It’s a sad thing…
It’s sad how love can turn sour over time and how a marriage that starts with love can end up with one partner or both despising each other.
Being married to a husband who despises you can be an unpleasant experience.
Whether you have been experiencing unresolved conflicts for some time or you simply feel that he stopped caring at some point in the marriage, it could still be painful to come to terms with.
So, like we do every time we have trouble coming to terms with something, you may be tempted to live in denial and excuse your partner’s behavior.
Trying not to jump to the worst conclusions about your husband is admirable.
However, if he exhibits the following signs, you may need to consider the worst-case scenario: Your husband despises you.
8 Signs Your Husband Despises You
1. He constantly criticizes you
No one is perfect.
Hence, it would be very irrational to expect that your husband won’t criticize you.
However, in as much as no one is perfect, no one is so imperfect that you criticize everything they do.
When your husband constantly criticizes you, it is a sign that there is something wrong in the relationship.
He just seems to find fault in everything you do.
When he eats your meals, he always has one complaint or the other.
His criticisms don’t stop at things like your cooking.
He also criticizes how you handle daily tasks.
No matter what you do or how you do it, he has nothing good to say about it.
I remember one time in university when I had accommodation issues.
I had to squat with an older man.
He hardly ever stayed in the house, but I felt under constant scrutiny whenever he was around.
If I did something slightly off, he would start complaining about me.
It felt like my presence in his house was actually the issue and not whatever petty thing he chose to talk about.
I swept the whole house once, even though I didn’t know he was coming that day.
When he returned, his first comment was, “This house is clean o.”
Then, his next action was to check to see if I had thoroughly swept everywhere.
It was so annoying.
So, I understand if you are annoyed by your husband’s nitpicking.
Even when nothing is wrong, it seems like your husband goes out of his way to find something just so he can criticize you.
This isn’t normal.
In healthy relationships, couples don’t search for flaws in each other so they can have something to criticize.
And whenever criticism is needed, it should be done constructively.
The aim of criticism is to point out that there is still room for improvement, not to tear down.
If it feels like your husband aims for the latter, it is a sign he despises you.
2. He is never affectionate with you
Growing up, I was the brunt of some wicked jokes by some wicked kids.
They hurt me badly with their words back then.
Now, as adults, they see me and try to be friendly with me, but I usually can’t bring myself in to return the favor.
Because I have despised them for years, I feel totally indifferent to them right now.
My point is that one sign someone despises you is that they can’t bring themselves to be affectionate with you.
This is especially worse in marriage because it is supposed to be built on love and intimacy.
If your husband no longer expresses affection for you with physical gestures like hugs, kisses, or kind words, it could be indicative of a deeper issue.
This lack of affection has far-reaching effects because even sexual intimacy is tampered with.
Your bedroom life is nothing to write home about because he probably doesn’t even share a room with you anymore.
Even if he does, it usually seems like there’s an invisible boundary separating the both of you.
He doesn’t attempt to touch you; if he does, he doesn’t do it affectionately.
I have always maintained that there is a difference between making love and having sex.
While making love entails a tender, mutually enjoyable experience that makes you feel ecstatic, the other is just really about satisfying one person.
If your husband stays long periods without sex and then finally decides to have sex with you just because he needs an outlet to release into, it is apparent that there is something terribly wrong.
It could just be a sign that he despises you.
3. He avoids spending quality time with you
When you despise someone, you hardly want to spend much time around them because the very sight of them may be irritating to you.
Everyone wants to spend their time in enjoyable ways, and spending it with someone they despise is not an enjoyable way to pass the time.
I live in a small community.
Most of the time, everyone is in bed by 8 or 9 pm.
However, there is this man who never comes home earlier than midnight.
The weirdest part is that he leaves his house before most people wake up in the morning.
I used to wonder what made him live weirdly before I concluded that the man despises his wife.
Even the few times he comes home early, he spends most of it shouting at his wife or even physically assaulting her.
If you realize that your husband has been spending less time at home, it could be a sign that he despises you, especially if he is always cranky when he has to stay home.
He may have excuses for spending more time away from home.
Whether it’s staying late at work, spending more time with friends, or engrossing himself in hobbies, avoidance can be a sign that he’s trying to distance himself from you.
Especially when it is accompanied by constant criticism, lack of affection, and constant arguments.
4. He quarrels with you all the time
Every marriage has its own fair share of conflicts.
The difference between a successful marriage and its opposite is how they resolve conflicts.
While successfully married couples know how to effectively resolve their conflicts by either compromising or talking things out like reasonable adults, your husband resolves conflicts by engaging in violent quarrels with you.
In fact, your home may be beginning to take on the appearance of a warzone.
Your husband seems to be so irritable and flares up at little things.
You may be ready to explain it away as stress or fatigue if it occurs very occasionally.
However, if it occurs constantly, it is a sign that your husband despises and resents you.
I have seen couples quarrel all the time, and some of the things they fight about are so trivial that you won’t expect it to lead to a fight.
I have seen couples quarrel over the right way to press the toothpaste tube.
And that’s not even the most trivial thing I have seen couples fight about.
If your husband quarrels with you over the most trivial things, it could be a sign that he despises you.
5. He is passive-aggressive towards you
I used to be passive-aggressive towards people.
Instead of expressing my anger directly, I would usually do it indirectly.
I would passively express my anger by refusing to do something for them or replying coldly.
I felt it was a way of controlling my temper.
It isn’t.
It’s just another immature way of dealing with anger and annoyance.
If your husband usually gives you silent treatment all the time, it could be a sign that he despises you.
The saddest thing about silent treatments is that most of the time, you don’t even know what you did wrong.
Making snide remarks about you or going out of their way to do things he knows will annoy you can be another sign that your husband despises you.
In a marriage between couples who love each other, open and effective communication should be encouraged.
6. He ignores your needs
We all have needs in relationships.
If we don’t derive satisfaction from our relationships, then there is really no point in staying in those relationships.
When your husband ignores your needs intentionally, it can be very hurtful.
It even hits harder when your husband begins to constantly prioritize the needs of others over yours openly.
You may begin to wonder if he truly loves you.
If your husband cancels plans with you all the time to be with his friends or family without considering your feelings, it could be a sign that he despises you.
Don’t get me wrong; canceling plans occasionally to take care of family business or accommodate friends is not exactly wrong.
It is how he does it that matters.
Some men do it without pausing to consider how you may feel about it.
If your husband is one of them, it may be a sign that he despises you.
Ignoring your needs not only causes resentment on your part but also shows disrespect on his part.
If your husband loves and respects you, he won’t ignore your needs.
It’s that simple.
While he may not be able to satisfy your needs all the time, the fact that your husband acknowledges your needs is a way of showing that you matter to him.
When he constantly ignores your needs, he is making a simple statement: he doesn’t care about you.
7. He puts zero effort into the relationship
One time, a female friend reached out to me with a question.
She wanted to know why men stop trying after they have you.
She was saying it like it was a general behavior with all men.
I had to explain how it was not a general behavior.
This generalization is how women keep on trying to convince themselves that things are great in their relationships when things are actually not so great.
If it seems like your husband no longer puts effort into the relationship, it is a sign that something is wrong.
Don’t convince yourself with the “all men do it” talk.
He doesn’t show interest in having serious conversations that can improve the quality of your relationship.
He shows absolutely zero interest in your life.
He neglects responsibilities within the house.
He definitely doesn’t care about your needs.
See, the very minute your husband starts acting this way, it is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.
If he does this in combination with the other signs above, it definitely is a sign that he despises you.
8. He disrespects you
Wives also deserve respect in marriage.
I resent it when people say it like all women need is love.
In fact, what sort of love doesn’t come with respect?
If you love someone, you’d want to treat them with respect.
If your husband frequently disrespects you in words or deeds, it could be a sign that he despises you.
Does he speak hurtful words to you?
Does he call you names?
Does he handle you roughly?
If your husband does all these, it is a sign that he despises you.
Recognizing the signs above in your relationship can be very tough for you.
However, this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.
Here are some tips on how to handle the situation perfectly: the first thing you need to do is to have an honest conversation with him.
Tell him how his actions and words make you.
Of course, you should give him room to express himself.
There is no smoke without fire.
Hence, his behavior may be a response to something you may have done in the past.
Tracking down the starting point of this problem is the way to resolve the issue.
A professional marriage counselor or therapist can provide a neutral space for both of you to discuss your issues and work towards resolution.
You should also prioritize self-care.
Prioritize your well-being.
After all, if you don’t take care of yourself, who will?
Establishing clear boundaries about what behavior is acceptable and what isn’t is also a way of taking care of yourself and ensuring that your husband doesn’t do anything harmful to you.
Finally, you need to consider whether your husband is willing to change.
Is he working with you towards a better relationship, or is he still behaving the same way?
You need to consider if the relationship is healthy for you.
I know you want to move forward, but sometimes, the best way forward is by taking a step out of a toxic relationship.