“My boyfriend insults me when we fight!”
Believe it or not, this is the situation some ladies find themselves in.
It would be very unrealistic to say that just because you love someone or are in a relationship with them, you’d never fight with them.
No matter how compatible or how great a pair you both are, different issues are likely to come up that can result in disagreements, friction, and even fights.
This is largely normal as it happens in virtually all relationships.
What is not normal, healthy, or to be encouraged is abuse in whatever form it comes, be it verbal, emotional, or physical.
We’ll focus on verbal abuse today and look into it more intrinsically, giving practical tips on how to handle the situation.
If this is your predicament and your boyfriend insults you when you fight, I understand that this might be a sensitive topic for you.
But I’m offering to walk you through the situation, giving you perspective and helping you take actionable steps about it.
Please keep reading.
“My Boyfriend Insults Me When We Fight”: 4 Important Considerations
1. Conflicts are normal
The presence of misunderstandings in your relationship does not automatically make it a bad one.
Conflicts are largely normal because human beings can not be perfect.
Regardless of how awesome two people are, they may experience disagreements and arguments from time to time.
However, an important side to this is how these conflicts are handled.
Every relationship experiences disagreements but what distinguishes healthy ones from toxic ones is the way they are handled and resolved.
2. Insults are not normal
While fights may not be abnormal, insults are.
Disagreement escalating into painful insults from either party in a relationship is wrong.
Regardless of how long it has happened, or how much it has been normalized, the truth remains that when one or both parties are insulting, they create a negative atmosphere for the relationship.
If your boyfriend insults you because you both have disagreements, it is important that you recognize that what he is doing is not normal.
It is not an ideal situation and it is unhealthy for you.
People do not talk down on and berate the people they love, instead, they build them up.
It is impossible to build a healthy relationship in an atmosphere that is constantly filled with unpleasant and insulting words.
3. Root causes
There is no excuse for your partner insulting you, as this is a reflection of a flaw in their own character.
However, it is still important to try to understand the root causes of your boyfriend’s insults.
Several things like stress, personal issues, frustrations, or mismanagement of emotions are usually responsible for things like this.
Are there certain triggers that get your boyfriend to that state where he resorts to tearing you down with his words?
Even if you do things that he does not like, insults are not the way out.
His resorting to insults says a lot about his mindset or past trauma.
It may be due to past unresolved issues and or due to his insecurities.
Many times, people lashing out with hurtful words reveal inner unrest.
You should try to observe and understand the cause but even when you do, recognize that none of those reasons are valid enough to justify his outbursts.
4. Why insults are bad
Regardless of the reasons or triggers responsible for your boyfriend’s actions, it doesn’t reduce the effects of his actions.
Insults have negative effects and far-reaching repercussions on a relationship.
Even beyond the immediate arguments that they fuel, they eat deep into the relationship, eroding respect, love, and peace.
Your self-esteem will be attacked and you may constantly feel afraid of expressing yourself completely for fear of being insulted.
Resentment may build up and you may begin to seek ways to inflict pain on him in return.
If you don’t tow the vengeful path, you may resort to emotional withdrawal and isolation.
There have even been provable arguments that say that insulting partners progress to become physically violent ones.
Not only do I agree with this argument, but it also makes a lot of sense.
If your boyfriend constantly insults you and has unpleasant outbursts, it is very likely to progress into physical abuse and violence.
All of these, ultimately lead to the deterioration of your relationship.
“My Boyfriend Insults Me When We Fight”: 6 Ways To Address It
1. Choose the right time
It goes without saying that if your boyfriend insults you when you fight, you need to do something about it.
And no, I’m not asking you to insult him back or get physically violent with him.
That would be defeating the whole purpose of creating a healthier relationship.
What you need to do is communicate with your boyfriend about it and the first important step to communicating is choosing the right time.
You are not to bring it up right when he is doing it or when there’s a fight ongoing.
Wait for a time when you’re both peaceful to bring up the issue.
Talking about the issue at the wrong time may not help in any way.
2. Speak calmly
A boyfriend who insults you is very likely a temperamental person so trying to speak with him in elevated tones may not get you very far.
For sensitive issues such as this, it is important to approach them with caution to avoid further conflict.
Do not sound accusatory or try to condemn him.
What you’re trying to do is express yourself and get him to understand how you’re feeling, not to make him feel horrible.
3. Listen
You may not want to hear anything he has to say but try to be patient and listen to his response.
This may give you a better understanding of his perspectives and motives.
I dare say that listening to his response will help you know if things will get better or not.
If he feels remorseful and regrets his actions, apologizing and opening up to you about his inability to manage his emotions well,
That’s a good sign.
But if his response is nonchalant, or worse still, even violent, that is a red flag.
4. Clearly state your boundaries
In the case where you both have a thorough conversation and can iron out your issues, it is important for boundaries to be set.
Going forward, certain behaviors and modes of speech should be clearly known as unacceptable.
Respectful communication should be encouraged and you should clearly let your boyfriend know that insults are impermissible.
5. Encourage healthy communication
Healthy communication is important in every relationship because it is the foundation on which every other thing thrives.
To foster positive communication, certain practices should be embraced:
– Empathy: It is important to put yourself in the shoes of your partner when communicating with them.
This will help both parties communicate more kindly.
– Use humor: Even the most complicated issues can sometimes be solved when humor is introduced.
Of course, it is not always wise or appropriate to infuse humor into every serious discussion.
But wherever it is applicable, do not hesitate to use it.
– Practice temporary silence: This has worked for a lot of couples I know.
When you sense an argument getting more heated, you and your partner should pause, take a break, and come back later to continue the discussion.
6. Make a decision
Being with a boyfriend who perpetually insults you is not advisable.
If he is willing to work on it and you see visible progress and positive changes, you can decide if you want to stay with him.
You both can consider options like seeking professional help to help him manage any necessary trauma or anger issues.
But in a case where your boyfriend is stuck in his ways and unwilling to change his behavior, you may want to consider leaving the relationship.
No healthy relationship can be formed with such a behavior.