Loving a man can be one of the most beautiful, fulfilling experiences of your life… or one of the most confusing experiences ever.
I love one, and I’ve loved three before, so I know what I’m talking about.
It’s easy to get swept up in the emotions.
But sometimes, in the name of love, we forget ourselves.
We overgive.
We overthink.
We even overstay.
So this post is your gentle reminder.
For the days your heart is full… and for the days it’s aching.
Here are seven things every woman must remember when loving a man, especially if you want to love him without losing yourself in the process.
7 Things Every Woman Should Remember When Loving a Man
1. Don’t pour from an empty cup
Believe me, women are natural givers.
Well, I am.
I love hard, I serve with my whole heart.
Many will give their last breath to see the man they love thrive.
But some of us give so much that we forget to breathe.
We wake up, and our emotional tank is on E, but we’re still trying to pour into him, his dreams, his moods, and his goals, leaving us drained and resentful.
Love doesn’t mean bleeding yourself dry.
It doesn’t mean sacrificing your sanity on the altar of being a good woman.
Fill your cup.
Learn to say no.
Rest.
Let him meet you halfway.
Don’t do all the loving, no matter how much you love him.
Let him serve you too.
Love in a way that refills you, not one that empties you daily.
2. If you always have to guess, it’s not love
Of course, we don’t live in a perfect world.
So sometimes, your man will behave in ways that make you doubt if he truly loves you.
You know men and their wahala.
One minute, he’s all “baby, baby,” and the next minute, he’s acting like he’s allergic to communication.
Fine, nobody’s perfect.
But sis, if you consistently find yourself playing detective, analyzing his texts, rereading conversations, wondering if you did something wrong, or stressing over why he suddenly pulled away, that’s not love.
That’s emotional confusion.
You shouldn’t be having weekly meetings with yourself about whether he’s still into you or if you’re imagining things.
Love brings clarity.
Not all the time, but most of the time.
You’re not asking for too much to want reassurance.
You’re not being too sensitive because you want consistency.
If you’re always guessing where you stand, you probably don’t have a place in his life.
3. Your worth doesn’t decrease because someone can’t see it
I won’t lie, being loved rightly by a man can make you feel good about yourself.
The way he looks at you like you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.
The way he brags about you to his friends.
The way he listens when you talk, supports your dreams, and makes you feel like you matter.
It’s soft.
It’s sweet.
It feels good.
But then, remember your value is not tied to a man’s ability or willingness to love you.
Because when he starts acting like you’re too much… or not enough… or like you’re asking for too many things, you may start doubting yourself.
You may start thinking,
“Maybe if I were quieter…”
“Maybe if I looked a certain way…”
“Maybe if I didn’t always speak my mind…”
Before you know it, you’re dulling your shine.
Trying to mold yourself into what he might like instead of showing up as the queen that you are.
Some men are blind.
Not literally, but emotionally.
They don’t see your value, not because it’s not there, but because they don’t have the capacity to recognize gold when they’re used to gravel.
4. Don’t confuse potential with reality
This one is hard, especially for women with soft hearts and fixer tendencies.
You see the man he could be if he just healed.
If he just got serious.
If he just tapped into that greatness you swear is hiding inside him.
You fall in love with his drive, not his direction.
His charm, not his consistency.
His ambition, not his action.
But dear, you are not in a relationship with who he could be.
You are in a relationship with who he is, right now.
And if who he is right now is lazy, emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, unreliable, or careless with your heart… that’s the reality you’re dealing with.
Not his potential.
Not the man in your imagination.
Not the man he promises to be one day.
Don’t spend your life waiting for him to arrive, while you’re slowly losing pieces of yourself along the way.
Potential is only admirable when it’s backed by action.
It’s one thing to support a man who’s trying, who’s working, who’s showing up daily.
It’s another thing to babysit someone who just keeps talking and dreaming while you’re doing all the work emotionally, mentally, and even financially.
You’re not a rehabilitation center for grown men who refuse to grow.
Love him, yes.
Believe in him, yes.
But don’t waste your years watering a garden that only exists in your head.
5. A man’s love won’t heal what you need to fix in yourself
Falling in love is sweet, but it will not fix your low self-esteem.
Getting married won’t erase childhood trauma.
Having a good man won’t magically fill the emotional gaps you’ve been carrying for years.
Yes, his love may feel soothing.
It may even inspire you to grow.
But sis, don’t expect his affection to do the work that therapy, healing, and personal growth were designed for.
Because here’s what happens when you don’t do the inner work: you start making the relationship responsible for your wholeness.
You start needing constant reassurance.
You panic every time he’s quiet.
You feel unloved when he’s not around.
You start reading rejection into everything, even when it’s not there.
Not because he’s doing something wrong… but because your unhealed parts are speaking louder than reality.
And that’s not fair to you or him.
A relationship is not a rescue mission.
Your man is not your therapist.
He can hold space for you, yes.
He can love you through your mess.
But he cannot complete you.
You owe it to yourself and to your relationship to face your pain and unpack your baggage.
Healing is your responsibility.
Not his.
And the most beautiful thing is that the more you heal, the more love you’ll be able to give and receive.
6. If you’re always explaining your worth, you’re in the wrong relationship
There’s a type of exhaustion that comes from constantly having to explain who you are, what you deserve, and why you deserve it.
It’s the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix.
I mean….. adulthood is hard already without having to explain to a man why you are worthy of his efforts.
When you’re with a man who sees you clearly, you won’t have to keep campaigning for basic respect.
You won’t need to break down why your feelings matter.
You shouldn’t have to keep reminding him of the things you bring to the table, your loyalty, your love, your sacrifices, your presence.
A man who truly values you will not make you audition for the role you already have in his life.
And if he’s not giving you that?
You’ll be emotionally drained!
7. His struggle is not your assignment
I get it; we’re helpmeets.
You’re a high-value woman who wants to add value to your man.
You want him to grow.
You want him to thrive.
You want him to be a better version of himself, and you’re willing to stick around and help him get there.
Beautiful intention.
But there’s a fine line between helping a man and carrying him.
Between supporting him and saving him.
You weren’t sent to be his life coach, his emotional rehab, or his personal rescue team.
You can hold his hand, but you shouldn’t lose yourself trying to hold him up.
Because some men will literally drain you and call it love.
Yep.
They’ll offload all their trauma, pain, laziness, irresponsibility, and poor decisions into your lap… and because you love them, you’ll try to fix it as you are the madam fixer.
You’ll be the one googling how to improve his finances.
You’ll be the one encouraging the therapy he refuses to go for.
You’ll be praying, fasting, and over-functioning while he’s playing video games and refusing to take responsibility for his life.
That’s spiritual and emotional labor, unpaid and unappreciated.
If a man doesn’t want to rise for himself, no amount of love from you can make him.
You can love and support him.
But don’t confuse being a supportive woman with being a sacrificial lamb.
Your job is not to fix him.
Your job is to be whole and to walk with someone who’s doing their part to be whole too.
Because two broken people pretending to be okay will only end up hurting each other more.
So sis, lay that burden down.
Love doesn’t mean carrying his struggle like it’s your destiny.
It means walking beside him, not dragging him forward.
Like I said in my intro, loving a man can be beautiful.
It can stretch you, grow you, soften you.
But it should never cost you your peace, your voice, or your sense of self.
Too many women have lost themselves in the name of love.
They’ve poured endlessly, waited endlessly, fought endlessly for a man who was never really present.
And by the time they woke up, they were empty. Exhausted. Unrecognizable to themselves.
Don’t let that be your story.
I’m rooting for you, as always.