After a decade of marriage, I found myself at a crossroads, feeling more like an exhausted traveler than a happy wife.
In the midst of my cocktail of responsibilities, routines, and the occasional argument here and there over things like who left the cap off the toothpaste, I realized that something fundamental was missing in the equation of our marriage: my happiness.
With determination and intentionality, I decided to let go of certain burdens that had become all too familiar yet very heavy.
In life, we’re usually tilted more toward getting things to find happiness, but we’re not too open to the idea of letting go of stuff to find happiness.
Thankfully, I became aware of this early enough, and when I let go of them, I didn’t have to look for happiness; it found me.
Perhaps you’d be willing to let go too.
I Let Go Of These 9 Things To Find Happiness As A Wife
1. The need to be perfect
For years, I thought being the perfect wife meant managing every detail flawlessly.
You can’t blame me; most societies and cultures place that unrealistic burden on women.
Unfortunately, I fell for the deception.
I cleaned, cooked, and organized everything, often sacrificing my happiness in the process.
It got so bad that I could be tired and even cry while cleaning the Kitchen sink; it didn’t matter that my eyes weren’t dry as long as the sink was.
I remember a particularly chaotic week when I tried to impress my husband with a nice meal, only to burn the chicken and resort to takeout.
Instead of the romantic evening we envisioned, we ended up eating cold pizza on the couch and laughing about my “culinary skills.”
Thankfully, we could even laugh about it.
Letting go of the need for perfection set me free like a bird released from the snare of the Fowler.
I came to terms with the truth that my husband loved me for who I was, not for my ability to cook like a five-star chef or have everything figured out all the time.
2. The desire to please everyone
If you are or have been a people-pleaser in the past, you’ll know how much it cages a person and threatens to sap their happiness.
I was a people-pleaser in some way, but mine was marriage-related.
Getting confused?
Just relax; I’m a good conversationalist, so I’ll explain.
I wanted to please everyone connected to my husband and marital life.
The hilarious part is that my husband didn’t place this burden on me; I placed it on myself.
I love him so much and appreciate how he genuinely loves and takes care of me, so I wanted to not just reciprocate his love but “pay it forward” by committing to everyone connected to him: his friends, family, and even just acquaintances.
I could say no to other people without batting an eyelid, but when it came to my husband’s people, I drew the line.
I wanted them to be pleased at all costs.
I was extending the love I have for my husband to them, or so I thought.
And if there’s one thing you and I know about humans, they can take good deeds for granted.
And boy, did they take my goodwill for granted!
In-laws, colleagues, and friends alike began to push more demands on me, acting all entitled and not appreciating the things I was already doing.
Until my husband sat me down and did a mind recalibration for me, asking me to set myself free from this cage that I had put myself in.
That was when I switched up and decided to do better for myself.
Now, I just live my life and do good when I can.
Everybody will be alright eventually.
3. Comparing my marriage to others
I spent too much time comparing our marriage to those picture-perfect couples on social media.
“Why can’t we take a trip like they do?” I would think, scrolling through curated pictures of sunsets and smiling faces.
It was like reading a fairy tale, and I often felt inadequate in our reality.
It didn’t help that I am a helpless romantic who often gets lost in Mills and Boon books and has unrealistic scenarios stored up in my head waiting to be experienced.
But thankfully, I soon realized that behind those filtered photos, every relationship has its struggles.
When I stopped feeling the need to compare, that was a game-changer for me and my marriage.
Truthfully speaking, comparison does a number on us, and it’s usually negative.
You don’t even have to be married to learn from this one.
I began focusing on the amazing sides of our marriage instead of what others were doing.
My husband and I carved out our fun moments, such as weekend movies, hikes, ice cream binges, and so on.
4. Taking life too seriously
Life is full of surprises, both good and bad, but I found myself often taking it all too seriously.
Whether it was stressing over minor inconveniences or worrying about the kids’ school projects, I lost sight of the joy in the journey.
I love marriage, and I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mum as far back as I can recall.
When I was single, I’d always imagine myself doing wife and mum duties happily and enjoying it.
However, when it became my reality, I saw that although it was beautiful, it was also stressful.
I began to do everything with utmost seriousness and saw them as a chore.
I forgot to reckon that this was the life of my dreams right here and enjoy the process.
I began slowly re-orienting myself and cherishing the amazing husband and wonderful kids God had blessed me with.
Many times, instead of frowning at the mess made in the house, I’d laugh at the chaos of family life and see the blessing in it.
I stopped overlooking the importance of celebrating my home.
I restored the ritual of celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, acknowledging our journey and loving it.
This change unlocked a new level of appreciation for life in me.
I learned to find humor in the mundane things, like when the dog stole a piece of pizza off the table or when my husband attempted to fix a leaky tap and ended up soaking himself.
5. Resentment
Keeping score, taking everything my husband said personally, and holding onto resentment stopped me from being happy, but I didn’t realize it.
Oh, the weight of old grievances!
There was a time when I clung to every little annoyance, like the way he never replaced the toilet paper roll or something he said in the heat of an argument.
I kept mental notes of every misstep, ready to bring them up during arguments.
I didn’t realize I was dragging around a suitcase of heavy issues.
I also fell into the trap of keeping score: every chore, every favor, every late night out.
It became a habit, and I would find myself thinking, “I did the dishes last night; it’s his turn to cook.”
This mentality turned our relationship into a transactional exchange devoid of genuine love.
These habits were causing serious issues for me and sapping out my happiness until I realized I was carrying a weight that was never mine to bear.
When you grow into someone who stops keeping scores and easily lets go of resentment, you will feel much better as a person, almost like shedding a layer of unwanted skin.
I discovered the freedom in forgiveness, which allowed me to approach our disagreements with fresh eyes.
Instead of revisiting the past, I learned to address current issues constructively, which transformed our conversations into opportunities to be better partners rather than battlefields.
6. The need for control
I was the queen of control, planning every detail of our lives down to the last minute.
My husband joked that I should run a military operation, but truthfully, I was just anxious about what could go wrong.
It’s so bad that before we got married, my husband planned a surprise marriage proposal for me.
When I walked into the surprise, after the initial shock wore off, I found myself looking around, trying to see if everything was in place and if the organizers did their jobs well.
My husband had to nudge me to relax and enjoy the moment.
I was obsessed with trying to organize and control everything.
You’d think I changed. Lol!
Even after a few years in marriage, he’d suggest a spontaneous weekend getaway, and I would hesitate, bombarding him with concerns about packing lists and itineraries.
I’m only now seeing how crazy that was because when I slowly stopped doing it and let go of the need to be in control, it was like taking a deep breath after holding it for too long.
I have now learned to embrace spontaneity and allow things to unfold naturally.
The weekend getaway turned into an unplanned adventure.
We got lost and discovered a charming little café, proving that sometimes the best memories are made when you let go of the reins.
7. Trying to change him
In our early years as a couple, I believed that if I talked long enough, I could change my husband.
I offered unsolicited advice on everything from his wardrobe to his hobbies, often leading to frustration and defensive replies.
I distinctly and humorously remember suggesting he take up yoga, only to watch him awkwardly attempt a pose that resulted in him pulling a muscle.
I even feel ashamed typing this, but it is what it is.
Realizing that I couldn’t change him was a revelation, one I had to embrace if I wanted to be happy.
As long as whatever it was wasn’t affecting me in any serious negative ways, I could adjust and live with it.
After all, I had my flaws, and he wasn’t trying to change me.
So, instead of constantly pushing for change, I began to celebrate my husband’s special qualities, such as his dry humor and love for old movies.
This not only made me happier, but I also saw that these unique traits enriched our relationship in ways I never expected.
8. Putting myself last
Neglecting myself and my interests was such a bad idea, and I don’t know why I let myself get into such a situation.
In the hustle of daily life, I let my interests slip away, focusing instead on being a supportive wife and mother.
I used to dance, paint, and write, but those passions faded into the background as I prioritized family needs.
I remember staring at my half-finished drafts, feeling a pang of longing for the creativity I had once cherished.
I immediately set out to reclaim my interests, and that became my catalyst for happiness.
9. Worrying about the future
The fear of the future is valid and real if we’re being honest.
It’s only human to be afraid of something you don’t know.
I spent far too much time worrying about the future: ” Will we grow apart? What if we face financial issues? What if the kids don’t thrive?”
I was on a roll!
This constant cycle of worry was exhausting and detracted from the joy of the present.
I would lay awake with my mind racing.
I was robbing myself of the peace that comes from living in the moment.
I didn’t want to constantly live in anxiety and stress, so I stopped worrying about the future and began to practice praying, meditating, and mindfulness.
I now focus on our daily happiness instead of potential pitfalls.
Celebrating the little victories, like a dinner where everyone enjoyed the food or when someone achieved something nice at work or school, brought a sense of fulfillment that helped silence my fears.
Make no mistakes; I didn’t just wake up one morning and let go of these things.
It took some time.
But because I saw how bad they were for me, I was intentional about shedding them, and it was a game-changer.
Through this journey of letting go, I’ve discovered that happiness as a wife isn’t about perfection or meeting expectations.
It is about embracing imperfections, finding joy in the chaos, and nurturing a marriage grounded in love, laughter, and gratitude.
Marriage may be unpredictable…
Heck, life itself is unpredictable, but with the right mindset and approach, every day can be a beautiful experience.