At the risk of sounding boastful, errrm, I’ve never been heartbroken.
Don’t get me wrong.
Have I cried because of love?
It’s very normal for lovers to hurt each other in a relationship. As a matter of fact, you’re more likely to be hurt by someone you love than a stranger because of the intimacy and proximity you share.
However, as a single lady, I never experienced any heartbreak, just breakups. And I was the one who initiated the breakups. This saved me from a lot of heartaches.
Before you judge me, call me wicked, heartless, selfish, or whatever name that comes to your mind, let me tell you a little about me and what informed my decision.
During my clinical exposure to the psychiatric hospital, while studying to be a registered nurse, I saw how women ended up in the hospital as a result of emotional trauma suffered from heartbreaks and betrayals.
I realized that it’s possible to end up in a mental home due to romantic issues.
I’m a very emotional person. Behind my strong online persona is a gentle-hearted lady who hates to hurt others and hates to be hurt.
So, I decided I wasn’t going to let romantic matters make me end up in a psychiatric hospital. I don’t ever want to be a victim of love.
I was in my late teens and had just started dating, so this decision greatly influenced my dating choices and experiences (positively).
When I say ‘to be the heartbreaker’ and not the ‘heartbroken’, I don’t mean selfishly going on a heartbreaking spree.
I mean to protect yourself from suffering an emotional breakdown as a result of a love gone wrong.
I did this successfully and I’ll share with you some of the tips that helped me.
HOW TO BE THE HEARTBREAKER AND NOT THE HEARTBROKEN
1. Mindset is Everything
Your mindset is very powerful because your thoughts determine your actions/choices, which consequently determine your life outcome.
Because you’re what you think!
You can’t act above the level of your thoughts.
If you want to be the heartbreaker and not the heartbroken, you’ve got to check your mindset/beliefs about love and relationship.
There are some beliefs that make you vulnerable to suffering an emotional breakdown in the dating world.
I wrote about ten of them here but I’ll talk about the most important one for this post, which is,
You can’t help who you love
This very belief will only make you a victim of love.
While you may not be able to control who you’re attracted to, you have the power to decide whether to pursue the attraction or not.
The belief that you don’t have power over your emotions simply makes you a helpless individual who is a slave of her emotions.
If you see love as a choice and not just an emotion, you’ll realise how much power you have in deciding who you let into your heart.
If you have the power to choose what you eat, wear, study, what job you do, what makes you think you don’t have the power to decide who you give your heart to?
It’s all about what you believe. Your mindset.
I always tell myself I have the power to choose who I love. I can choose to love you or stop loving you. All I have to do is change the way I think about you.
Your thoughts control your feelings.
That’s the secret.
A lot of us don’t understand the power of our MIND and SELF WILL.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 NIV
“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” Proverbs 23:7 NKJV
Those Bible verses capture it very perfectly.
Another very damaging belief is,
Love isn’t finding someone you can live with, it’s finding someone you can’t live without.
So many quotes are just sweet to the ears, but they lack substance.
You wanna hear the truth?
There’s NOBODY you can’t live without.
It’s only God (the giver of life) and you (the carrier of that life) that you can’t live without.
I agree that you’ll miss someone if you’re no longer together. You’ll miss their presence and whatever it represents. It’s very normal.
But to think you can’t live without them and whatever they represent is a big fat lie!
Just because you miss something doesn’t mean you can’t do without that thing.
I mean, let’s cut the crap.
How were you living before you met them?
As long as they’re not your oxygen, you can live without anyone.
This belief that you can’t live without someone is the reason heartbroken people commit suicide.
It’s just sad.
Healthy love says, “I choose to live my life with you.”
I don’t even want someone who cannot live without me.
2. Don’t Hastily Open the Gate of Your Heart
One of the ways I protected myself from being heartbroken was being intentional about who I opened my heart to.
Unrequited love is a sure way to be heartbroken; loving someone who doesn’t love you in return or even loves you as much as you love them.
While it’s normal to feel attracted to a man who possesses the qualities you desire in a man, you have to be intentional about discouraging that attraction if it’s not mutual.
Love/romance is beautiful when the feeling is mutual because efforts are likely to be mutual.
Falling in love with someone who doesn’t share the same feelings with you will only leave you heartbroken.
Even if he shows interest in you, you still have to be guided in the way you open up your heart. Take your time to know if the risk would be worth it.
You’ve only had a date and you’re already dreaming about your life with this prince charming.
You aren’t even sure of his intentions yet.
Know that you’re in charge of your heart. You’re the gatekeeper of your heart. You have the power to decide how you open it and who you let in.
This saved me from unnecessary heartbreaks because I wouldn’t show interest in a man who didn’t show interest in me.
Self-love is the best love.
One way I was the heartbreaker and not the heartbroken was believing that self-love is stronger than any romantic love.
Count it as selfish, thank you.
But it helped me.
If a relationship wasn’t working for me, I loved myself enough to let go, no matter how much I loved the person.
Was it hard?
I never dated a guy I didn’t truly love, so breaking up with them wasn’t a walk in the park.
There were tears, doubts, and some painful moments.
However, I cared about my future more. I knew that the pain would be temporary and everyone would move on eventually.
I think of the reasons we find it hard to let go is because we hold on to the memories we’ve shared with someone.
While this is good, I believe we can always create new memories with someone else.
Good memories and good times aren’t enough reasons to stay in a relationship I believe isn’t good for my life.
4. Understand that Not Every Relationship will Last Forever
If you desire marriage, then you’ll date with the end goal of marriage.
However, the reality is that not every relationship will make it to marriage or last forever.
The earlier you accept this, the easier it is to deal with a relationship that is not working or move on when someone breaks up with you.
5. Have Enough Pride to Walk Away from a Relationship
When I was single, some men called me ‘proud’.
Oh yeah, when it comes to protecting my heart and my emotions, I don’t mind being called that. I’d rather be proud than be an emotional wreck.
Truth is, this pride saved me a lot. It still doesn’t mean making some decisions was easy.
It takes courage and pride to walk away from a relationship when it’s no longer as it should be.
As a lady, you should know when to call off a relationship (depending on your deal-breakers). You should know what you want enough to realize when you’re not getting it. You should see the handwriting on the wall that a relationship is over.
Sometimes, women ignore the handwriting on the wall and think that all is well in paradise. Or they believe the relationship can be salvaged.
When is a relationship really over?
These are signs that your relationship is probably over:
1. When your partner has lost interest in you and the relationship.
2. When you both have fallen out of love with each other.
3. When he doesn’t respect you as you deserve.
4. If the relationship has become toxic.
5. If you can’t agree on anything and you fight more than you agree.
6. If he constantly cheats on you.
7. If the relationship is draining your energy, happiness and self-esteem.
8. If you’re losing yourself and your mind.
9. He doesn’t support your dreams/passion or doesn’t believe in you.
10. He puts you down and makes you feel less of yourself.
11. He passes demeaning remarks about your looks, making you to lose your confidence.
12. He compares you with other females.
13. He doesn’t respect the people you respect and care about.
14. You have conflicting values about almost every aspect of life.
15. He’s abusing you physically, verbally and emotionally.
16. His family and friends don’t respect you and he supports them.
17. You don’t trust him or his intentions towards you.
18. You’re the only one trying to make the relationship work.
19. You keep wishing to meet someone better.
20. Your instincts tell you something is not right.
21. He constantly says he doesn’t deserve you and that you shouldn’t hesitate to go with a guy who does.
22. He’s emotionally unavailable.
23. You keep breaking up and coming back.
24. He subtly tells you he’s no longer interested.
I can go on and on.
You know yourself better. You should know what you want and when a relationship isn’t just it for you anymore.
Before you quit however, make sure you think and talk about it with your partner.
If you’re unable to fix things, have enough courage and dignity to quit!
Don’t wait until a guy shows you the door before you know it’s over.
And if he shows you the door suddenly, have enough self-pride to walk out majestically while you nurse your pains in secret.
Don’t ever beg, especially if you’ve not done anything wrong. Smart women don’t beg for love.
His mind is made up. Begging to be taken back will not achieve anything.
As a matter of fact, you’re going to hate yourself for ever begging him.
It’s going to hurt. You’ll need time to heal. But you’ll be fine eventually.
Remember, you can live without anyone.
6. Don’t Make Sacrifices You’ll Regret
One of the reasons people find it hard to let go of a relationship is because of the sacrifices and investments they’ve made into the relationship.
Just like Melinda in Tyler Perry‘s Acrimony (the movie annoyed the hell of out me) gave away her inheritance to fund Robert and his drawn-out dream, some women have made diverse types of investments (emotional, financial, sexual etc.) in a relationship just to secure the ring.
When things turn sour, they’re more pained because of what they’ve done to secure the relationship. They feel it’s all wasted efforts.
Be careful not to make sacrifices that you’ll regret if the relationship doesn’t work out.
And whatever you do, do it out of love and not because you want to secure the relationship or make him marry you.
7. Get a Life
If you’re familiar with my articles, you’ll know how much I emphasize this.
Get a life. Have dreams, passion and life goals to pursue.
Discover your purpose and how you can make impact with your life in your own way.
Discover, utilize and maximize your potentials and talents.
There’s so much your life has to offer. Find fulfilment and joy in other things aside from being in a relationship.
Let a relationship be an icing on the cake to your already passionate life.
It’s easier to deal with relationship issues when you have something else to focus your energy and attention on.
You will never think your life is over when a relationship is over because there’s so much more to your life than being somebody’s woman.
8. Don’t Neglect Your Loved Ones
Having a solid support system is one of the ways to weather life’s storms.
Don’t ever make the mistake of neglecting your family and friends because you’re in love.
Keep them close. You’ll need them when things are good and when things are bad.
You’ll never have to feel alone even when a relationship is over because they’ve always been there for you.
P.S: There’s nothing wrong in being heartbroken. It’s better to be sincere than pretending to be strong. But you have to decide it will not break you. Just do whatever you can not to end up in a mental institution because someone broke up with you. It’s not worth it. There’s so much to do with life.
Well, you’re what you think. Your mindset is everything.
But these tips helped me not to be heartbroken/a victim of love when I was single.
This doesn’t mean my exes are victims of love. I just happened to be the one who knew that we were better apart.