Growing up, I saw my fair share of dysfunctional husbands.
In the little community where I lived, it seemed to be the theme of too many households.
Many marriages happened not out of love or choice, but out of obligation.
So many guys were married just because they had gotten a woman pregnant and were pressured into tying the knot.
I saw how this affected their marriages.
I watched women pour their hearts into relationships that felt one-sided, hoping their partners would step up, only to be met with resentment or indifference.
Marriage is a full-time responsibility even for two people who love each other and are committed to the relationship.
No one should have to feel entrapped in a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to be in that relationship.
If you have ever felt more like a roommate than a wife to your husband, here are some signs that you might be married to a man who never wanted the role of husband.
7 Signs You’re Married to a Man Who Never Wanted to Be a Husband
1. He resents responsibilities
Some time ago, I had a conversation with some young men about marriage.
I was curious to know what their beliefs about marriage were.
I might have gone into the conversation curious, but I left it disappointed.
I realized that many young men are not even prepared for the responsibilities of being a husband.
They are mostly just focused on the pleasures of marriage, and that’s a problem.
Marriage comes with responsibilities.
Coming to terms with this reality will make it easier to enjoy your marriage.
Alas, when a man doesn’t want to be a husband, he doesn’t think about things that way.
He acts like even the slightest obligation is a burden to him.
He doesn’t like to step up and handle his responsibilities as the man of the house.
In fact, he resents you for even expecting him to be responsible.
And because of this, you might find yourself carrying the weight of the whole family because you are trying to pick up his slack.
2. He acts like marriage is a cage
Marriage is such a beautiful union.
But not everyone has this opinion of marriage.
When you are married to a man who doesn’t want to be a husband, he acts like he is in a trap.
He is reluctant to commit to anything that is even vaguely related to the relationship.
It is not so unusual to see men like this living like single men.
They act like they are single outside, never wear their wedding rings, and flirt with other ladies.
They leave their wives alone to bear the burden of marriage.
I live a couple of houses away from a man who is known for being a womanizer.
He is married, but he doesn’t act like it.
He flirts with females, even in the presence of his wife, without any form of respect for her.
But when the table flips, he gets really annoyed and insecure.
I remember him having a loud argument with his wife just because she greeted a male friend.
According to him, she had no business talking to any other males.
In all honesty, nobody could understand the reason for his irrational reaction.
I mean, he was obviously cheating on her, but she couldn’t even exchange greetings with a male friend?
He acts like marriage is a cage and does everything in his power to assert his independence, but he, in turn, does everything in his power to keep his wife in a cage.
This is a typical behavior of men who don’t want to be husbands but find themselves married.
3. Conflict resolution is a myth
When a man wants his marriage, he’ll fight for peace.
When a man doesn’t, he’ll fight to win.
You can’t resolve anything because he’s allergic to accountability.
Every little disagreement becomes a threat.
You’ll hear things like, “Maybe we should just separate.”
Excuse me? Over toothpaste?
It’s not about the argument.
It’s about his heart not being in the game.
Men who love their wives fight fair, and men who regret being married fight dirty.
4. He avoids emotional intimacy
You can sit beside him, sleep next to him, cook for him, pray for him, do all the styles in bed you know how to do, and still feel completely alone.
He’s present but not there.
You talk, he grunts.
You open up, he changes the topic.
You ask how he feels, and he says, “I’m fine.” (The biggest lie in the male dictionary.)
The loneliest feeling in marriage isn’t sleeping alone; it’s lying beside someone whose heart is far away from you.
And the more you try to reach him, the more he retreats.
It’s exhausting, because you’re basically loving a wall and hoping it’ll hug you back.
5. He prioritizes everything over you
Work. Friends. Gym. Football. His family.
And you?
Well, maybe somewhere between laundry and grocery shopping.
Yes, marriage gets busy, and life itself is busy.
I sometimes wish I had more than 24 hours in a day.
But then, when a man constantly puts everything and everyone before his wife, that’s not busyness.
That’s avoidance.
A man who wants to be a husband will make you a priority.
Not because you beg for it or nag for it all the time, but because he wants to.
6. He doesn’t see you as a team
I once heard a man say, “I can’t marry a woman who earns more than I.”
And I thought, God, please protect my daughter from fragile egos.
Because I was shocked to realize that men who think this way still exist.
I was even more shocked to see that some other guys agreed with him.
Well, I didn’t leave without letting them all know that marriage is not a competition.
It is a partnership, and it can only work out when there is no form of rivalry.
Partners complement each other.
The beauty of marriage is in partnership.
Marriage is about “we,” not “me,” but it is not like this with a man who doesn’t want to be married.
When a man doesn’t want to be married, he is only concerned about himself.
He makes major decisions without consulting you, and when you offer your input, he brushes it off as inconsequential.
Sometimes, he even acts like his life is separate from yours.
7. You feel like you are chasing a ghost
This is perhaps the saddest sign that you may be married to a man who doesn’t want to be a husband.
You have this sinking feeling that you are alone in the union.
You are isolated, and whatever hope that you may have had of things improving has been drained away by his unresponsiveness.
You’re trying.
God knows you’re trying.
You read relationship books.
Suggest counseling.
You bend and twist just to make it work.
But none of your attempts have worked because he is not meeting you halfway.
Realizing your husband never wanted to be a husband is a heartbreak that doesn’t show on the face.
You smile, but inside you’re screaming, “Why did you marry me if you didn’t want this?”
But this is not your failure.
You didn’t fail because you wanted love.
He failed because he wasn’t honest about what he wanted.
So what now?
If he’s open to change, counseling might help.
If not, set boundaries.
Demand respect, even if love has faded.
And if all else fails, choose yourself.