“My married son never calls me. It’s driving me crazy. Help!”
Except in rare cases, every parent deserves to be loved and appreciated by their grown children.
They deserve to be called and visited more so that they can feel the warmth of their children and grandchildren.
Nurturing and raising a child is no small feat.
I knew my parents tried their best to raise and provide for my three siblings and me, but I never understood their sacrifices and efforts until I became a parent and started raising my son.
Yes, I have a little boy.
Every time I look at him, I see someone who will grow up one day and have his own life.
I also know that no matter our closeness or how much he tells me he can not live or even sleep without me by his side, soon, he will learn to live without me.
He will get married and have a wife and family of his own.
Still, I also know that I would love him to call me and reach out to me, not necessarily to share his life with me, seek my opinion, or for me to take the place of his wife.
I want him to reach out to me, to call me because I want to hear his voice, feel the presence of the boy I raised, and know that he is okay.
I would not want to hear anything about my son from outsiders.
If he gets married and stops reaching out to me, I will feel heartbreak.
I feel convinced I am not alone; some mothers and parents look at their growing sons and think of these things.
Unfortunately, there are also many mothers and fathers whose sons are grown and married, but they never called or reached out to them.
Sometimes, I imagine what goes on in their minds and the many questions they ask in their hearts, questions they can not find answers to, questions like:
“Didn’t I try my best?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Is it his wife? Is it possible that his wife influences his decision never to call me?”
“Even if there was something I said or did wrong, can’t I be forgiven?”
If you are a mother and wondering why your married son never calls, you are not alone.
There are many reasons behind your son’s actions, and some have nothing to do with you.
”My Married Son Never Calls Me”: 6 Possible Reasons.
Here are some reasons your married son never calls you:
1. They’re busy and overwhelmed.
“Too busy that he couldn’t even spare a thought or a 2-minute call for the woman who raised him?”
It happens that way with many men.
Trying to strike and maintain a balance between work, family, and social life is hard.
In this era of the internet, it is more overwhelming.
Apart from work and social life, home duties and responsibilities await him.
He has a wife who needs support and attention, children who tug at his clothes and expect him to play with them or help with their homework, or even a simple household chore he needs to handle.
If your son feels deeply, he may find it difficult to keep up with all of these; this may affect the number of times he reaches out to you.
2. He’s going through his share of tough times.
Your son may also be having it rough in his home or his place of work.
He may be finding it a bit harder to transition from a single man who cared and provided for himself to a married man with responsibility towards his wife and the family they are building together.
“But isn’t that the more reason he should reach out and call me? He knows he can talk to me and that I’ll always be there for him. So why can’t he reach out?” you say.
Well, I understand you long to be there for your son so you can help, but it does not always work that way.
Your grown child will not always respond to challenges the way you want.
Some adults are more expressive when facing challenges or rough times, while others tend to withdraw and work things out themselves.
If your son is the kind of person who withdraws, then he is not reaching out to you because of some challenges he is facing.
3. He wants to detach from you emotionally.
While this may be heartbreaking for you, it is true that children, especially male children, need some emotional detachment from their moms to be the man they need to be.
If you share a close relationship with your son, now that he is grown and married, he is probably not reaching out to you because he needs to create some emotional distance from you.
It may be too much, but that may be what he is trying to achieve.
3. You still see him as your little boy.
“No matter how big you grow tomorrow and whatever you achieve, I’ll always see you as my little girl. The little girl who couldn’t eat or even rise from her cradle without my help.”
These were my dad’s words to me when I hit 25.
I did not know what he meant by that, but these sentences showed me that my father still saw and treated me like a child who needed to be helped and corrected at all times.
If you have said these words to your son or thought of your son this way, then your son may be trying to show you he is not your little boy anymore and that he has grown up and married.
He may just be passing a message that you need to stop seeing him as a helpless little boy who could not do anything without your help and treat him like the grown man he is.
4. You are a controlling parent.
I hate to be the one to say this to you, but yes, your son may decide to stay away from you and create some distance because you seek to control him, his choices, and the way he lives his life or spend his money.
I know a friend who stayed away from his mom for six years since she never accepted his wife because she wanted him to marry someone else.
Because he refused, his mom threatened him several times to impose her choice on him by every possible means.
If you are a parent with a grown-up son, but you still want him at your beck and call, and to obey your bidding, expect your son to keep his distance from you.
5. He’s emotionally distant.
Your son may not just be the kind of person who calls and reaches out to his loved ones.
It does not mean he does not love you any less.
He respects and cherishes you, but is not in tune with his emotions, so he does not respond to them.
It is also possible that major traumatic events may have caused him to turn off his emotions as a survival mechanism.
If he had an abusive upbringing or suffered abandonment from you as his mother, he is likely to be emotionally distant and not reach out to you anytime soon.
No two cases are the same, and there are always individual differences.
There are other personal reasons your married son never calls you, but you will not know until you try to find out.
What to do when your married son refuses to call you.
1. Be the first to reach out.
Remember, you never know what could be wrong or what could have happened until you reach out and ask questions.
So, if your son doesn’t call you, call him.
2. Have an honest conversation with him.
Let him know that you would like him to reach out often and ask if there is anything you have said or done to hurt him.
While he talks, listen.
Avoid being defensive and avoid guilt-tripping him.
Approach the conversation with an open mind and bridge the communication gap.
3. Respect his boundaries.
He is still your child, but he is a grown man who has his opinions, tastes, and the way he wants to show up for himself.
You need to see him the way he is and respect his choices and boundaries.
If he seeks your opinion, feel free to let him know what you think but if he does not say anything to you, let him be.
4. Be patient and keep going.
It will not be easy, especially if the estrangement is because of something you did or said.
He may find it difficult to open up to you again.
Be patient while you work on your relationship.
Even if it is because of his work or life challenges, you still need to be patient with him and keep working on your relationship.
If your married son stops calling you, do not assume it is your fault.
Many good mothers still suffer from estrangement from their married sons.
It is always best to do some soul-searching, reach out, ask questions and find out the cause.
If the fault is yours, you can apologize and make amends.
Even if it is not your fault, you can always find solace in the fact that you tried your best.