One of the ways to build transparency and trust in a relationship is by sharing each other’s past experiences.
If I share my past with you as my boo, my lover, my best friend, you should feel honored and grateful that I trust you enough to let you in.
Right?
It doesn’t end there, though.
You have a responsibility to handle this information with care and respect.
Here are some things you should never do with your partner’s past.
11 Things You Should Never Do With Your Partner’s Past
1. Bring It Up in Arguments
I understand that during arguments, emotions are high.
In fact, your partner may say something so hurtful that you might be tempted to hit below the belt and bring up their past mistakes just to score some points.
As tempting as that may be, don’t stoop to that level.
You will regret it, trust me.
Because yeah, you might win the argument but at what cost?
You will end up hurting your partner and damaging the trust and security in your relationship.
After you have used the past, they told you to win an argument.
Do you expect them to tell you anything again?
No.
You have proved to them that you cannot be trusted with their vulnerabilities.
We’ve all had moments we aren’t proud of or times when we’ve stumbled.
Would you want to be forever defined by a misstep you took years ago?
So, no matter how heated the argument gets, avoid bringing up your partner’s past mistakes.
Because it’s like picking at a healed wound and expecting it not to leave a scar.
2. Blame Them for Their Past
Sure, your partner might have been guilty of some things in their past.
They probably could have done some things better, but who hasn’t?
We all have things we wish we could go back and change.
But the past is in the past for a reason.
Your partner has probably already worked through any guilt or regrets they may have had about their past, and constantly bringing it up only makes them feel worse.
Each person’s past, including yours, is a series of lessons learned and experiences that have led to growth.
Blaming your partner for their past mistakes also means not acknowledging that they have changed and grown since then.
People make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean they are defined by them.
So, instead of blaming your partner for their past, try to understand where they were coming from and focus on the present and future of your relationship.
Think about it: what would blaming them accomplish?
3. Hold It Against Them
One way to make your partner regret ever telling you about their past is by constantly holding it against them.
It’s unfair and hurtful to bring up something from their past that they’re trying to forget.
Consider how it would feel if the tables were turned to constantly be reminded of a version of yourself you no longer identify with.
Take, for instance, maybe your partner cheated in a past relationship.
Although it’s understandable to be cautious and have trust issues, constantly accusing them or bringing up their past mistakes, especially in unrelated situations, is a bitchy behavior.
If they have not given you any cause to doubt their fidelity, then you have no reason to hold their past against them.
Don’t punish your partner for something they did in the past and trusted you enough to tell you.
4. Use It to Control Them
Using your partner’s past to control them is witchcraft behavior.
It’s manipulative and toxic.
It shows that you do not trust them and want to use their past against them to get what you want in the present.
For example, if your partner used to struggle with substance abuse but has been sober for years now, don’t use their past mistakes as a reason to restrict their social life or make them feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends.
Your partner’s past does not define who they are now and should not be used as a means of control.
Trust in the present and support your partner’s growth and decisions.
They have already overcome their past mistakes; don’t let your insecurities bring them back to a place they have worked so hard to move on from.
5. Judge Them
We all have different experiences and come from unique backgrounds, so it’s unfair to expect your partner to have the same values or make the same choices as you would in a similar situation.
You know what you do when you judge your partner for their past?
You push them away.
You make them feel like they cannot be themselves around you.
They start to question if you will accept them for who they are and fear being judged or rejected again.
And who can blame them?
Who would want to be with someone who constantly judges and criticizes them for their past mistakes?
6. Dismiss Their Feelings
The reason your partner may have shared something from their past with you is because they trust you and feel comfortable opening up to you.
So when they confide in you and share their feelings about their past, do not dismiss them or make them feel like they are overreacting.
Just because it may not seem like a big deal to you does not mean it isn’t a big deal to your partner.
Everyone processes and deals with their emotions differently.
Maybe, for example, your partner is still dealing with the aftermath of a previous toxic relationship.
Just because they have moved on and are now in a healthy and loving relationship with you doesn’t mean their past didn’t leave scars that still affect them.
So, instead of dismissing their feelings, listen to them, validate their emotions, and be there for them.
Don’t think they should just get over it already because you’ve moved on from their past.
7. Obsess Over Details
I can understand your curiosity because I’m one curious creature, too.
But when it comes to your partner’s past mistakes, less is more.
There is a difference between wanting to understand your partner better and obsessing over the details of their past.
Sure, you might want to know more about your partner’s past experiences, but it’s their story to tell, and they have the right to choose what they share with you.
Don’t obsess over every little detail and constantly ask for more information.
Talking about your past is uncomfortable enough, so don’t make it harder for your partner by prying and obsessing over every detail.
Respect their boundaries and let them share what they feel comfortable sharing with you.
Don’t make them relive their past just for your own curiosity.
8. Expect Them to Be Perfect
I get it.
We are supposed to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.
We are supposed to grow and become better humans from our past experiences.
But no one is perfect, and expecting your partner to be is setting them up for failure.
They are still human and will make mistakes in the future.
And that’s okay because they will continue to learn and grow from them, just as you have.
So, don’t put your partner on a pedestal or hold them to impossible standards based on their past.
Accept them for who they are now and support their growth instead of expecting perfection.
9. Allow It to Influence Your Self-Esteem
I’m trying to think of the kind of past that can make you feel insecure.
Okay, let’s say your partner dated many models before you, and you’re not exactly Victoria’s Secret material.
Or they were really wealthy, and you’re more middle class.
Whatever it is, do not let their past influence your self-esteem or make you feel inferior.
Your partner chose to be with you because they see something special in you that no one else has.
Their past does not take away from the love and attraction they have for you.
So don’t compare yourself to their past and allow it to affect how you see yourself.
You are enough, and your partner loves you for exactly who you are.
10. Try to “Fix” Their Regrets
Love can make us want to fix everything for our partner, including their past regrets and mistakes.
Your heart is beautiful, but your partner’s past belongs to them, not you.
Your partner needs to face their own regrets and find ways to cope with them, just as you do with yours.
Be there for your partner and support them through their struggles, but don’t try to be the solution for something that is not yours to fix.
11. Forget to Focus on Your Own Growth
This is where I get to remind you that you also have a past.
It’s easy to get caught up in our partner’s past and forget about ourselves.
While it’s important to support and understand your partner, don’t forget about your own personal growth.
Use your past experiences to learn and become a better person.
Don’t try to remove the speck from your partner’s eye without first removing the plank from your own.
I hope you found this article helpful!