost you once and faced no real consequences.
And even if he has changed, the history is still there.
The hurt, the betrayal, the disappointment, like the reasons you divorced in the first place.
That’s a lot to overcome.
Your ex-husband coming back isn’t necessarily a blessing, sometimes it’s just a test.
A test of whether you’ve healed enough to know your worth or love yourself enough to say no to someone who already proved they don’t deserve you.
Don’t fail that test just because you’re lonely.
You already survived one divorce.
Don’t set yourself up for a second one with the same man.