The scary thing about an unhappy marriage is that after a while, the unhappiness stops feeling abnormal.
We humans are very adaptable.
Put us in almost any situation long enough, and we’ll find a way to adjust.
Unfortunately, we can adjust to things we should be trying to change.
If two people are adjusting to things that would have terrified them in the early years of their relationship, it’s pathetic.
Here are some things that can become frighteningly normal in an unhappy marriage:
8 Things That Become Normal in an Unhappy Marriage
1. Going days without having a meaningful conversation
You must have heard it a million times that communication is the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.
But communication is more than talking.
Because you can talk to your spouse every single day and still not really talk.
“Have the kids eaten?”
“Did you pay that bill?”
“What time are you coming home?”
“Please buy bread.”
“Have you seen my charger?”
These are conversations, yes, but they are mostly about running the household.
You are exchanging information, not necessarily connecting.
Meaningful conversation is knowing what is going on inside the person you married, like,
What are they worried about lately?
What are they excited about?
What is frustrating them at work?
What are they dreaming about?
Of course, in a happy marriage, you may not have deep conversations every night, but when days turn into weeks, and you realize you haven’t had a proper conversation beyond children, bills, chores, something is missing.
2. Feeling relieved when your spouse isn’t around
I’ll never understand how people cope with having many kids in the house, because I have just two, and sometimes I’m already looking for a place to hide.
As an introvert who loves her space, I get easily overwhelmed when everybody is around me for too long.
There are moments when I want the house to be quiet.
You know, just me and the sweet sound of silence.
So wanting time away from your spouse does not mean your marriage is unhappy.
In fact, I think healthy couples should be able to enjoy time apart.
Your spouse doesn’t have to follow you around the house like your shadow for your marriage to be good.
The problem is when your spouse’s absence doesn’t merely give you space but relief.
Maybe your partner is traveling for a few days, and instead of missing them, you go, Ahhh. Peace at last.
Then, on the day they’re supposed to return, your mood starts changing.
That’s different from an introvert enjoying an empty house.
3. Sleeping beside each other and feeling completely alone
Loneliness in marriage is ironic and weird, but it’s a common reality.
Because how can you be lonely when there’s literally someone lying beside you every night?
Yet you can.
In fact, I think one of the worst kinds of loneliness is being lonely in the presence of the person who is supposed to be closest to you.
At least when you’re single and lonely, you can say, “Well, I’m alone.”
But being married, sharing a home, a bed, seeing this person every day, and still feeling like you have nobody?
That’s a different kind of ache.
4. Avoiding certain topics because you already know how they’ll end
Marriages don’t just become unhappy.
Things happen that lead to unhappiness, and one of the biggest culprits is unresolved issues.
Problems don’t disappear just because you stop talking about them.
Maybe you’ve tried talking to your spouse about what you are unhappy about, but every time you bring it up, the conversation ends badly.
After enough rounds of this, you just keep quiet.
A marriage isn’t healthy because nobody is arguing.
Sometimes nobody is arguing because one or both people have concluded that talking changes nothing.
And that’s more worrying.
Because as long as I’m still telling you what hurts me, there’s a part of me that believes we can do something about it.
The day I decide you’re no longer worth having the conversation with, I’m done!
5. Expecting disappointment
“What was I even expecting?”
“I’m not surprised.”
“I knew you would do this.”
Those sentences say a lot about a marriage.
Disappointment is normal in marriage.
You married a human being, not Jesus.
Your spouse will occasionally fall short of what you expected.
But there’s a difference between being disappointed by your spouse sometimes and expecting your spouse to disappoint you.
In an unhappy marriage, disappointment becomes so predictable that you start preparing for it before anything even happens.
This is one of the saddest things that can happen in a marriage.
You shouldn’t have to constantly lower the bar until your spouse can finally step over it.
6. Making jokes about how terrible your marriage is
My bestie uses humor to deal with her mom’s death.
Sometimes she’ll say something about losing her mom that is so funny, I’ll laugh and then immediately think, Wait. Should I even be laughing at this?
But that’s how she copes.
And she’s not alone. Humor is one of the ways human beings deal with painful things.
Sometimes you laugh because if you don’t laugh, you might cry.
The same thing happens in an unhappy marriage. You can hear things like,
“My husband and romance are sworn enemies.”
“My wife only likes me when my salary enters.”
“If you see my husband being affectionate with me, just know he wants something.”
“We stopped having sex around the time dinosaurs went extinct.”
Everybody laughs.
You laugh too.
You joke about how terrible your marriage is because humor is the safest way to tell the truth without having to face it.
And when you do it often enough, it becomes normal.
7. Keeping more and more of your life to yourself
The goal of marriage is companionship, having someone to do life with.
Someone you can come home to and say, “You will not believe what happened today.”
Someone who celebrates your wins, listens to your fears, knows what you’re working towards, and can tell from your face that something is wrong before you’ve even opened your mouth.
Marriage doesn’t mean your spouse must know every thought that enters your head.
You are still an individual who can have private thoughts and experiences that don’t involve your spouse.
But in an unhappy marriage, you may start keeping more and more of your life to yourself because you’ve stopped seeing your spouse as someone you want to share yourself with.
8. Fantasizing about a life without your spouse
Marriage is tough, and sometimes your spouse will annoy you as if they were sent to test your Christianity.
But even in those moments, you don’t necessarily think of a life without them because beneath the annoyance, you still want the marriage.
You still picture them in your future.
But if instead of fantasizing about a better marriage, you start fantasizing about a life where there is no marriage at all, there’s a problem.
You imagine traveling, spending weekends by yourself, coming home to an empty house, and feeling peace.
And sometimes there isn’t even another person in the fantasy.
People assume that if a married person is imagining another life, there must be another man or woman somewhere.
Not necessarily.
Sometimes the fantasy isn’t about finding somebody else, but finding yourself again.
When the life you keep dreaming about feels better mainly because your spouse isn’t in it, that’s not a fantasy you should keep dismissing as nothing.
One reason people can remain unhappy in marriage for so long is that human beings have an amazing ability to create a new normal.
At first, something bothers you. You complain about it and fight about it. Then you get tired and adjust.
And one day, the thing you once said you could never live with has become your new normal.
So if some of these things have become normal in your marriage, don’t panic, but don’t ignore them either.
Talk about them; get help if you need it.
Deal with the resentment you’ve both been sweeping under the carpet before the carpet develops a mountain.
One of the most dangerous sentences in an unhappy marriage is, “That’s just how we are.”
No.
Maybe that’s how you’ve become.
And if both people are willing, it doesn’t have to be how you remain.
